Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 8, 2016

Well, I don’t know what gets much scarier than what happened to Donks cult hero Wade Phillips on the sideline of what was otherwise a Most Glorious Pick Six for his defense. (Thankfully, the tubby defensive zen master is alive and well.) But the VERY SCARY STORIES that follow from DFO’s gifted stable of creative Commentists (ie, NAWT me) fits the bill. Better even than last year? YOU BET. Enough to make Steven King seem like Jane Austen? THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT. You will just have to read ’em to believe it.

But in general, fuck Halloween. I don’t costume well, and am not a people person. As always, YMMV.

Leading off this week? OF COURSE, the Most Glorious Overseas Draw, Live From London. That’s two such Hailey’s Comets in the last four fixtures. Hasn’t happened in consecutive weeks since 1997. This shitshow had it all. QBs combining for 800+ yards, but neither looked especially good at all. In fact, the main thing I took away from this one is just how awful both defenses are. I had always assumed basic mediocrity, but not even close. Should either side back into the playoffs, it will be a VERY brief stay. Then, you had the missed kicks, capped by a successful Marvin Lewis kicker icing on a 34-yarder in OT. The coup de grace, though, was Captain Kirk’s Hail Mary from just INSIDE midfield on the last play of OT. It failed to even make the 20, and was a good 5 yards out of bounds. FITTING. As Commentist Thursday Sky Goddess noted (in true Brit fashion), Cincinnati and Washington will take that point. Tyler Eifert and Jordan Reed are quite good, though.

We were SO CLOSE to getting another one, but Jack Del Rio is no fun, and went for it on 4th and 4 from the Tampa 42, around the 2 minute warning of OT. Carr hit Seth Roberts for the game winning TD, eclipsing the 500 yard mark in the process. Carr DID look good, hitting for about 8.7 YPA, so not just a volume thing. Oakland is 5-0 on the road, and 6-2 atop the AFC West. And set the single-game all-time record for penalties (24), because they should maintain some semblance of their original Raider identity, no?

Denver managed to just barely keep pace with their eye-patched rivals, beating back the Chargers 27-19. Christ, do King Laserface and palz ever fight like scalded dogs. But despite woeful QB play (again), enough turnover bounces went the Donks’ way, and that made all the difference. Still, there was ripe stupidity that must be pointed out. Devontae Booker fumbled at the 1 due to his getting the ball ready for the dumbass “high risk/low reward” pylon stretch play we’ve discussed on this page before. Then with like 8 minutes to play, Mike McCoy continued going for 2 (down 5) EVEN AFTER an OPI call pushed them back to the 13. Now, this is just foolish, as the 1 is pretty much still a 90% play, and the 2 is maybe 10-15%. With that much time left, Denver could easily score again (they did) in which case you’d really want that point back, especially if that score was a FG (it was). So, had San Diego later converted its 1st and goal from the Denver 2…they would have needed to go for 2 instead of just 1 because of McCoy’s failure to use some basic logic when the simple scenario got scrambled. Also, zero rushing attempts on said 1st and goal from the 2?? The rush was what hurt Denver all game long.

The Chefs? Yeah, they’re still hanging around, waxing the Humps in the GravyDome behind Nick Foles. To think, the team that lost that kind of game is likely to host a playoff round. And are wasting the prime years of a really special QB.

Home Saints are still a team to be reckoned with, as they showed in the only really well-played game of the early window. Despite giving up an early defensive TD, they rallied, then held on late for a 25-20 win over the SeaTruthers. Charmslinger’s throw on the final play (4th and 2 from the 10, 2 seconds left) found Kearse in the back corner of the end zone, but he couldn’t quite get a second foot down.

The Falcons gutted out a pretty good win of their own, 33-32 over the Packers. Notably, they had the sense to PACE THEMSELVES on the final drive, deliberately burning clock inside the 20 and scoring the go-ahead TD (bullet strike from Matty teh Ice to Sanu) with 0:31 left. You have to understand what game you have on your hands, and this one was a shootout. Mike McCarthy didn’t use his timeouts, “trusted his defense” and is left with his regrets.

Hangover from late night desert tie party? Dunno, but Arizona shat all over themselves in Charlotte, with the final 30-20 score nowhere near indicative of how lopsided an affair it truly was. Jonathan Stewart, TD machine continues to be a thing with no rational explanation. Superman still looks very, very mortal.

I thought Factory had this one in the bag. I really, truly did. Josh McCown was lighting the Jest and their broken down by the side of the road with sad, handwritten “free” sign pass “defense” up like a Christmas tree, to the tune of a 20-7 lead…and they got self-aware?? Anyway, New York ran off 24 straight before a garbage time 8 ball. Chasing the Lions’ perfecto is still on like Donkey Kong.

Just fuck the Massholes. Everybody knows they are the best team by miles and are gonna win the Superb Owl in a walk, ok? Don’t make me describe it in erotic novella detail. The Bills suck.

Houston beat Detroit in a very boring game, in which Brock Lobster did virtually nothing. Fat Stafford just checked it down to Theo Riddick every play. Gee, I wonder why we didn’t get more RedZone time with THAT.

Philly went to Dallas, got DAK! to throw a pick right before the half, turned it into a long FG. The mojo stayed with the Iggles until a late turnover gifted Dallas 3, followed by a long TD drive that tied the game up (as it stayed through various mutual derpage until OT beckoned). In OT, Dallas took the kick off down the field for the winning touchdown, easy as pie. 6-1 Dallas is in firm control of the NFC East. These teams are both pretty good, but I’d still say a good full step behind the Vikings in the playoffs (assuming Minny has homefield).