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[Editor’s Note: This week we had DFO’s own Darkest Timeline Zack Morris on the podcast to discuss the founding of DFO and shoot the shit about a bunch of NFL topics. We really appreciate him coming on, it was a great time and hope you guys enjoy it along with the rest of our standard segments and dick jokes this week!]

What’s up GenPop, this is Nick from the Free Ballin’ Football Podcast. Figured it was time to introduce myself since the rest of our gaggle of idiots seem to have done so already. You probably already know from the Pod that I’m a card carrying union member of The Factory and as such, I’ve recently been struggling a bit to place how I view and talk about the Browns in the context of a revitalized city and sports town. Granted things remain as they’ve always been, but in light of everything else going on the way in which they’re treated by us as Cleveland fans needs to be altered. This changing narrative, along with the schadenfreude fueled narrative that former Rams fan Darkest Timeline Zack Morris shared with us in an EXCLUSIVE interview on this week’s episode of the Pod, got me wondering what each franchise’s “fan narrative” would sound like. Here’s how I would imagine it:

Arizona: Jiminey Crickets have you SEEN our stadium? It’s lovely! Climate controlled and its just so clean! I just *wish* there weren’t so many Mexican’s on the maintenance staff. Wait was that a new boner pill ad? Janice, write that number down. And remember to send the grandkids $20 in the mail for their birthday.

Atlanta: Falcons? Oh you mean that other team that plays in the Georgia Dome? Yea, they don’t play defense like them SEC boys do. I tell you what I reaaaaallly wish Michael Vick hadn’t murdered all those dogs, this franchise would be totally different!

Baltimore: Did you guys know that we had our team stolen from us in the 70s? Did you know that? Oh you didn’t know or care? Well we did and we don’t feel the least bit bad about the fact that we now root for our new team and front office that was also stolen from another city. Nope. Don’t feel the least bit morally conflicted about that at all. Don’t feel the least bit morally conflicted cheering for Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, Ray Ri– well we cut him so it’s fine right?

Buffalo: We’re REAL fans. YOU show me a time you drove through 2 feet of snow to tailgate for a 6-9 team in -4 degree weather! Oh you can’t? Well what if I told you that not ONLY do we show up but we show up and have sex in parking lots in that weather!! THAT is dedication and NO, I DON’T remember the first Bush presidency so shut up.

Carolina: I don’t understand why we didn’t name the team the Charlotte Panthers. I mean “Carolina” is pretty nebulous and I guess I understand that they’re trying to be inclusive of–HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT HIT ON CAM?! Well I’m gonna be honest he always did rub me the wrong way…

Chicago: THE MONSTERS OF THE MIDWAY! Sure we haven’t actually been relevant for the last two decades with that one exception but we’re DA BEARS! Man I hate that Jay Cutler, I mean, he’s a serviceable quarterback but I mean, he’s just not a “cultural” fit here. People dressing as Mike Ditka on Halloween will NEVER get old!

Cincinnati: I really like Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis. I don’t care what people say, they are good! Teams would kill to have that level of QB play and stability at Head Coach [Dalton throws INT] THAT GINGER PIECE OF SHIT I HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS AND HE WOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE ANYMORE IF IT WASN’T FOR GODDAMN MARVIN LEWIS AND MIKE BROWN. Darlene, heat up some more of that chili.

Cleveland: It can’t possible continue to get worse, right? Like, we’ve hit rock bottom, right? It’s totally gonna be worth it when they win, right? Right?? I shouldn’t even get worked up about this stuff anymore. I’m not gonna let this bother me. It’s totally gonna be worth it though and who knows, it might happen sooner than we think! [Browns blow game in horribly unlikely fashion.]

[Foams at the mouth.]

[Has aneurysm.]

Dallas: DALLAS COWBOYS!! WE’RE AMERICA’S TEAM BABY! I mean I realize that half the time I’m at a bar I’m the most annoying and loathsome person there because I don’t seem to have a full grasp of what’s actually going on in the game but as a Cowboys fan its my JOB to let you KNOW that we’re gonna watch “The Boys” and that I can’t understand why you’re not cheering for Dallas in this game! Also I’m from Little Rock, Arkansas.

Denver: Can someone please explain to me why John Elway isn’t in the “Greatest QBs of All Time” discussion? And, no, I do NOT think it’s ironic that he also looks like an actual bronco. Is next week a Bye, by any chance? My dude Austin just bought an eighth and we haven’t used our season passes to Breckenridge for a while.

Detroit: Why doesn’t anyone talk as much about us as a tortured franchise? I mean, Buffalo, Cleveland, I get it but we’ve been terrible for such a long time too!! Why don’t we get any credit as fans? It’s NOT FAIR. Oh shit,did I just see on Twitter that Stafford is retiring early too?! Ok, that is NOT a funny joke, PFT Commenter.

Green Bay: We ARE football. I’m actually a part owner of the franchise too, ya know. Man, I wish I could make it to Lambeau one day. [Searches “Lambeau Field” on Google Maps. Zooms out. Zooms out. Zooms out.] OK, yea, FUCK that.

Houston: I secretly hate JJ Watt but I’ll never tell anyone. Also I’m SICK of being made fun of when I ask for the bar to put the Texans on in HOUSTON.

Indianapolis: This team is on the rise! We have such a bright future! Once Grigson puts some pieces around Andrew Luck we’re going to win MULTIPLE Superbowls. Multiple. [Google searches “Andrew Luck age”].

Jacksonville: I mean, I guess I’ll go to the game if someone invites me and offers to pay for the beers.

Kansas City: Arrowhead is the REAL loudest stadium in the NFL unlike those cheating bastard Seattle fans that pump crowd noise into their stadium and engineered it to reverberate the sound. And you bet your ass that we can win with Alex Smith! Defense wins championships, baby, just like in 1970!

Los Angeles: Oh this again?

Miami: What do you mean this isn’t soccer?

Minnesota: Thank GOD we’re out of that outdoor stadium and back into the dome. I really hate it when my tears freeze on my face. Adrian Peterson can play for like 5 or 6 more years, right?

New England: I LOVE that everyone despises us. It just goes to show you that haters ARE gonna hate and it definitely has nothing to do with the smug superiority complex that we have because we lucked into the greatest coach and QB combination in football history and the fact that parity no longer exists in the NFL. Nothing to do with that at all.

New Orleans: WHO DAT! I don’t know what that means but I’m sure as shit gonna drink to it!

New York Giants: Our team is the most important team in the NFL because we’re New York (even though we’re all from Jersey). You ever see that guy Carl from Aqua Teen? I tailgate with like 3 guys from the pipefitters union that look EXACTLY like him.

New York Jets: ^^ I fucking hate that guy.

Oakland: Ohhh we are SOOO the wrestling heels of the NFL and it’s awesome!! People fucking FEAR us when we come to their city because of our hardcore black and silver face paint, spikey shoulder pads, and chains and definitely NOT because we’re actual convicts. Also we have a football team.

Philadelphia: There is absolutely nothing wrong with demanding perfection and VOCALLY letting your team know that you’re not satisfied with anything less and your team is comprised of worthless pieces of garbage and complete wastes of DNA if they drop a pass, miss a block or throw up on the field. If you can’t handle death threats to you family and aggressively overinflated expectations, you can’t handle Philly, bro.

Pittsburgh: SIXBURGH! GREATEST FRANCHISE IN HISTORY DERR! WE’RE SO GRITTY AND CLASSIC AND HARD NOSED AND OLD SCHOOL AND THAT’S THE WAY WE LIKE IT DERRRR!! STEEL CITY DERRRR!!! Well actually my father grew up in Iowa but he liked Mean Joe Greene so we would occasionally watch Steelers games growing up despite the fact that we moved outside of DC when I was 6 BUT WE TOTALLY DROVE UP TO A GAME ONCE WHEN I WAS 11 SO I’M NOT A BANDWAGON FAN.

San Diego: Well if the team leaves that just means we have more time to go to the beach on Sunday.

San Francisco: Member Joe Walsh? I ‘member. Wait did I say Joe Walsh, I meant Bill Walsh. No, seriously I did.

Seattle: 12th MAN! We understand how much value a homefield advantage is for a team that’s why we take pride in actually helping our team win by cheering as loud as we do. You could say that we’re the only fan base that really actually cares. Also we’re so much more cerebral than your typical fanbase. We love defensive scheme’s because Pete Carroll is such a genius and definitely think that he revolutionized the Cover 3 zone and NO it’s not just a Cover 1 man with superior personnel and I would totally fight you about it but fighting is so tribal so I’m just gonna let you know how regressive you are as a person.

St. Louis: Fuck it. Go Cards.

Tampa Bay: Talk all you want about the quality of teams we’ve had over the years, but I’ll tell ya, going to these game is a pretty great warm-up before going to the strip club on a Sunday!

Tennessee: I sure as shit don’t know how we conned Houston out of the Oilers but man, I’m sure NOT happy that we did. There as soooo many better things to do in this town and I HATE that every home game is basically an opposing team tourist takeover weekend.

Washington: SHUT UP IT’S NOT RACIST YOU GUYS!

Disagree? Hit us up on Twitter (@BallinPodcast) or in the comments and let us know what you think your team’s fan narrative is.

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