2016 Quotables (Week 11 – Submissions)

INT. TUESDAY MATINEE MOVIE THEATER 

A handful of viewers are individually peppered about the seats in the dark theater as previews for a Star Wars film, a romantic comedy starring Amy Adams, and a remake of Ghostbusters with Legos end. One viewer has been mumbling to himself throughout the previews and snickering at his own comments. He pauses as he hears the theater doors slam closed and sticky footsteps approach his seat.

BALLS OF STEEL: [Loudly whispering from the bottom of the seats to the top of the theater] Blax? Blax? You up there?

blaxabbath: [in a calm voice from right next to BALLS] Yeah man. Have a seat. You’re late; previews have just ended and we got a lot to cover.

BALLS: [taking a seat and pulling out a notepad and voice recorder] Why couldn’t we just meet in the lobby? I feel weird ordering two combo meals by myself.

blaxabbath: [uninterested] Oh cuz I’m weird. Don’t want to know people; don’t want people to know me. Real flawed human being, truthfully. So, see how the opening here shows the game is a production of the National Football League? That might be a softball for someone wanting to make a riff about how that guarantees four hours of beer and Viagra commercials interrupted by missed kicks and incorrectly called penalties.

BALLS: [scribbling in the darkness] So should I do this first part where Terry and JB are laughing about something with Howie and Boomer?

blaxabbath: What the fuck is funny about that?

BALLS: Terry has that laugh though. Hear him? It’s infectious. It’s making me giggle.

blaxabbath: Quotables doesn’t have sound. It’s a visual thing. Now, if you’re going to be taking this over while I’m on my honeymoon, I can’t have you worrying about sound, smell, taste, or touch.

BALLS: Oh! But there! Where the kick got missed! That’s a good highlight to serve up, right?

blaxabbath: Dude, there are as many missed kicks as there are legal quarterback hits anymore. That said, if that were Tebow shanking an XP, we’d be gold. Xbox Gold.

BALLS: [Continuing to scribble] So your email mentioned minimizing Patriots appearances. Is that because their rub routes don’t make for solid riff #content?

blaxabbath: I just hate their fan base. And Quotables, while oftentimes producing very mean and poor-spirited comments, isn’t about hate. Hate, frankly, isn’t funny. That’s why I like to roll out the lovable and non-threatening Dolphins, Rams, and Jets.

BALLS: So Terrance West knocking over that defender on that touchdown run. I could be like, “That’s GOTTA hurt!”

blaxabbath: Well….sort of. But look closer. See him doing the Dez Bryant celebration after a score? X’s mom is a whore, you know, so that could be a joke. Just make sure you get a good angle. With all the Millennials on the internet anymore, anything longer than a few seconds is just gonna send our traffic back to the old site. And if there is one thing DTZM hates more than getting sued, it’s Upr — [interrupted by the individual turning around in front of them]

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS: Would you two shut up and just get on with Week 11 Submissions please? It’s posting fucking gifs to a blog. We do it in every post and like 50 times in every comment section. You need a gif? Call Moose. You need formatting help, call RTD. Balls, stop being so old. blax, get the fuck off your high horse or I’ll ban your ass. [Turns back around and loudly slurps his soda.]

blaxabbath: [Leans over to BALLS and whispers] See? Dude HATES them. Oh — better make a copy of those note for twbs, too.