2016 Quotables (Week 11 – Submissions)

INT. TUESDAY MATINEE MOVIE THEATER 

A handful of viewers are individually peppered about the seats in the dark theater as previews for a Star Wars film, a romantic comedy starring Amy Adams, and a remake of Ghostbusters with Legos end. One viewer has been mumbling to himself throughout the previews and snickering at his own comments. He pauses as he hears the theater doors slam closed and sticky footsteps approach his seat.

BALLS OF STEEL: [Loudly whispering from the bottom of the seats to the top of the theater] Blax? Blax? You up there?

blaxabbath: [in a calm voice from right next to BALLS] Yeah man. Have a seat. You’re late; previews have just ended and we got a lot to cover.

BALLS: [taking a seat and pulling out a notepad and voice recorder] Why couldn’t we just meet in the lobby? I feel weird ordering two combo meals by myself.

blaxabbath: [uninterested] Oh cuz I’m weird. Don’t want to know people; don’t want people to know me. Real flawed human being, truthfully. So, see how the opening here shows the game is a production of the National Football League? That might be a softball for someone wanting to make a riff about how that guarantees four hours of beer and Viagra commercials interrupted by missed kicks and incorrectly called penalties.

BALLS: [scribbling in the darkness] So should I do this first part where Terry and JB are laughing about something with Howie and Boomer?

blaxabbath: What the fuck is funny about that?

BALLS: Terry has that laugh though. Hear him? It’s infectious. It’s making me giggle.

blaxabbath: Quotables doesn’t have sound. It’s a visual thing. Now, if you’re going to be taking this over while I’m on my honeymoon, I can’t have you worrying about sound, smell, taste, or touch.

BALLS: Oh! But there! Where the kick got missed! That’s a good highlight to serve up, right?

blaxabbath: Dude, there are as many missed kicks as there are legal quarterback hits anymore. That said, if that were Tebow shanking an XP, we’d be gold. Xbox Gold.

BALLS: [Continuing to scribble] So your email mentioned minimizing Patriots appearances. Is that because their rub routes don’t make for solid riff #content?

blaxabbath: I just hate their fan base. And Quotables, while oftentimes producing very mean and poor-spirited comments, isn’t about hate. Hate, frankly, isn’t funny. That’s why I like to roll out the lovable and non-threatening Dolphins, Rams, and Jets.

BALLS: So Terrance West knocking over that defender on that touchdown run. I could be like, “That’s GOTTA hurt!

blaxabbath: Well….sort of. But look closer. See him doing the Dez Bryant celebration after a score? X’s mom is a whore, you know, so that could be a joke. Just make sure you get a good angle. With all the Millennials on the internet anymore, anything longer than a few seconds is just gonna send our traffic back to the old site. And if there is one thing DTZM hates more than getting sued, it’s Upr — [interrupted by the individual turning around in front of them]

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DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS: Would you two shut up and just get on with Week 11 Submissions please? It’s posting fucking gifs to a blog. We do it in every post and like 50 times in every comment section. You need a gif? Call Moose. You need formatting help, call RTD. Balls, stop being so old. blax, get the fuck off your high horse or I’ll ban your ass. [Turns back around and loudly slurps his soda.]

blaxabbath: [Leans over to BALLS and whispers] See? Dude HATES them. Oh — better make a copy of those note for twbs, too.


Oakland Raiders tight end Clive Walford makes a reception against the Houston Texans in a Monday Night Football game in Mexico City
Oakland Raiders tight end Clive Walford makes a reception against the Houston Texans in a Monday Night Football game in Mexico City
Los Angeles Rams quarterback Jared Goff is picked up after a hit by the Miami Dolphins
Los Angeles Rams quarterback Jared Goff is picked up after a hit by the Miami Dolphins

The Minnesota Vikings enter the field before a game against the Arizona Cardinals.
The Minnesota Vikings enter the field before a game against the Arizona Cardinals.

For the second consecutive week, Blake Bortles throws an interception off the foot of a wide receiver.
For the second consecutive week, Blake Bortles throws an interception off the foot of a wide receiver.

Referee Pete Morelli signals a roughing the passer call against the New Orleans Saints in a Thursday Night Football game against the Carolina Panthers
Referee Pete Morelli signals a roughing the passer call against the New Orleans Saints in a Thursday Night Football game against the Carolina Panthers

Cleveland Browns quarterback Josh McCown scrambles in a game against the Pittsburgh Steelers
Cleveland Browns quarterback Josh McCown scrambles in a game against the Pittsburgh Steelers

Washington [*Redacted] s owner Dan Snyder dances along to 'Jump Around' on the stadium intercom during a game against the Green Bay Packers
Washington [*Redacted] s owner Dan Snyder dances along to ‘Jump Around’ on the stadium intercom during a game against the Green Bay Packers

Green Bay Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson makes a touchdown reception against the Washington [*Redacted] s.
Green Bay Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson makes a touchdown reception against the Washington [*Redacted] s.
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blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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WCS

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/PljnOUQyQ5Puo.gif?resize=450%2C252
Pictured: Drew Magary’s fan hood in one .gif

JerBear50

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/ewmMuny9xQNVu.gif?resize=480%2C270
“Goddammit Marquise, yeah, ‘new kicks,’ we all got it. It wasn’t fucking funny last week either.”

LemonJello

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/7j3mH6meT8OGs.gif

“So, I guess this is just how it’s going to go in Washington now that Trump’s been elected.”

SonOfSpam

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/kDBgb85PEFjzy.gif

Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/zrDL6KzPMLziM.gif?resize=480%2C270

Now I know the real reason my Mom moved from Berkeley to Oakland in 1981. It wasn’t the 18 assholes yelling, “How can you bring a child into this world.” She just didn’t want me to have any desire to root for Goff. And also, she thought Raiders fans were better people.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Need…. to… check…. deductible…..

LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/k4hsr0mw4f0YM.gif
“I wonder if one of Lindsey Vonn’s handjobs will make the ringing in my head go away?”

LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/ewmMuny9xQNVu.gif
“Oh, so THAT’S what why my nickname in the locker room is “Abortles Clinic”

Bloody Lethal

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They call him a “sound” guy but I’d say his tackle fundamentals are weak at best.

Bloody Lethal
LemonJello

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/kDBgb85PEFjzy.gif?resize=480%2C270
“Roughing the passer is a call Cam will never get, as long as I’m in this league.”

jjfozz

For the Vikings clip

And with this collision, Thor Humperdicknal becomes the only Minnesotian who ever got this close to a black guy on purpose.

Enrico Pallazzo

Goff: “Spread them cheeks, rook”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/k4hsr0mw4f0YM.gif

I mean, it’s cool and all, but when you pay $500 for a “Mexican Spearing,” you expect it to be delivered by a Madam.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was a beautiful thing….. then I got to the Snyder gif and all was ruined.

Unsurprised

Just like everything else that falls within his orbit

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Unsurprised

“I jacked off to this.”
— Charles Haley

LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/PljnOUQyQ5Puo.gif
“Oh, dontcha’ know this exact thing happened last night comin’ back with Cheryl from the fish fry at the Elks Lodge. Ten pointer if’n he was anything, too. Darn shame, that.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
LemonJello

Oh, he ded.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/nbKTguH0Wu8Tu.gif?resize=480%2C270

“Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs, I got more rhymes than the bible’s got Psalms.”

LemonJello

Alternate:

“THIS DAN SNYDER, I CALL AN ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION BECAUSE HE REALLY WANTS TO FUCK COUSINS.”

LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/9q3H7HNpNlrPO.gif

“I don’t remember that hit.”
-Trent Green

LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/zrDL6KzPMLziM.gif

“I think I pissed myself. Yep. Sure did. Is it showing through my pants?”

Bloody Lethal

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/kDBgb85PEFjzy.gif?resize=480%2C270

“If his arm was this much shorter, I would’ve been clear.”

Unsurprised

“Green Bay Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson makes a touchdown reception against the Washington [*Redacted] s.”

Touchdown Seahawks!

Glorious Chairman Dan

Re: Nelson

“Indigenous peoples are robbed by outside arbitrators in negotiations with Wisconsin shipping magnates, circa 1857”

Unsurprised

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/k4hsr0mw4f0YM.gif

Their verticals are so impressive because of the thinner air at that altitude.

entropy

Bortles : “I think there has been a serious misunderstanding on my part regarding the word ‘football.'”

ballsofsteelandfury

Damn, I’ve got my work cut out for me!

/ checks notes
// drinks bourbon

ballsofsteelandfury

/// tries to hide boner from watching Steelers hit on Browns QB.

Unsurprised

Flaunt it. That fucker was beautiful

King Hippo

I mean, when you look at it objectively, causing him to forget he was ever QB for the Cleveland Browns is rather merciful, no?

LemonJello

He also forgot his name, AOL password and where he parked his car.