Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 14, 2016

The Day of the Dead came a little late this year, eh? We’ll never forget you, TannyFanny. So very GIF-able. Does that mean we need to say something about his game, too? The fraudulent Dolphins won on a late FG in the monsoon, despite the quartered backery of Matt Moore. Because Arizona was there, too. Miami managed a blocked extra point 2-point return, so that was fun. But that prompted AZ to go for two later (which they made) so I doubt it turned the outcome, at least not for sure like last week.

Hat tip to Commentist Party member in good standing Spur from the Live Blog, for “Long Snapper Lives Matter.” Iggles fans will surely attest to that, after losing their starter in the first half. Not really a stretch to say it was the difference in a coin flippish even game. But the Redacteds get the road win, move to 7-5-1 and lurk dangerously close to the playoffs.

Also ded? Nobody will be surprised that it’s MOAR key Chargers. Joey Bosa on the D, Melvin Gordon on the O. King Laserface lives, but he might as well have been playing for the Panthers today, handing the ball over a ridiculous 5 times. That’s too many for even the 2016 version of Carolina to fuck up. Though they kinda tried, at least periodically. Real shitty game.

There was snow in Buffalo again!! And it made The Ben even more childlike than usual, and he threw to ALL THE CATCHMEN, not just his’n. Spread the holiday joy, ya know? But Le’Veon ran for about 700 yards in between HARFceptions, so the outcome was never in question. The Bills are just a garbage pail full of shit. I’d rather be a 2 or 3-win team than them right now.

Oh yeah, maybe Le’Veon is that #4 player after my troika of Von, Khalil, and David Johnson. He good.

Tennessee raced out to an early 13-0 lead and just went into a complete shell. Need proof? Mariota completed 6 passes. SIX. Weather was NOT a factor. Trevor Siemian threw for 330+, and his team lost 13-10. Life really sucks sometimes. Trev and HillyBob should get a beer tomorrow.

It looks between TN and the imaginatorium in TX for the AFC South, as Brock Lobster herped and derped his way to a season sweep of the Humps. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it happened.

Do the Titans and Texans at least play again? Yup. Week 17, in Nashville. Expect a SNF flexing.

Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny. Should they have lost at home to the lowly Bears? Sure. But they didn’t. Fat Stafford has a gross sounding middle finger injury on his throwing hand, which sounds like it will test the limits of their voodoo hex and/or their payoffs to get strategically timed holding calls.

And guess who got blown out on the road (surprise, surprise) allowing those aforesaid Lions to grab the coveted 2 seed? Apparently Russell Wilson was jelly off fellow NC State graduate (Wilson DID get his degree, only took him like 3 or 3.5 years, he’s ridiculously smart) Philip Rivers, so he turned it over 5 times to the Packers. Watch out for Green Bay coming in the back door for that 6 seed. Hee hee, Rodgers joke.

It was postulated that perhaps Factory could grab a win over the still AJ Green-less Bungles this week, what with RG3 back and all. They, uh, could not. Tyler Eifert probably saved my (and countless myriad other) fantasy playoff lives with his two TD catches. The Detroit Perfecto remains in play, the #1 pick a near-certainty.

Speaking of the #1/2 pick, San Francisco looked sure to win today. The Jest looked every bit like they had flat out quit, and were lucky to only be down 17-3 early. Then, Bryce Fucking Petty got nanobubbled or something, pumped some life into the team, someone decided to start tackling Carlos Hyde. 11 fourth quarter points got us to OT, and New York got a TD on their opening drive. Unreal.

There was no such resurrection in SoCal. Ram It!! got well and truly turned inside out by the Julio Jones-less Falcons. It was 42-0 before Atlanta decided to invoke the mercy rule. Jared Goff is shit again.

Mike Zimmer was back on the sidelines with an eye patch, and was goddamned terrifying. Perhaps not coincidentally, Sam Bradford got HIS shit together and played an excellent game. The Jaguras are ordinarily very good in pass defense, believe it or not! Anyway, despite goal line follies, Minny pulled away late and JAX never did anything significant because DUH.

Forgive them, Breesus Christ, for they know not what they do. But serious, if Drew hunted his teammates for sport, it would be TOTES warranted. Tampa stays even with the tiebreak-winning Falcons atop the other South. N’awlins, ded.

That leaves only SNF. We was teased with snow, but it stopped right before kickoff because 2016! The year that shat in everyone’s mouth. Unwatchable dreck followed, with many reminders of how dominant Dallas is, particularly it OL and DL. And then OBJ got loose for one big play, and Dallas shat themselves offensively for 20 painfully awkward minutes, and lost 10-7. It was weird, man.