Does your College Bowl “Confidence Pool” count the “Heritage Bowl” between Grambling and NC Central? Mine fucking does. Raise your fists proudly and pretend like you had a fucking clue before you googled and googled until you found a sportsbook with odds on this sumbitch.

But first, we have some Lesser matters to attend to, ya know??

Chelsea hit the road bright and early to start us off, taking on Crystal Palace (7:30, NBCSN). Palace are reeling in 16th at present, but a goal differential of only -3 says they shouldn’t be quite this bad. Then again, as loyal readers would know…Alan Pardew is a cunt.

Stoke host Leicester at 10:00 (Extra Time), and none of the rest really qualifies as footy at all. DO BETTER, PREM. Does the 12:30 spotlight dance make up for it? It’s WBA hosting Man U (NBC), so I should say fucking not.

Sunday gets a little better, with Bournemouth/Soton (8:30) and City/Arsenal (11:00) making quite the fine NBCSN double dip. Assuming Spurs take care of Burnley (11:00, CNBC), the loser of the pitched 3 vs. 4 battle had better watch they ass for the precious CL lace, let alone losing sight of Chelsea tail lights in the far horizon.

Monday Night Footy is Derby under the Lights at Goodison, Everton vs. the Shite (3:00, NBCSN). Be there, or be a proper bellend.

TO THE SHITTY BOWLS, SCOOBY!!

New Mexico Bowl – New Mexico vs. Texas-San Antonio (2:00, ESPN)

In what must feel like the personal limbo of the Lobos, if only they were capable of feeling at all. That’s what happens when Bob Davie coaches your squadron. They name a bowl after your state, and you are stuck there. Forever. What the poor fucking Roadrunners have to do with it? They managed to finish 6-6 in whatever podunk conference sends their 6-6 team to Bob Davie’s living room game. BEST POST-SEASON IN ALL OF SPORT, FOLKS!!!111

Las Vegas Bowl – San Diego State vs. Houston (3:30, ABC)

Hey, they snuck in an actual prettay, prettay good fixture on us here. How does such a thing happen?? It will be 28-nil by 10 minutes into the first quarter, naturally. PRO TIP from a terrible confidence pool playa – I betcha YOOOOOUUUUUSTON done quit and packed it in fo’ the season.

Camellia Bowl – Appalachain State vs. Toledo (5:30, ESPN)

I betcha all things considered, Happy Appy wishes it were back in 1-AA where it belongs, whipping ass in a REAL playoff system. Instead of the limp handjob of a finale this offers. No fucking clue what Toledo’s opinion might be, if any. Probably just glad not to be in fucking Ohio for a few days.

Cure Bowl – Central Florida vs. Arkansas State (5:30, CBSSN)

Robert Smith says you can just skip this one and cut yourselves for 3.5 hours. I probably made this joke before, but fuck you, I will update it when the UNC-C 49ers finally make it.

New Orleans Bowl – Southern Mississippi vs. Louisiana Lafayette (9:00, ESPN)

Just be honest and call this face-off “A Four Hour Ode to Brittfarr’s Jism.” Also, pass the time by counting the number of teeth in the stands. Or flip to Fins/Jest and really question your life decisions.