Your “Things Are Starting To Come Together” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

“The Great Cleavening” has begun in earnest once again my friends. What the heck is a ‘cleavening’ you may ask yourself? Well, according to the definition I just created it means, “to separate those with no hope from those with a modicum of hope from those with solid hope”. It couldn’t be more clear after that explanation, can it? As far as I’m concerned and I’ve said this before, those teams that are hanging on by a thread aren’t actually doing so-they’re just drawing out the inevitable. Yes, certainly there is the possibility that the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders will die in a brush fire, triggering the long-forgotten “George Preston Marshall Plan” whereby all players of a certain skin colour will be sent to internment camps in South Dakota where they will toil in the Peanut mines. But seriously, what are the odds of that happening? At this point we’ve got a very good idea of who is in and who is out, so let’s just dispense with the wacko scenarios whereby the Eagles somehow get into the playoffs, shall we? TO THE GAMES!

GB/Chi-The Pack continues its ‘run the table’ narrative against a Bears team that ran out of chips back in October. If you like to see clouds of an evaparatory nature coming from the mouths of huffing and puffing fat guys in deathly cold weather, this is all yours.

Jax/Hou-The Texans get the lovely pre-Christmas gift of the Jags at home. They’re locked in a dismal tie with the Titans for first in the AFC South and both teams will likely remain that way until they meet during the last week of the season. That’s EXCITEMENT!-NFL-style.

Cle/Buf-Care to watch the unwatchable as your toes become gangrenous? You can do so for as little as $7, according to some secondary selling sites on this here internet. Your other option is to show up to the gates of New Era Field at 1:05 Eastern where you will likely as not be bum-rushed into the stadium by security staff. They’ve got quotas to fill.

Phi/Bal-Philly is still “mathematically alive” (see what I mean?) despite them being in the middle of a 4 game tumble. What this means is that they’re dead. DEAD! 1-6 on the road does not a playoff team make, kiddos. The Ravens will take the AFC North if they win out because that will have meant that they dispatched the Steelers next week and scored the tie-breaker for themselves.

Ten/KC-The Chiefs are in the old ‘win and you’re in’ spot against the Titans. A Tennessee loss here won’t be a death blow to their division title hopes because Houston being Houston, they’ll likely find a way to lose to the Bengals at home in prime time next week, setting up that ‘win or die’ scenario I yakked about up above.

Det/NYG-No, neither of these deeply flawed teams are as good as their record would indicate. A bit of luck and a weaker schedule can work wonders for the confidence of under-achieving squads. Strange to say it but each team can afford a loss here due to the work they’ve done earlier on. If the Giants D is rounding into the form that I’ve seen in years past they’ll go after qb Stafford and his loosely-ligamented throwing paw. Neither team has anything resembling an effective ground game but you’ll still be treated to a surfeit of boring-as-hell 1 and 2 yard-ers. Giants in a squeaker? It seems to be both teams’ modus operandi this year.

Ind/Min-The Fightin’ Minnesotans get back their favourite whipping boy in rb Peterson this week. Er, boy-whipper. I meant to say boy whipper just then. If the Vikes D regains their earlier snap, crackle and pop they should get themselves a playoff berth. Indy had their chances long ago.

Pit/Cin-The Steelers look to be peeking and the Bengals look to maintain their ‘ploding. Done.

That’s it. LET’S WALLOW IN THE GREATNESS OF THE COMMENTS BELOW, SHALL WE?

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Doktor Zymm

I really hope the Packers don’t sneak their way into the playoffs. I don’t think I could take the additional knobslobbering that would emanate from various sportscasters.

King Hippo

As long as Fuck Lions of Destiny win next week, they will control they fate. They need to sign Sex Cannon on Monday, and all stars will align.

Unsurprised

Lazy A-A-Ron joke is lazy

...

It’s probably going to happen because the Lions have a tough schedule and the Packers have a consistent ability to be just a bit better than their dipshit division rivals.

That being said, I really, really want the Bears to beat the Packers even if it hurts their draft position.

Spur

Yeah, that Peter King is the worse, too much teeth. – Aaron Rodgers

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NSFW; Raiders fan boobs (not Raiders fan):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiuKAVdyPvU

Curse of Marino

So Marvin Lewis is basically skinny black Andy Reid at this point.

Unsurprised

I kind of miss just knowing if I wanted to be a dick I could antagonize Sill somehow.

Croooow

Whatever happened to him anyway?

Curse of Marino

Cleveland sports fans go from watching their basketball team win a championship, to watching their baseball team choke away a championship, to……the probable 0-16 Browns.

Unsurprised

Well, at least they’re the best at sucking.

Brocky

“we’ll take it”

browns fans

Mother Puncher

Goddamn it we’re going to get field goaled to death

Spur

Yes, mom. I will have another tamale if you insist.

Unsurprised

Could your mom send me some? I could get them from the lady in front of Trader Joe’s or just buckle down and make my own (It’s time I do that), but you know … Commentariat For Life.

King Hippo

Beckham should touch the ball 30+ times a game.

Spur

What about the shift? – Aaron Rodgers

Redshirt

Marvin “If it works in the 1st half, it should work in the 2nd” Lewis

Brocky

Packers fans don’t travel well

those fuckers infest illinois because they don’t want to admit wisconsin sucks. they bandwagon every other chicago team.

fuck you not joe buck.

Croooow

Can confirm. Every Packer fan I know also happens to be “diehard” Blackhawks fans.

...

I don’t find that nearly as obnoxious as the Packers/Cubs fans since Wisconsin doesn’t have an NHL team. But the Cubs? Go root for the fucking Sucky Seligs.

King Hippo

It’s a matter of too many stairs…

...

Mmmm… nice hate.

There are a lot in Chicagoland, especially north of the city. I’ve grown up amongst them and find them to be mostly tolerable. Much better than El beisbol Cardinals fans.

Spur

Just found out the Texans benched Brock lobster. Go Jags, earn that meth money.

King Hippo

a FIELD GOAL? DOWN 12. On 4th and 3.

Doktor Zymm

Woo, got my pico projector set up so I’m watching football on the ceiling now!

King Hippo

whoa, what a feeling?

Horatio Cornblower

So in ‘Sing’ the black gorilla’s father is a locked up gangbanger?

Can’t wait to see Twitter’s opinion on that one.

Petronel

Clothesline on Timmons would have set up a nice DDT – oh wait, I GUESS that’d be illegal or something… (mutters)

Petronel

Dammit – posting fail. (Mutters again)

King Hippo

HOLY CATS OBJ!!!!

/even if I am pulling mightily for DET

Horatio Cornblower

Odell Beckham is kinda not bad at the footballs.

Unsurprised

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Petronel

After that clothesline of Timmons, why no DDT?

Bortleback

Needs more RKO outta nowhere

Redshirt

Whitworth is setting up for a spinebuster

Spur

All this talk about death and loyal dogs has me sad. The only thing that can lift my mood is a Cowboy victory or a visit from Felicity Jones to comfort me.

fleshwound_NPG

Horrible QB franchise (Chicago) + Horrible QB college (USC) =comment image

LemonJello

Does it smell like shit burning with diesel fuel?

King Hippo

who is Fat Stafford’s backup? How bad could he possibly be??

WCS

The critical reviews for Will Smith stars in PRETENTIOUS TITLE are scathing, and I love it.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Link?

herodotus450

Cardell Hayes said, “I’m GUILTY of hating it.”

Spur

Mom just gave me the update on the dead man. He died walking his dog. The dog wouldn’t leave his body. They covered the dog with him. 🙁

I didn’t even see the dog when i saw the body early this morning.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m fairly certain my dog would sell me out for a handful of Kibble.

Redshirt

Bengals may have upset SHAN’KOR by cutting Nugent. That’s why Boswell is 5 for 5

Unsurprised

Was Nugent always shitting himself?

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Anybody else see that “Baddest Woman on the planet” commercial and think for a second that it was about the Wonder Woman movie?

King Hippo

Lesbianic Shaft remake.

herodotus450

Shut your mouth!
I’m just talkin bout Silicone Shaft!

LemonJello

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Unsurprised

Oh, Hell yes. I needed this in my life.
comment image

WCS

“BUT MOOOOOMMMM!!!”

Horatio Cornblower

DAW HORSEFEATHERS!!!

...

For someone who turns over the ball as much as he does, he always seemed completely shocked whenever he does it.

King Hippo

Somebody check on yeah right…

the Alpha and the Amoeba

It’s a small thing, but I love how when the announcers describe a big play by “Ha Ha” Clinton-Dix, it sounds like they’re laughing at the other team.

Unsurprised
Spur

Sweet, the old man has red zone. Go lions!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

FUCK. LIONS. OF. DESTINY!!!

King Hippo

Special request for Buttchin O’Brien!!

Spur

Star Wars was great. Put the war in Star Wars. My parents said the coroner just picked up the body 30 minutes ago.

King Hippo

everything is better with violence ,, ppl forget that

Unsurprised

Finally, a proper ornament.
comment image

King Hippo

My defense is shutting out the Rodgers/Jordy combo, but I am still getting killt in fantasy. They just don’t know how to win.

Fucking Andy Reid, YUUUUUUUGE play to Tyreek Hill to open things, so he decides “that’s enough of HIM for today, thanks.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

I started Jordy and Adams, counting on the Bears to be the Bears.

Unfortunately I did not take into account Rdogers’s propensity to be distracted by Bears, and things aren’t working out all that great.

King Hippo

that Adams end zone drop prolly elicited a different reaction from you than me!

Horatio Cornblower

Wasn’t even aware of it until now but, um, rats, I guess?

Mother Puncher

The Cincy backfield is about to become every old sports writer’s wet dream.

WCS

GRIT SCRAPPY LUNCHPAIL PRO’S PRO

Redshirt

CBT?

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Nah, they’d need to be white for that to be true

Mother Puncher

I vote the big black coats be replaced by NFL brand blankets for players to snuggle up under on the bench.

Duchess

just hope that Cutler didnt supply the blankets.

LemonJello

Just the ones for the [REDACTEDS].

King Hippo

such commitment by Minny to avoid the shutout and make no pretense of trying to win

Horatio Cornblower

Their defense is actually costing my opponent points.

Redshirt

I don’t think I’ve ever hated a Bengals player as much as I hate Adam Jones. And that includes Carl “Locker Room Cancer” Pickens.

Horatio Cornblower

Rothlisberger just forcing that ball into coverage like his receiver was in a bathroom stall.

WCS

CHUH CHUH

WCS

Any HERP you do, I can DERP better.

fleshwound_NPG

The Chicago QB Tradition continues…

Last 3 possessions, 3 turnovers (2 INT, 1 Fumble lost)

Duchess

Cutler did it.

Redshirt

Fight between Steelers and Burfict but no flag on Burfict?

Am I watching the stream from Earth-2?

Brocky

that sounds like earth 1.

shit that sounds like last january.

Brocky

how the fuck can anyone look at peppers and think “sportsmanship”?

Curse of Marino

Oh shit, Browns coming back?

LemonJello

“What is ‘Things said after a long night of drinking and White Castles?’?

Brocky

When the bears below average receivers have the dropsies, its Jay Cutler’s fault.

when the packers above average receivers have the dropsies, its the receiver’s fault.

3 wrongs make a …. still fucking wrong

WCS

Vontaze Burfict: Still an Asshole

Redshirt

But he’s my asshole!

LemonJello

What size pants do you wear?

King Hippo

Fuck this Aaron Rodgers running on one leg bullshit!!