Your “Things Are Starting To Come Together” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

“The Great Cleavening” has begun in earnest once again my friends. What the heck is a ‘cleavening’ you may ask yourself? Well, according to the definition I just created it means, “to separate those with no hope from those with a modicum of hope from those with solid hope”. It couldn’t be more clear after that explanation, can it? As far as I’m concerned and I’ve said this before, those teams that are hanging on by a thread aren’t actually doing so-they’re just drawing out the inevitable. Yes, certainly there is the possibility that the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders will die in a brush fire, triggering the long-forgotten “George Preston Marshall Plan” whereby all players of a certain skin colour will be sent to internment camps in South Dakota where they will toil in the Peanut mines. But seriously, what are the odds of that happening? At this point we’ve got a very good idea of who is in and who is out, so let’s just dispense with the wacko scenarios whereby the Eagles somehow get into the playoffs, shall we? TO THE GAMES!

GB/Chi-The Pack continues its ‘run the table’ narrative against a Bears team that ran out of chips back in October. If you like to see clouds of an evaparatory nature coming from the mouths of huffing and puffing fat guys in deathly cold weather, this is all yours.

Jax/Hou-The Texans get the lovely pre-Christmas gift of the Jags at home. They’re locked in a dismal tie with the Titans for first in the AFC South and both teams will likely remain that way until they meet during the last week of the season. That’s EXCITEMENT!-NFL-style.

Cle/Buf-Care to watch the unwatchable as your toes become gangrenous? You can do so for as little as $7, according to some secondary selling sites on this here internet. Your other option is to show up to the gates of New Era Field at 1:05 Eastern where you will likely as not be bum-rushed into the stadium by security staff. They’ve got quotas to fill.

Phi/Bal-Philly is still “mathematically alive” (see what I mean?) despite them being in the middle of a 4 game tumble. What this means is that they’re dead. DEAD! 1-6 on the road does not a playoff team make, kiddos. The Ravens will take the AFC North if they win out because that will have meant that they dispatched the Steelers next week and scored the tie-breaker for themselves.

Ten/KC-The Chiefs are in the old ‘win and you’re in’ spot against the Titans. A Tennessee loss here won’t be a death blow to their division title hopes because Houston being Houston, they’ll likely find a way to lose to the Bengals at home in prime time next week, setting up that ‘win or die’ scenario I yakked about up above.

Det/NYG-No, neither of these deeply flawed teams are as good as their record would indicate. A bit of luck and a weaker schedule can work wonders for the confidence of under-achieving squads. Strange to say it but each team can afford a loss here due to the work they’ve done earlier on. If the Giants D is rounding into the form that I’ve seen in years past they’ll go after qb Stafford and his loosely-ligamented throwing paw. Neither team has anything resembling an effective ground game but you’ll still be treated to a surfeit of boring-as-hell 1 and 2 yard-ers. Giants in a squeaker? It seems to be both teams’ modus operandi this year.

Ind/Min-The Fightin’ Minnesotans get back their favourite whipping boy in rb Peterson this week. Er, boy-whipper. I meant to say boy whipper just then. If the Vikes D regains their earlier snap, crackle and pop they should get themselves a playoff berth. Indy had their chances long ago.

Pit/Cin-The Steelers look to be peeking and the Bengals look to maintain their ‘ploding. Done.

That’s it. LET’S WALLOW IN THE GREATNESS OF THE COMMENTS BELOW, SHALL WE?

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The Maestro

Hahahahahaha just move the Jaguars to London god fucking dammit

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Welp. That was anti-climactic. Way to Bears it up, Bears.

King Hippo

Fucking Jaguras. Most displeasing. Hey, at least TN still controls its destiny.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

The smartest voice on ESPN

LemonJello

Alright gents and ladies, I’ve got to make the trip up I-95 for work. I’ll check back in on you all when I’m at Fort LemonJello.

And, for the love of BLEERGH!, use some gott-damned coasters for your drinks around here.

Spur

Eat a vagina Rodgers.

LemonJello

He doesn’t get that reference.

Brocky

that’s the joke: to him, “eat a dick” isn’t exactly an insult.

Senor Weaselo

Somehow that Bears defense fail will be blamed on Cutler.

King Hippo

He wasn’t back there in CF, was he?? smgdh

Shogun Marcus

Make all the gay jokes you please (and you will), but Rodgers? He good.

Redshirt

That’s what he said.

Dunstan

The Bears offer a timeout as a sacrifice to Shank’lor, but he finds it insufficient

fleshwound_NPG

die in a fire, john fox

...

Oh Shank’hor. I pray to thee. Shank this Packers kick and give us OT and a hilarious pointless tie.

...

OH FUCK YOU

Brocky

I fucking hate everything.

even you boltman

The Maestro

So I fell asleep accidentally. Looks like I’ve missed a ton of shit.

Unsurprised

The JEST game was last night.

...

Jesus Christ, Bears.

Unsurprised

“Leave me the fuck out of this.”
— Jesus Christ

King Hippo

Thanks for that 12-point swing, fucking Bears. Assholes.

Brocky

IT should be a ten second runoff

Doktor Zymm

Eh, that shirtless idiot isn’t the most idiotic shirtless idiot ever. He had gloves on, he’ll be fine.

...

As much as it may shock you, it’s not that cold here right now. I’ve walked outside 10+ minutes with my hands out and they didn’t even feel that cold.

Doktor Zymm

I’m guessing you aren’t near the lake? It’s usually the wind that’s killer. Also, you probably have circulation to your hands, I frequently don’t

Redshirt

And the Bengals Playoff Run is over!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83P10QiNKHY

Spur

At least you dont live in Cleveland
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJMa20xXykI

Redshirt

Who broke the Field Goal Post in Atlanta?

Brocky

jimmy graham of course

King Hippo

they had the ball on the 4 and didn’t run with Jordan Howard??

...

John Fox’s mediocrity is underappreciated.

Spur

HAHA timeouts fuck over Andy Reid. Go Throwing Pineapple!

Redshirt

Me: “God, please don’t let them lose in the 1st Playoff Game next year.
God: “Fine, the Bengals will have a losing record.”

Turns out, you got to be a little fucking specific when talkign to God.

King Hippo

he’s got a great, kinda dark sense of humour

Spur

I do enjoy some bird on bird violence.

...

I am aware a Bears win here is basically meaningless and arguably hurts the team, but if the Bears are going to get pointless wins, having them fuck with the seasons of every one else in the division is still satisfying.

Shogun Marcus

I support this. This is one of those rare games where both fanbases are simultaneously angry with their teams.

fleshwound_NPG

HAHAHAHAHA ANDY REID DEATH BY TIMEOUT

King Hippo

YAY!!!!!! Fuck the Chefs!!!!!

Brocky

oh for fuck’s sake

King Hippo

why are they trying to gift the imaginary team into the playoffs??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

To have a chance in my league that goes through the playoffs, I need the Packers and Colts to get in. My day is going down-fucking-hill right now.

Senor Weaselo

What kind of league is that?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

A weird one. Goes through the playoffs, big plays count for more points, play one defensive player and one kick returner, cumulative points. A really old league but fun because it’s so different.

Spur

Dumb Jags. You do meth after the game not at halftime.

LemonJello

They make the meth at halftime. Duh.

King Hippo

if you’re into meth, it’s always the right time!!

Spur

I wonder if the Bears care about draft position?

Unsurprised

Soldier Field is drafty enough in winter

...

Considering how well they draft, it doesn’t really matter.

Brocky

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chicago bears management…… you know who your talking about right?

Doktor Zymm

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about the Bears, all other considerations go out the window where the Packers are concerned.

...

WE GOTTA HAVE THE HATE

...

There is basically no reason not to double or triple team Alshon all the time. Every other Bears WR has proven he can’t catch a ball thrown right into his hands at least half the time.

Shogun Marcus

If only the opposing team played them often enough to remember that.

King Hippo

THEY KICKED IT DEEP WITH NO TIMEOUTS??

...

That Old Navy commercial with Amy Schumer needs a follow-up where dude explains to his wife how absolutely fucking shitfaced he was when he nailed Amy.

LemonJello

“Fraternity initiation.” *Shrugs*

Unsurprised

I’d fuck her

Spur

Hawai’i QB fail. Go snuggle a diseased blanket KC.

King Hippo

I like the decision, playcall a little funkified.

Shogun Marcus

Got that feeling. Pack gonna fuck this up.

King Hippo

OOOOOOH, Titans with some cajones!!

Curse of Marino

That just goes to show, You can resist Big Ben all you want but eventually, he’s gonna force it in a tight space.

Unsurprised

This is fucking brilliant.

Spur

Stupid Bengals. When is someone going to end The BEN?

WCS

Peak Bungles

Curse of Marino

INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD

Senor Weaselo

So maybe going to the nearby strip mall to go get socks on the last Sunday afternoon before Christmas wasn’t the best idea. I said fuck it.

Redshirt

I feel like I’ve seen this before.

LemonJello

Boss Todd looking like he forgot to put the snow tires on his IROC-Z.

Unsurprised

Unnecessary when it’s sitting on blocks

Spur

So, can the Bengals and Titans win? Please!

King Hippo

Jordan Howard wants to Kill!!! He wants to Maim!!!!! Fuck this playful shove noise!

Curse of Marino

Uncatchable ball? Doesnt matter Refs gonna help out PIttsburgh

King Hippo

Marv and Andy with any kind of significant early lead are like an Italian Lesser Footy side up 1-nil in the second half.

Senor Weaselo

You mean they fall down and writhe in pain?

Doktor Zymm

Hey look, Alshon Jeffreys exists again!

...

He’s the only one who can consistently catch A FUCKING FOOTBALL.