Balls’ Crystal Balls

There are now two games left in the regular season.  I have gazed lovingly into my crystal balls and they have reciprocated by shooting out some hot playoff predictions.

Before you get them on your eyes,  let’s take a quick look at the standings:

Let’s break this down division by division:

AFC EAST: New England has this baby and the First Round Bye sewn up.  The only remaining question is if a Bills fan will physically die in the last home game.

https://twitter.com/xmasape/status/810707801110704128

AFC WEST: The Raiders have clinched a playoff spot for the first time since they won the whole thing.  Something tells me Mrs. Tikki Deadly will be very happy this week… The Chiefs will be safely in and the only question remaining is if the Broncos will lose their playoff spot to an undeserving team.

AFC NORTH: This year’s playoffs officially start next Sunday with the Steelers-Ravens game.  Loser goes home.  The only remaining question is if the Browns can brown their way to the hallowed 0-16. In typical Browns fashion,  they can’t even win the right to be the first to accomplish this.

AFC SOUTH: Barring something completely stupid like the Bengals beating the Texans next week,  Playoffs Week 2 will feature the Titans facing the Texans. Loser goes home.

NFC WEST: This baby goes to the Seahawks.  The only remaining question is whether the NFL will announce the true attendance at Rams games this season.  Jeff Fisher and I say no, but they’ll get leaked anyway.

NFC EAST: The Cowboys have this division wrapped up and the shitty Giants have a playoff berth wrapped up.  The only question remaining is whether Jack Del Rio or Doug Pederson has a bigger set of balls.  I have to say,  I liked the decision.  It didn’t work out,  but it was the right thing to do when your team is out of it.

NFC NORTH: The only question remaining is if the Lions will complete their Romo-nesque December collapse.  Aaron Rodgers and I say yes. Also, did Randall Cobb die in that garage fire at Aaron’s? He has disappeared from fantasy. It’s ok, though,  I really didn’t want to win this year.

NFC SOUTH: Given how Tampa lost a winnable game to the Cowboys,  the only question remaining is if the Falcons will completely shit the bed and let the Bucs back in to the playoffs.  See what I did there?

COACH FIRINGS

Already,  the Jaguras and Rams have given their coaches the sweet release of freedom and there are others coming.  My crystal balls have something for us on this,  but we’ll have to wait at least twenty minutes. In the meantime,  please enjoy this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7MC8Lw5e9Q

Ok,  I think the Ryan brothers get another year in Buffalo as long as no one dies in the last game.

Pederson gets another season for his nads alone.

The Jets will fire their coach if they cannot keep it close against the Pats.

The Browns will probably fire half the staff but may be stupid enough to keep the head coach. Call it 50-50.

The Chargers are talking about “rebranding” in anticipation for their move to LA. If they follow through on that,  a new coach will be part of the “rebrand”.

Finally,  in a major shocker,  Breesus may call it a career and his coach will follow him right out the door. Call me Peter North if that one comes through.

PLAYOFF SEEDINGS

AFC

1) Patriots

2) Raiders

3) Steelers/Ravens winner (probably Steelers)

4) Titans/Texans winner (probably Titans)

5) Chiefs

6) Broncos

NFC

1) Cowboys

2) Seahawks

3) Packers or Lions (probably Packers)

4) Falcons or Bucs (probably Falcons)

5) Giants

6) Lions or Bucs (doesn’t matter as they will lose the first game. Thanks Carolina!)

If these seedings hold up, we may be looking at another Patriots-Giants Superb Owl, which may or may not be a bad thing. I’m spent and I may or may not need a nap.  What say you?