Your ‘Break Glass in Case of Emergency’ Because Scotchy Went A-Huntin’ Monday Night Open Thread.

Detroit (-7.5) at Dallas

Dallas takes on Detroit in the House That Jerry Built With A Big Assist From Public Funds That Could Undoubtedly Have Been Put To Much Better Use But Fuck That Have You Seen How Big Our Video Screens Are?

The Cowboys come in at 12-2, having found a way to beat everyone in the NFL not led by a juice-box sucking savant. Dak and Ezekiel, one going by a shortened form of his middle name because his real first name was too confusing, the other named after an Old Testament figure of some sort, which is relevant because that Old Testament is about the same time the Cowboys were this relevant in the post-season discussion, have led the Cowboys to the NFC East title and a first round bye. They also have home-field advantage clinched for however long they stay alive, (Two games. Those fuckers will stay alive for two games), thanks to that same juice-box sucking savant’s inability to distinguish between green and white during his last game.

The Lions come in at 9-5. They have clinched nothing, but can clinch a play-off spot if they beat Dallas. Next week they play Green Bay for the NFC North, (‘Winter is Comin’) title, so they actually have two chances to make the post-season. I’m not really sure you can say the Lions are ‘led’ by anyone so much as they played in a division with the Vikings and Bears and had a relatively easy schedule. They’ve gone 8-2 in their last 10 games but did so against teams that were falling apart, (Vikings, (2x), Eagles, Redacteds), or never really were, (Bears, (who beat the Lions 17-14 earlier in the season, a loss that may haunt them very soon), Jaguars), while losing to the Giants and Texans, the latter team even of dubious existence!

The call here is that the Lions, if not actually winning the game, will cover the spread. The most obvious reason being that the Cowboys have literally nothing to play for: They already have home field throughout and one more win won’t improve that. This week we’ve seen Derek Carr, Marcus Mariota and Tyler Lockett, (or is it Eugene? Whatever), break their legs and end their seasons. The Cowboys saw that to and while their ownership may be made up of some of the most reprehensible reptile-human hyrbids this side of the New York City subway system they are not stupid. I’d be stunned if Elliott played more than a half. They might give Prescott a little more time but I’m expecting to hear “You’ve got Romo!” over the Jerry World PA system before the third quarter is over.

The Lions, on the other hand, have everything to play for and no reason to leave anything on the field. They’re not as good as Dallas and in a straight match-up would probably lose by at least 2 TDs but this isn’t going to be a straight match-up and I’m pretty sure the Lions first stringers are good enough to beat Dallas’s second string.

Also, and this is the kiss of death for Dallas, I currently lead Cuntler by some 18 points in the OSZ-League championship. I have exhausted my scoring while Cuntler has Fat Matt Stafford waiting in the wings. Probably while eating wings. I am favored to win by, I’m not kidding here, .11. That’s according to Yahoo. There can be no clearer combination of things pointing to Stafford going for 312 yards, 3 TDs and a rushing TD than that.

LESSER SPORTING OPTIONS

Nothing. There is literally nothing else on tonight. The NBA doesn’t count; the blew their wad yesterday and no one in their right mind is going to watch Celtics-Knicks or Hornets-Nets.