2016 Quotables (Week 17 – Results)

blaxabbath -
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It was locker clean out week for most of the NFL but, damn it, everyone. Just damn it. I had about three additional submissions I scrapped this week because I didn’t want to overwhelm the Party with this Week 17 regular season #content. I wanted to rest everyone up and bring them in fresh for the wildcard games. Then this batch of gold comments come out and I’m like, “Dang, I should have turnt this weeks gif count up to eleven.” So, before handing out individual accolades, I’d like to offer all of you — especially our Millennial commentists — the following award.

Good work. You are all winners in my book.

Bills ST Blocker #84 (O'Leary) touches zero Jets players on this 70 yard onside kick touchdown.
“Dave Toub is rolling over in his grave after seeing this. / I refuse to believe he is alive and in KC.” -Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
I love Michelle as much as the next fan but this kid doesn't need to be stealing my moves.
““Goddammit Abbey, come get your idiot husband!” -JerBear50
David Johnson' brief career as a player with two legs was fun to watch. Fuck you, Travelin' Rams.
“David Johnson Pepsi Commercial: ‘This must be what it feels like when that Def Leppard drummer gets in a car accident.'”-Monty This Seems Strange To Me
Matt Barkley is the ultimate in gimmickly-used quarterbacking.
“And so begins the offseason argument in the Windy City that Cameron Meredith is a better quarterback than Jay Cutler.” -Low Commander Of The Super Soldiers
You all know I try to avoid including the P*tr**ts on Quotables but this was a pretty fantastic block by ex-officer Jim Lahey.
“Hey! Now they’re BOTH going to have to blow into a tube to get their cars to drive!” -Fronkenshteen
Matt McGloin takes a hit like a spider that just got shot with a direct blast of Raid
“‘Matt McGloin takes a hit like a spider that just got shot with a direct blast of Raid.’ Huh. Blax’s caption can’t be improved upon.” -SonOfSpam 
Even if they beat Detroit, when they go on the road, Seattle becomes the Legion of Yakety Sax
“Anonymous source Skip Jelly told Jay Glazer that the Niners head coach had been emphasizing special teams all week in practice.” -BrettFavresColonoscopy
{oblig.}
“Even though it’s been abandoned by the powers that be, life flourishes in Romobyl.” -Unsurprised
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blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://media.giphy.com/media/GhcQtuSYjiiti/giphy.gif

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Bloody Lethal

Wait uh, I’m getting to the good stuff on the accidental butt stuff.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So before was it just the tip?

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Bloody Lethal

Now balls deep.

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ballsofsteelandfury

You rang?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://media.giphy.com/media/12dA9Gei6U4in6/giphy.gif

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Bloody Lethal

One time I ran into a girl I went to elementary school with at a college I was visiting. She had grown up surprisingly well. For some reason a bunch of girls liked me at my childhood school. My obvious deficiencies as an adult must’ve been hidden for that reason. We went back to her dorm to praise the lord and woke up her roommate. We finished. I couldn’t stay. Having time warp relations can be a tricky thing mentally. I left. I fell asleep at a train station and woke up 3 hours later and went home.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Was the top of your head bruised?

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Bloody Lethal

Permanently.

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ballsofsteelandfury

So, did you end up going to that college?

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Bloody Lethal

I ended up visiting there a lot.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A……LOT.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://img.pandawhale.com/post-59599-dr-cox-smashes-guitar-gif-imgu-4Ggq.gif

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fuck; it showed up for quite a while.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

“…his first drug violation coming at the NFL combine.”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/09/angry-dwight.gif

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jjfozz

I’m watching the Pete Schwedty skits on YouTube. I have audibly snarfed in the office.

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...

I am reading stories about accidental anal sex.

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Bloody Lethal

I was like whatttttt when I saw that on my screen at work. Am I willing to go down with this ship?

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Unsurprised

Do it

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Bloody Lethal

The general consensus is that no one likes it.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The general consensus is that these people are uninformed; if it is abhorrent to you don’t try, if you are curious: READ THE FUCK UP ON IT AND INFORM YOURSELF YOU STIPID GITS!

The willful ignorant continue to have their way in the world.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

I think he meant that no one likes the accidental part. If you prep correctly, there should not be a problem.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well he did, but people in general complain about this and other things that just a tiny bit (pun intended) research will alleviate). THAT WAS WHERE I WAS GOING WITH MY RANT.

http://blog.chron.com/tubular/files/2015/03/angry-donald-duck.gif

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

….and lube.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

lots of lube.

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There aren’t any really fascinating stories and I pretty much imagined how most of them would play out.

Only once did I hit the B-hole instead of the V-hole and the girl pretty quickly told me my aim was off.

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Bloody Lethal

I’ve hit it several times and never once gotten in…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psFQMKcsIF8

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I didn’t exactly enter either. It was more of a hard knocking on the door.

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I’m a little surprised she didn’t let me considering she was pretty nuts and wanted me to take the condom off despite not being on any birth control.

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Bloody Lethal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGXdCpUH-GM

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ballsofsteelandfury

I actually stopped myself and apologized and went back to the V. I may be secretly Canadian.

Later, she said, “I thought you were going in. I would have taken it”

Yeah.

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Even as someone with no particular interest in the act, I’d probably kick myself if I missed out on an opportunity to try it.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I still do.

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Bloody Lethal

Reminds me of:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=za7jQ1s1BV0

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[giggle] “Wrong hole….” [giggle]

“NO IT ISN’T!!”

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King Hippo

I mean, I’ve been pretty fucking drunk, and I’ve performed the sex act VERY poorly myriad times…but…no?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

YOU DAMN YOUNG KIDS.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

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Oh, I thought you said “SMARF”

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

BANG BANG BITCHES

http://splitsider.com/2017/01/bill-burr-will-provide-live-commentary-of-sundays-dolphins-vs-steelers-nfl-game/

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Great, I can finally put a Quotable up on my fridge right next to my old KotW!

/Nailguns tablet to fridge

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ballsofsteelandfury

Skip Jelly is still making me laugh.

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Unsurprised

That’s just Chip Kelly, right? Like when Donald Trump would pretend to be his own PR guy.

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Unsurprised

Wow, I’m stupid. I just now got that.

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...

That’s his new name now.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/2043167/madjim.gif

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Gold football participation certificate entitles holder to 10% off any small one-topping pizza at Pizza Hut. Tax and gratuity not included. Participating restaurants only. Subject to availability. Employees and families of Pizza Hut, Yum! Brands, or any of its subsidiaries are ineligible. Void where prohibited. No cash value.

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