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A Team Without a Franchise Quarterback is Like a Patriots Team Without a Gritty, Scrappy, Lunchpail Type Guy Playing Slot Receiver

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Editor’s Note: This song, with minor tweaks, was composed by reddit user A_Participant, and I was so moved that I decided to package it along with some images.  Enjoy! 

2a

BILL BELICHICK
The name’s Belichick, Bill Belichick, and I come before you general managers tonight with a trade proposal.  Probably the greatest [turns away in mock resignation]…oh, it’s not for you.  It’s more of a playoff team’s idea…

DAN SNYDER
Wait a minute, we’re twice as smart as the good teams’ front offices.  Just tell us your idea and one of us will mortgage his franchise’s future for it.

3a

BILL BELICHICK
All right, I’ll tell you what I’ll do.  I’ll SHOW you my idea.  I give you…

jimmy2

BILL BELICHICK
Garoppolo!
Why I’ve sold backup QBs like Mallett, Cassel and Hoyer and by gum it put those teams on the map!

4a

BILL BELICHICK
Well, sir, there’s nothing on earth Like a genuine, bona fide, Patriots backup
Garoppolo!
What’d I say?

SASHI BROWN
Garoppolo!

BILL BELICHICK
What’s it called?

MIKE MACCAGNAN
Garoppolo!

BILL BELICHICK
That’s right, Garoppolo!

ENSEMBLE
[begins chanting softly and rhythmically]
Garoppolo…Garoppolo…

6b
LES SNEAD
I hear that guy has shoulder pain…

BILL BELICHICK
He merely had a simple sprain.

JED YORK
Is there a chance that he actually sucks?

BILL BELICHICK
Not on your life, you braindead fucks.

RYAN PACE
What about us bottom class teams?

BILL BELICHICK
You’ll overpay for hopes and dreams.

TOM COUGHLIN
Were you sent here by the devil?

BILL BELICHICK
Yes, but Garoppolo is on the level.

11b

REX RYAN
My brother and I just got canned.

BILL BELICHICK
Exactly as I’ve always planned.
I swear it’s your team’s only choice… Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

ENSEMBLE
Garoppolo!

BILL BELICHICK
What’s it called?

ENSEMBLE
Garoppolo!

BILL BELICHICK
Once again…

ENSEMBLE
Garoppolo!

FANS
But the depth chart’s still all cracked and broken…

COACHES
Sorry, chumps, the GM’s spoken!

ENSEMBLE
Garoppolo!
Garoppolo!
[big finish] Garoppolo!

15a

 

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montythisseemsstrangetome

/misses Phil Hartman. Sigh

0
Unsurprised

Gentlemen,
comment image

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve entirely wasted the last 25 years of my life and I want them back.

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Don T

You could stew over that, or strive for better going forward. And if you think that’s scold-y, at least you don’t get a severe ear twist while hearing it.
Yep, both of mine feel hot right now.

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Unsurprised

You’re right. I’m just unsure of what to do next.

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Don T

Volunteer at a legal aid office. You won’t improve lives much, but you get a chance to stick it to The Man. Exercise also helps me feel like I’ve done something worthwhile at YOOOOOGE expense.

0
jjfozz

It’s only a waste if you’ve learned nothing from the past. And yeah, easier said than done.

I regret majoring in journalism, Jesus god do I. I’ve been through a lot of shit jobs, and questioned myself almost every day.

This triggered anger, depression, more anger, and poor self image. After awhile I realized that not all of it was a waste.

So I said, “Fozz, you can be a real asshole SOB, so instead of applying that to everyone you meet, apply that to the obstacles and see what happens.”

I’m finally at where I want to be. List your talents and experience, and see what professions they match with the best.

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blaxabbath

“Anger, depression, more anger, and poor self image.”

More commonly known as a Baltimore Endorphin Rush.

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Unsurprised

I refuse to think something this good came from reddit.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Garoppo– D’oh!

0
jjfozz

Showtoons are ussually sung by the gayz, ,,,people forget that,,,

0
Shogun Marcus

Genius. That is all.

0
Curse of Marino

This was brilliant.

0
Unsurprised

This is brilliant.

I also hope a meteor vaporizes New England. Collateral damage to some of Canada (most Quebec, anyway, no?) to be rid of Bill and Tawmy is a price I’m happy to pay.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

This is amazing. Props to the reddit user and you for the photoshops. Classic!

0
Don T

Cracking Photoshop of a smile onto Belichick’s face. He doesn’t even look gassy.

0
Clifton Morehead III

He doesn’t?

0
Don T

For him
comment image

0
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“Wipe them out. All of them.”

0
LemonJello

Rumor (or Rumour for our Canadia folk) has it that such a look is usually reserved for post-rookie mom banging-season.

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