OK, so the concept behind this blog was all about quick shit to cook during the weekdays.  Well, today I’m gonna muscle in on Sunday Gravy’s territory and complicate shit up just a bit.  It’s only fair after Yeah Right tried to work my corner with his egg salad (you totes have to make that shit BTW, it’s more tits than a pregnant alley cat).

I hereby challenge thee (slaps Yeah Right hard on all four cheeks with a soiled nitrile glove I found at a highway rest area just south of Austin) to a culinary duel!  Squirting dildos at dawn good Squire!

Figure this shit out. They, whoever the fuck “they” are, actually make shit like squirting dildos.  Well, somebody told me that, anyway.  I’d just love to be watching Jeopardy some day and hear a contestant being announced as “Joel is a Quality Control Representative at a squirting dildo manufacturer”.  At least he’s contributing to society, sort of.

Anyway…

I suppose now is a good time to answer the question that has been plaguing your minds since you logged on.  WTF is up with the banner pic?!?  Well, I’m not sure how many of you remember SCTV, but it was the best thing to come out of Canadia since…well, lately we’ve had Celine Dion and Justin Bieber, so I guess it’s Beerguyrob (pours some out, glad all is well).  It was a comedy sketch show out of Canada from the late 70’s that was everything SNL wished it could be, especially recently.  Its alums include John Candy, Eugene Levy, Rick Moranis, Andrea Martin, Harold Ramis, Dave Thomas, Catherine O’hara and Martin Short, to name a few.  Not a bad lineup.

The backstory is that back in those days any program produced in Canada, by decree, had to have a certain amount of time dedicated to The Great White North.  The fine folks at SCTV answered that call with a skit called, what else, the Great White North with Bob and Doug McKenzie. It was a hilarious bit of polar self-deprecation poking fun at Canada’s version of snowbound rednecks, aka hosers.  Probably not what the Canadian government had in mind, but it ticked the box regardless.  Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis flat out nailed it, and that shit is still funny as fuck to this day.

OK, so why the fuck is Canadian TeeVee from almost 40 years ago significant to today’s project?  Well, there’s a certain similar unwritten law in Texas that states that if you are involved in any sort of food blog while a legal resident of the Lone Star State…

Sorry, also obligatory, you must include a barbecue recipe strictly limited to beef.  Preferably brisket.

OK, that’s bullshit, but it made for a hell of a segue.

I said segue, not Segway!

Anyway,  in case you haven’t figured it out yet, beef brisket is on this weeks menu.  I know, low and slow is not exactly a suitable project after a full day of work, but leftovers sure are!  Get a big enough lump of beast and you’ll be masticating for days (calm down, look it up).  This is a sample of my most recent effort:

And people still belong to PETA?

It took awhile to nail the technique.  I did have a few disappointing results early on, even a flat-out failure or two, but I think I’ve finally got it to work like I want.  The key, no surprise, is the aforementioned low and slow, simply put a very long cook at moderate temperature.  Brisket is a pretty tough cut, cook it medium rare like a roast and you’ll have $45 lump of shoe leather.  A proper brisket is actually brought up to almost 200 deg. internal temperature, which is extremely well-done, but it gets there so gradually that all the tough connective tissue has time to break down into gelatin.  The result is perfect tenderness but with much more beefy flavor than the naturally tender cuts like the loin.

The other key ingredient is a bit more challenging for most home cooks…lots of smoke.

Not what I meant.  A proper Texas brisket is cooked with plenty of wood smoke as well as heat, which is called “hot-smoking” (duh, no fucking shit).  Not very practical for the apartment kitchen unless you really don’t want your security deposit back.  There are plenty of recipes out there for oven cooked brisket, but they really taste too much like a pot roast.  A little wood smoke really makes a difference, and fortunately there are some workarounds.  Before we get into that, let’s have a quick lesson on bovine anatomy so we know what to buy for our needs.

Brisket is usually sold in three ways:

The Packer Cut

Trimmed (most recommended)

And finally, the Flat.

The packer brisket is usually vacuum packed and often found in the big warehouse clubs and meat markets.  It’s the whole damned chunk of the cow, including a great deal of fat.  It’s the cheapest per pound, but considering all the fat that has to get trimmed away I find it a false economy.  That’s why I usually go for a trimmed specimen, it’s a lot less work and waste therefor worth the slightly higher cost.

The flat cut is when the point is removed.  Briskets are comprised of two muscle groups, the flat and the point.  The flat is essentially the base of the cut and leanest, the point is kinda on top and towards one end and has most of the fat.  Look at this closeup I took and you can see what I mean.

The point is that nice fatty top half.  The flat by itself has very little of it’s own fat and I avoid it for smoked brisket, but it can be a good choice for the oven.  We’ll get to that in a bit, but first indulge me as I show off my awesome Tejas smokin’ skillz!

This was actually a packer cut I had to trim myself, tedious to say the least.  Remove all but about 1/4 to 1/2 inch of fat from the top, this fat cap slowly melts and prevents drying out.  The bottom of the brisket should have much less surface fat.  Slash cross hatches into the fat cap, try not to nick the meat, and rub in a thin layer of plain old yellow hot dog mustard.  This step is uncommon, but I like it because it holds the rub on better and who doesn’t like a little mustard?

Rub you say?

The simpler the better.  Many pitmaster’s use only salt and pepper, but I like a little garlic and onion powder added just because.  About 2 parts sea salt to 1 part coarsely ground black pepper, more or less.  I never measure, I just eyeball it.  Mix that shit up and sprinkle all over, being a little heavier on the fat cap as that’s where most of the flavor comes from.  Press thoroughly so it sticks.

Looking better already.

Confession time.  I used to have an offset smoker, which is considered the proper tool ’round these parts for smoking meat at home.  This is what those look like for those of you on THAT side of the Mason-Dixon line:

  I liked it, but damn if it didn’t require constant babysitting.  Hours of endless temperature monitoring, adding wood at constant intervals, major cleanup at the end…

You got that right sister.  So I cheated and got an electric smoker (actually, it was a Father’s Day gift from Dame Nobyl).  Believe me, I have to be very careful who I share that info with as some hardcore guys get stupid with attitude at such an admission.  Well, fuck’em because all we’re talking about here is smoke and heat, who gives a hairy shit how it’s made?

The smoker about the size of a dormitory refrigerator, that’s the thing many of you used to hide your stash in during  your brief college years.  What, didn’t everybody keep a half pound of “oregano” on ice back then?  Plug it in, set the time and temp and hope the power doesn’t go out.  The only bad thing on mine is the smoke feature, it’s a tiny tray that only holds a small amount of wood chips and doesn’t last long at all before needing a refill.  Kinda defeats the purpose, so after a little research on that information superhighway thing all you kids are raving about, I found a better option:

That’s the AM-MAZE-N smoker tray.  Fill that up with pellets (find the good, natural shit), light it with a propane torch and you get over 8 hours of perfect smoke.  I put that in the bottom of the smoker cabinet and I can leave it alone.  I actually do this overnight sometimes, just can’t sleep in too late.

Why only make one when you can do two at twice the price?  I actually made a mistake and put the smaller slab at the top.  I forgot that heat rises and the thinner cut was done well before it’s thicker downstairs neighbor.  That also brings up the importance of temperature monitoring.  I don’t trust thermostat settings, I rely on probe thermometers for both the temp of the surrounding air as well as the actual meat, even with kitchen ovens.

I also put a couple of cleaned tuna cans full of apple juice over the heat element with a foil tent to keep out the drippings.  Adds humidity and some PK approved flavor.

As far as temperature goes, give it an hour at the highest setting (for an electric smoker), then drop to about 230F and let it smoke away until the meat hits about 180F.  It takes a long time, set the temp alarm accordingly.  When at temperature, I like to remove the brisket(s) and wrap up in unlined butcher paper and let rest in a small cooler or even a cold oven for about an hour.

I really should have used some kind of scale for reference for this picture, it looks about the size of a diseased goat hoof.  Well, as the fat renders out, there’s no avoiding the inevitable:

Yep, the dreaded shrinkage.  That’s why I always buy a bigger hunk than I think I’ll need.  Regardless, leave it wrapped up in the paper for that hour so it can rest.  The temperature should coast to about 190F or so.  I also like to do this with the brisket actually upside down (did I mention always cook with the fat cap on top?), so some of the juice will seep back to the top and take some of the dryness away from that beautiful bark.

Oh yeah, leave the temp probe in while resting, otherwise a fountain of juice will spew forth instead of getting reabsorbed properly.  Once rested, unwrap and carve in about 1/4 inch slices.  The outer slices might seem a little dry, but those are the so-called burnt ends and are considered a treat for the cook.

I’ll bring that earlier picture back in case you forgot:

Bask in all its protein glory.  I like to only carve away as many slices as I need at the time, the brisket stores better as a whole.  To cut it when chilled, an electric knife is the way to go.

Yeah, I get it.  WTF good is this gonna do for the 99% of ‘murica without a smoking apparatus? Put down the bong MTWV, you know what I mean.  OK, well there are simpler options that are…acceptable, at least.  Two actually, one of which puts even the smallest charcoal grill to work.  Just put down a small bed of hot charcoal and place a packet of wood smoking chips on top, soaked for 1/2 hour and drained then wrapped in foil with a few holes poked in the top.  Put the brisket on a rack over that and let it go for as long as the smoke lasts, just keep the temp at a safe level.  Then put it in a roasting pan, cover and bake in the oven, same time and temp as before.  Also do the wrap and rest routine.  Not as much smoke exposure, but enough to do the job.  You can also try using smoked salt instead of regular sea salt for the rub, it’s available at some meat markets and the interwebs, of course.  Every little bit helps.

No grill? Well, I guess this is where the flat cut come into play.  If you remember, the flat has comparably little fat, so we need to provide that as well as smoke.  What better way is there of doing that than…BACON!!!!!!!

Heat the oven to 350F, put the flat in a roasting pan and cover with a lattice of thick, peppered bacon.  Use good stuff for this that has been properly smoked.  Cover, stab in your probe thermometer and into the oven.  Drop the heat to 250F and let it ride.  Take the cover off at about 15oF internal and let it go to 180F, then remove from the oven and give it rest a bit while tented with foil.  I hate to say this, but the bacon is sacrificial.  I really didn’t find much use for it once I pulled it away from the meat.  Maybe the dog would like a little, who knows.  Carve as before and enjoy.  You won’t get the delicious bark that only comes from proper smoking, but it’ll still be good.

Regardless of preparation, give a slice a try before carving the whole beast.  If it didn’t come out as tender as you hoped (just like shrinkage, it happens), make sure the rest of the slices are against the grain, and very thin.  That’s always a good trick towards easier eating.  If you got lucky, it should be tender enough to be sliced however.

Wood?  Fuck mesquite, that’s for grilling, not smoking.  Oak is preferred, nut and fruit tree wood is also good.

Sauce?  Christ do folks around here go all apefuckingshit about barbecue sauce, they think it’s only used to cover up bad meat.  It’s simple.  Do you like BBQ sauce?  Pour away, it’s your fucking meal anyway.  Actually, a little brushed on before wrapping in paper isn’t half bad.

Holy shit, first I confessed to an electric smoker, now I just claimed barbecue sauce to be OK.  I’ll be deported back to the Midwest for sure if they find out!

Whoever “they” are…