A Place to Call Home



I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

Operator: Greater Charlottesville Telephone Operator Extension, how may I direct your call?….I see…And these arrangements, you said, is for a football team?….Well sir, I think I can get you to the correct person who can help you. One moment please….(Phone Clicks)…Alright, you are connected to the video conference line to our Visitors and Tourism Bureau.

Dan Snyder: Hello? Anyone there? That lady even transfer me? I don’t hear any music. Dang interns setting these things up. I have no idea how in the world —

Governor Pat McCrory (R-NC): DANIEL! Good afternoon, sir! How are you doing, you old yankee!?

Snyder: Pat? What are — I was trying to reach someone in Charlotte. Jerry Richardson gave me this number to call.

McCrory: That ol’ son of a bitch said you’d be calling! Said you were thinking about finally getting out the swamp, eh?

Snyder: That was supposed to be confidential. But I’d talked about moving into Bank of America Stadium with him, why’d he give me a Virginia number? And why are you here?

McCrory: Election fraud, Dan.

Snyder: Oh yeah, I heard about —

McCrory: Ah I’m just pulling your chain, Dan! Rolled the dice and lost on that tranny thing! Flew too close to the sun, as they say. Cost me my entire political career even! [Chokes on laughter, bends over out of screen, long nasally inhalation sound, returns to screen rubbing his nose then his lower gums]. But, hey, that’s why we play the game, right?!

Snyder: Well, I don’t know what Jerry told you but, long-story-made-short, Dean and Stan have inspired me to take the next step in our plans for a new home for the Redskins.

McCrory: Yeah and Jerry said you thought you’d move in down there. But, before you go playing second fiddle in some shit town capital of a backwater state, why not stay close to home in Virginia? Look at this place! Gorgeous!

Snyder: You used to be Governor of that backwater state. And isn’t Raleigh–

McCrory: Daniel, listen to me. A duly elected legislature penned, debated, and voted to send a piece of state legislation about bathrooms to my desk. You think affirmative actioning a black quarterback makes that place San Francisco East? So consider Virginia. I was reluctant to relocate here but, I gotta say, it’s really come to impress me and Hunter [thumbs back to oil painting behind him].

Snyder: Honestly Pat, I don’t really care where we go. I just need to get out of the District for a couple years to play some hardball. Two years ago, I had offers for state-of-the-art facilities along the Potomoc and all I’d have to do is change the team name. It got held up for that Tam case and, shit, now Redskin is the tamest term coming out of Washington these days. I’ve lost all my leverage.

McCrory: You don’t have to change the team name, brother. And why should you? It’s about honor. It’s about tradition. What if I told you that, after I spoke to Jerry last week, we did a little community solicitation and found that support for the Redskins is strong down here in the Old Dominion?

Snyder: Really? Because we’ve sponsored surveys for years and they always show that the people of Virginia aren’t interested in funding stadium boondoggles for the benefit of billionaires who could give a shit about any of them.

McCrory: That’s because you asked the people of Virginia! Look, just see what results we had and then you tell me that Virginia is not the perfect place for the new forever home of the Washington Redskins.

Snyder: That an officially licensed NFL product?! Tam ruled that we maintain trademark protections for use of the Stoic RedskinTM and all associated Washington football intellectual property.

McCrory: Don’t get bogged down in the details now. I mean, we told these people that we wanted to hear from both sides on the stadium idea. Want to make sure everyone has a voice. And you know what? Folks couldn’t even wait until the formal meeting on Saturday; they rallied Friday night!

Snyder: Is that — Is this the line to buy rights to purchase season tickets?!

McCrory: To buy land, actually. Only landowners can buy the rights to make a season ticket purchase. But look at how happy they are, even singing Hail to the Redskins. 

Snyder: Wait, what happened when you told them this was just to gauge interest? That there were actually no season tickets to purchase?

McCrory: Not sure, actually. I’m kinda a big picture guy, you know. I’d guess there was a little anger or resentment. I mean, there always is with these people.

Snyder: Probably just unhappy with the Alt-NFLPA types who, no doubt, want to see us remain imprisoned at RFK.

McCrory: [taps nose and presents next photo]

Snyder: Fucking other NFC East fans always trying to interfere with our organization. That’s another thing though; it’s one thing to pony up hundreds of millions of dollars so I have a place to make my obscene profits — I need to know, do they have the passion to be the new headquarters for The Tribe?

McCrory: [taps nose and presents next photo]

Snyder: I love the passion and the teamwork. What about the heritage of the team though. Are they going to want us to change our colors? Tone down our image? Are they willing to carry the mantle as the Redskin Faithful?

McCrory: [holds finger against nose, rolls eye, and presents next photo]

Snyder: Wow. I have to admit, this is quite a presentation. I’m impressed by the good people of Charlottesville. I guess I have to ask though, are they willing to travel and present the Good News that is Redskin fandom?

McCrory: Brother, every American is going to want to visit here just to enjoy the gameday experience of watching the Washington Redskins compete on the gridiron that is InfoWars Field at Wells Fargo Stadium.

Snyder: This truly is, Football is Family.

McCrory: Well get ya lined up on the next city council meeting. McCrory out.

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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FAKE NEWS!!1!! How do I know? Dan the bland never once told McCrory to refer to him as MISTER Snyder