Your “Let’s Go, Go, Go!” Early Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Hey there, welcome fellow shenanigan-creators, maker-uppers of hilarious quips typing bots kinda of people. (“nice word salad, scotch”) Here we are again to have all kinds of hijinks while watching a whole bunch of quality games! [looks at slate] Oof! Well, we’ll make the best of it, won’t we? It looks to me as though BLEERG gave derp! the old “Bill Cosby Special” and they had a baby together. Nothing good can come of carnal relations in a McDonald’s parking lot at 3am. You can trust the experiences of innumerable teenagers on this. Let’s go… TO THE GAMES!

SF/Ind: BANG! Right out of the gate-disappointment. Here are two intensely bad squads that are going nowhere and are disobeying the speed limit while doing so. Hell, I can’t even watch my favourite hard-ass 70’s police detective that fell into a time machine and ended up as a Colts tight end in 2017. (“Jesus Christ, Doyle-you pull one more stunt like that and I’ll bust you down to the parking ticket division! Are we clear?”)

Buf/Cin: How are the Bills 3-1? As near as I can figure, it involves some psychological chicanery. What they do is show up for the game in Buffalo Bills uniforms and that instantly puts the opposing team at ease. (“Those guys again? This’ll be a piece of cake.”) Then, during the course of the contest they do all kinds of unBill-like stuff. Ta-da. Victory.

Ari/Phi: Both these fellas are coming off squeaker-type wins. Expect Philly to give the Cards a healthy dose of the Blount because fellow rb Smallwood is down for the count. Palmer’s penchant for picks continues unabated-he’s got 5 so far.

LAC/NYG: Wooo! This one is really ripe! It’s the Lawnclippers versus the Giant Turds coming at ya. Two O’fer oafish sides with not a single V between them-the less said about this one the better. MOVING ON.

Jax/Pit: Like any youngster of a team trying to find its way, when the Jags are on point they don’t give up very many-max one score. When things are off they give up 37 to the Titans and 23 to the Jets.

NYJ/Cle: For a while there the Jets were in second place in the AFC East because they had the tie-breaker over the Pats. Those four glorious days will likely be the highlight of their season. The Browns problem-as always-is that they can’t find a way to win at the Factory or away from it.

Car/Det: These two 3-1 squadees look like they could be headed for the post-season. Detroit already has a win against Minny and the Bears don’t look to be anything at all. How they fare vs. the Packers will be the decider of their playoff viability. If Cam has turned the corner injury-wise it should be smooth sailing for them Panthers.

Ten/Mia: The Fins have scored all of two field goals the last two weeks WEAK! The Texans (the Texans!) put up 57 points against the Titans just last week. NEXT!

Oh. There is no next game. Well, there’s your half-assed, ill-informed game previews that you barely scanned. It was a pleasure.

You know what you must do now, right? Atta boy!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

RedZone needs to answer for the fact that the first game they showed was Chargers-Giants.

Redshirt
Member

No where to go but up?

Spur
Member
Spur

Rain in Cincy. Let’s see if the cats can handle it.

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

Hello everyone, Fuck Baseball! amirite?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Absolutely.

Spur
Member
Spur

yes

King Hippo
Member

indeed

Redshirt
Member

Bengals attendance seems LA-like. Reasons:

1. Kneeling.
2. Losing.
3. Raining.
4. Church
5. Can’t afford tickets.

blaxabbath
Member

8. Dead Ben Gals

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

6. Bengals.

Spur
Member
Spur

7. Successfully escaped Ohio

Redshirt
Member

Dear Jets Fan(s),

I picked Jets over Cleveland. How scared should I be?

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

It’s like playing a game of Russian roulette where all the chambers are loaded except one.

bk109
Member
bk109

Eh, more like playing Russian Roulette with a semi-auto and hoping against hope that at the next round is a dud 😀

Redshirt
Member

NFL: “Why are the ratings down? It can’t have anything to do with not showing any other games except for the local team.”

litre_cola
Member

Here in Western Canadia we get Iggles Cards and Fulham Jags v Stillers. PLUS THE SCOTLAND GAME

Spur
Member
Spur

Good Morning

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Yo

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Scottish goal!

/ only Litre cares

litre_cola
Member

YEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHH

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I just want to say how excited I am that Glennon can’t hurt my soul this weekend.

/Don’t let Trubisky break in half
//In Nacho We Trust

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Nachos sounds like a good decision

King Hippo
Member

“Hold my (longneck bottle) beer”

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Worked overnight, got about 4 hours of sleep and am now sitting at a bar. HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Shoulda just worked overnight at the bar, amirite

bk109
Member
bk109

Overnight under the bar!

blaxabbath
Member

Alright, I gotta head to brunch. Oh, and I found out yesterday that my dog has a tumor they are sending a sample to a lab for and will likely have to remove so, best case scenario, I’m about ready to Rocket Man anyone for anything and I’ll be unapologetic about my behavior because, damn it, when I’m upset then someone — everyone — must pay.

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Related to below: Since when did EVERY NATION demand their own yogurt?! There was once yogurt.
Then the greeks invaded, as is their wont,
Then the Icelandic went berzerk, now the French, who will quickly stop.
I await the Polish.
It will be cheese curds on pizza.
Which I am making later. With bacon.

bk109
Member
bk109

I’ll provide the “Bulgarian” variety, which according to the “totally unbiased” history lessons in .. Bulgaria (aka the old country) is totally our invention and all those bastards just stole it from us 😉

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Doctor thought I had Bulgaria once. It was just gas.
-CTE

bk109
Member
bk109

Oh,mate, I used to have chronic Bulgaria, but a clean regimen and moving the fuck away (and down the line renouncing my citizenship) I IZ CURED!

King Hippo
Member

Christian McCaffrey – still a white boy in he NFL ,, smgdh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

GODDAMNIT! My wife bought the “lite” cream cheese. Now with 20% more air bubbles!

Gratliff
Member

Neufchatel cream cheese is the biggest lie ever told to man. Somehow, the greek yogurt attempt is even worse.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Hello, fellow dickjokers. I woke up at 630am to play baseball in an over 30 league, promptly got plunked in my first plate appearance, and went right from the field to Dulles. I don’t feel bad in the slightest about sweating all over the arm rest hog next to me but I am not thrilled to be in the air during mandatory football watching

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

It sounds like you are going to be sitting down for the anthem, you goddamned commie.

bk109
Member
bk109

Could be worse,lol.. I’m going to hell (well.. yeah, I’m going there regardless, but I’m getting the deluxe fire and brimstone package) for tackling a priest in my sunday footy league 😀

King Hippo
Member

“How does it feel to be the altar boy, padre??”

bk109
Member
bk109

Those jokes in Ireland are hazardous to my health, yo… Plus it’s never a good idea to troll someone that has dirt on ya (courtesy of going to uni together XD )

King Hippo
Member

thought you weren’t supposed to fly after head owies?

/we will HARF at funeral

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Things it’d be funny for Cam to do:
Open a driving school
Give fashion advice
Talk

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Laptop repairman?

bk109
Member
bk109

Eh, with laptops today he can only do his best Bones McCoy impression and pronounce ’em dead

yeah right
Member

spelling bee entrant.

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

I think RG3 would give him a challenge.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Motherboy competition

yeah right
Member

Think we’re going to toggle Clippers – Giants and Carolina – Detroit.

Doesn’t matter, my ass is in the kitchen today.

King Hippo
Member

I hate that Shitty Clippers/Giants game isn’t in LA, it would be 90% Big Blue fans.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I figured LA as a Cialis town, but if its Viagra they need…

blaxabbath
Member

Guys…..I’m starting to think Donald Trump isn’t going to succeed at tax reform.

King Hippo
Member

at least DonT doesn’t have to watch…CasselVANIA! v. Catler. ay yi yi

blaxabbath
Member

He can enjoy that roll of paper towels!

King Hippo
Member

Also, going all LAW SKOOL on the ppls, would you risk Davante “Eggshell Skull” Adams in one’s flex today, when one’s shitty alternative is Alex Collins (PPR)?

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

I’d say yes, as cobb is likely to take PTO while on the field, and Geronimo had one good catch. Jordy can’t catch everything, Montgomery is out, and Bennett is more talk than action.

King Hippo
Member

good point, they must want to use him, otherwise why risk it at all?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I’m starting two of Davante, Bennett, and Aaron Jones. WHO YA GOT

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Make it Jones, so when he does Fuck all, I won’t feel bad for starting him

King Hippo
Member

Has anyone checked on ICRM after yesterday’s epic Cubs-ing? I mean, hate to interject el beisbol into this glorious October FOOTBAW Sunday, just so long as he’s ok and ready to experience raw Biscuit Truth come the morrow.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

All of my Chicago friends have blamed the loss on me since I went to the game. They’re not wrong, just assholes

King Hippo
Member

this has helped my decision never to attend sportsball matches beyond regular season el beisbol

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I’m sure he’s fine. Cubs are the champs for another month, as I keep reminding my wife.

yeah right
Member

They did just take home field advantage and are heading to Wrigley where they can finish the series.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Cubs and Nats fans both follow up that sentence with “But Scherzer”

King Hippo
Member

He’s back on his bullshit, though. He’s warned us ALL.

litre_cola
Member

I have realized when Mrs Cola is hungover it is all on me. YUUUGE SCOTLAND v slovenia game in 45 mins

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

You know I haven’t watched a lot of soccer lately but given this morning’s slate of games that actually looks pretty tempting.

King Hippo
Member

International, non-tournament Lesser Footy is like watching high school football. Unless you can promise me mob violencia (or a soul crushing Murrican defeat), HARD PASS.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Hard…pass…?”

– Chad Pennington, confronted with an unfamiliar concept

blaxabbath
Member

What’s with the shoulder tat of that dude in the banner image?

yeah right
Member

Can’t get a clean read but it looks like a Stanley cup trophy inside a dreamcatcher.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Ok, dicknuts, I’ve got a choice of Alex Smith v Houston or Philip rivers v Giants or Russell Wilson v RAMMIT.

Who ya got?

King Hippo
Member

Red. Zone.

/jelly of the full RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! coverage tho

blaxabbath
Member

Fantasy Football: Marmalard

Fantasy Viewing: RAMMIT dismembering Nanobubbles

Best TV opt: KC/HOU

Redshirt
Member

1. Chief win.
2. Derp off!
3. Surprisingly good game.

blaxabbath
Member

PHI is Palmer’s game to throw away. ARI is a quality run-stop team but the D is banged up and the secondary, especially in the intermediate catch-and-run game, is vulnerable. That said, ARI can win a shootout. What they cannot win is a game in which Palmer has no time (very likely) and the run game is abandoned (also likely).

Redshirt
Member

That’s been Palmer’s scouting report since he was in Cincy. You’ve give him time and a running game to slow down the pass rush, he will destroy a defense. Ever since The Knee, when he feels pressure, he gets Happy Feet and then all bets are off.

blaxabbath
Member

I know Palmer isn’t the greatest quarterback but I have a lot of respect for the way he takes the hits and just keeps playing. I mean, that dude has gotten absolutely fucking rocked for the last two years and, like last week, he hung in to throw Fitz that game-winner in OT. Dude never complains about anyone else and always eats the crow for the offense. He’s never chewing anyone’s ass on the sideline. Even when WRs would run wrong routes, Palmer would own the play in a presser before Arians would walk out and go, “Carson threw the ball to the right place; Brown just ran the wrong route.”

Of course, toughness doesn’t mean anything unless you win championships.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Plus one time he cut a Raiders’ rookie’s hair into the shape of a penis. If that doesn’t make you love him you are a heartless monster who will never know what love is.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Oh, and also one time my friend saw Carson Palmer in an elevator and Carson said “nice to see you again” even though they had never met.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

That happened at a children’s hospital, which means EVEN MORE points for Carson.

blaxabbath
Member

Or it means he’s Trenting.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

It was many years ago. He and Pete Carroll were actually there visiting sick kids, which raises my level of respect for both men. Of course, Pete kept insisting the kids were sick because of chemtrails…but his heart was in the right place (unlike those lizard people, whose hearts are actually located where a human’s liver would be).

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

/ looks away and pretends not to hear.

– K.V.O.

Redshirt
Member

Its okay. If Steinbach would’ve held onto the block, Palmer would’ve finished the play standing and the Bengals would’ve won the game in a shootout.

Besides, after the last Steelers-Bengals playoff game, my definition of “Cripplingly Painful Playoff Loss” has been…rewritten.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

You know, I was initially disappointed that LA got a shitty game to watch and now I realize they’re all shitty.

Redshirt
Member

I’m curious if there are some Liberal Dum-Dumbs out there who will get on SNL and Kate McKinnon’s case for having the audacity of saying that Wonder Woman isn’t a lesbian.

If anything, you gotta give credit for Kate McKinnon for setting herself up to make out with Gal Gadot. “Sorry, honey! That’s what they wrote, and its only a part I play.”

blaxabbath
Member

Doesn’t she bang that guy in the movie? Though it is a strange plot that Amazonia is just all beautiful powerful women — but they don’t bang.

But considering there is always SOMEONE with an internet hot take, Buzzfeed will get a #content out of ripping on SNL for being too comfortable and not properly getting the New York Lesbian Association before running the skit and FoxNews.Com will get some hits on a headline that SNL is anti-LGBTQ but libtards are so sold on Hillary that they can’t see this prejudice before their own eyes.

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