Hey there, welcome fellow shenanigan-creators, maker-uppers of hilarious quips typing bots kinda of people. (“nice word salad, scotch”) Here we are again to have all kinds of hijinks while watching a whole bunch of quality games! [looks at slate] Oof! Well, we’ll make the best of it, won’t we? It looks to me as though BLEERG gave derp! the old “Bill Cosby Special” and they had a baby together. Nothing good can come of carnal relations in a McDonald’s parking lot at 3am. You can trust the experiences of innumerable teenagers on this. Let’s go… TO THE GAMES!
SF/Ind: BANG! Right out of the gate-disappointment. Here are two intensely bad squads that are going nowhere and are disobeying the speed limit while doing so. Hell, I can’t even watch my favourite hard-ass 70’s police detective that fell into a time machine and ended up as a Colts tight end in 2017. (“Jesus Christ, Doyle-you pull one more stunt like that and I’ll bust you down to the parking ticket division! Are we clear?”)
Buf/Cin: How are the Bills 3-1? As near as I can figure, it involves some psychological chicanery. What they do is show up for the game in Buffalo Bills uniforms and that instantly puts the opposing team at ease. (“Those guys again? This’ll be a piece of cake.”) Then, during the course of the contest they do all kinds of unBill-like stuff. Ta-da. Victory.
Ari/Phi: Both these fellas are coming off squeaker-type wins. Expect Philly to give the Cards a healthy dose of the Blount because fellow rb Smallwood is down for the count. Palmer’s penchant for picks continues unabated-he’s got 5 so far.
LAC/NYG: Wooo! This one is really ripe! It’s the Lawnclippers versus the Giant Turds coming at ya. Two O’fer oafish sides with not a single V between them-the less said about this one the better. MOVING ON.
Jax/Pit: Like any youngster of a team trying to find its way, when the Jags are on point they don’t give up very many-max one score. When things are off they give up 37 to the Titans and 23 to the Jets.
NYJ/Cle: For a while there the Jets were in second place in the AFC East because they had the tie-breaker over the Pats. Those four glorious days will likely be the highlight of their season. The Browns problem-as always-is that they can’t find a way to win at the Factory or away from it.
Car/Det: These two 3-1 squadees look like they could be headed for the post-season. Detroit already has a win against Minny and the Bears don’t look to be anything at all. How they fare vs. the Packers will be the decider of their playoff viability. If Cam has turned the corner injury-wise it should be smooth sailing for them Panthers.
Ten/Mia: The Fins have scored all of two field goals the last two weeks WEAK! The Texans (the Texans!) put up 57 points against the Titans just last week. NEXT!
Oh. There is no next game. Well, there’s your half-assed, ill-informed game previews that you barely scanned. It was a pleasure.
You know what you must do now, right? Atta boy!
Lolz. High Commander MAGA Chud Mike Pence walked out of the fucking Colts game because someone protested.
such a twee snowflake
Did he ask Mother first? Fucking snowflake.
I look forward to his action being applauded by thousands of meatheads who would never do the same thing because they spent $200 on those seats.
Guarantee he had two speeches in his pocket and a portable podium at the ready: One for owning the libs because the thugs wouldn’t dare disrespect the flag in front of him, and one for calling out the libs because the thugs would dare disrespect the flag in front of him. The fucking cast of Hamilton was too scary for him. What did he expect here?
It wasn’t because of the protest, it was because his ticket placed him in a seat next to a woman that was not his wife.
What is the longest pass Eli has thrown this year?
Ice Cream dessert after dinner.
He threw the bathroom pass pretty far after he found out that hiding there for ten minutes wasn’t going to get him out of the Geometry pop quiz.
Lions production crew pulling from the BOFH calendar. Good shit.
My version of Scotchy’s yearning is FOAR Humps/Tomsulas
You’ve got T.Y. Hotel on your fantasy or some shit?
I mean, I have NC State affinity for Brissett and #JewishKicker in my fantasy league, but mostly just brain damage methinks
Pop quiz y’all: I’ve currently got 3 computers (and 5 screens) around me with a (reasonably) legal access to every game and I’m watching Jax vs Pit… In 2 sentences or less diagnose what the fuck is wrong with me?
Many, many things.
Self loathing?
you have PIT in Suicide Pool like Hippo?
Nope, no interest in that game whatsoever (including the office fantasy league)…
Edit: Yet I can’t seem to be willing to find something… ANYTHING better
Sadomasochism?
rivers you idiot
After the McNabb era, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing an Eagles QB throw a fade TD.
A welcome change to on-field vomit ,, amirite?
I’m sort of nostalgic for the old goalline shovel pass
I for one loved McNabb. PUKING MEANS HE CARES HIPPO
But a solid 2nd OT player!
Giants bar has put on Lithuania- England instead of eagles cardinals
TELL THEM TO PUT ON SCOTLAND
Ya better tell somebody not to snap the ball early
Hey man you gotta start early if you’re gonna #TARPIT all day long.
I enjoy your name!
Giants get the safety! 2-0 Suck on that, America!
/okay, I’m excited
throw it to Evan Engram, goddamnit
Gotta be honest, my arm isn’t that strong.
WORK OUT BRO
Safety for the Safety Gods
Huh? FUCK YOU!
#ShittyClippers
Eagles TD scored by Guy No One Has
HOW DEEP IS YOUR POOL!
So Mrs Cola is hungover for the 1st time in a year and a half! I am too but her pain makes me feel better about my plight.. COME ON SCOTLAND!!!!
I like and fully support this new “Throw the ball to AJ Green” gameplan.
Cover AJ Green? TOO MAINSTREAM
Afternoon, lizard people. I got a bagel after my lesson, so I didn’t get to ask. ARE YOU READY FOR A SHITSHOW?
“DAMN REICH!”
-Anonymous European Country
A shit show?
“Damn right!” (Reich)?
Germany?
/why do I even bother, smgdh
Yes, but only if you promise to attend the annual illuminati meetings on Passover. You’ll never guess what’s on our menu.
Justice League looks horrible. DC done fucked up letting Zach Snyder guide their movies feel. And Whedon is a hack, that snappy dialogue gets old and dates a movie.
Also Aquaman as a super hero is pushing it, even in the DC universe
They might as well just cut costs and use his non-union Mexican equivalent, Aguaman.
You misspelled “Cyborg”.
FUUUUCCKKKK Slovenia Goal
/no one cares but me
I do!
“Yes, I would like to f**k a Slovenian goil.”
– excerpt from the hot mike 3 stooges outtakes.
WOO WOO-WOO-WOO WOO! NYUK NYUK!
That was a bizarre bomb to Brown. Looked like both Brown and Ramsey misjudged it (short), then Ramsey bumped Brown into it when it fluttered long?
Roethlisberger’s deep ball accuracy failing?
The only rushing td for the Giants belongs to Eli.
Solid 30 yard punt from your own 20
Looking forward to Fitzgerald putting up 200 and 3 on the Eagles again
RedZone needs to answer for the fact that the first game they showed was Chargers-Giants.
No where to go but up?
I’ve access to six freakin’ games and I’m morbidly curious about Jets/Browns.
Fucking Ontario
Jets 3 and out
I’ve got that game. I’ve so many choices and yet…
We all thrive on our self-loathing and feeling of fundamental unworthiness
/dick joke
Rain in Cincy. Let’s see if the cats can handle it.
Hello everyone, Fuck Baseball! amirite?
indeed
yes
Absolutely.
Bengals attendance seems LA-like. Reasons:
1. Kneeling.
2. Losing.
3. Raining.
4. Church
5. Can’t afford tickets.
6. Bengals.
7. Successfully escaped Ohio
8. Dead Ben Gals
Dear Jets Fan(s),
I picked Jets over Cleveland. How scared should I be?
It’s like playing a game of Russian roulette where all the chambers are loaded except one.
Eh, more like playing Russian Roulette with a semi-auto and hoping against hope that at the next round is a dud 😀
NFL: “Why are the ratings down? It can’t have anything to do with not showing any other games except for the local team.”
Here in Western Canadia we get Iggles Cards and Fulham Jags v Stillers. PLUS THE SCOTLAND GAME
Good Morning
Yo
Scottish goal!
/ only Litre cares
YEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just want to say how excited I am that Glennon can’t hurt my soul this weekend.
/Don’t let Trubisky break in half
//In Nacho We Trust
“Hold my (longneck bottle) beer”
Nachos sounds like a good decision
Worked overnight, got about 4 hours of sleep and am now sitting at a bar. HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN?
Shoulda just worked overnight at the bar, amirite
Overnight under the bar!
Alright, I gotta head to brunch. Oh, and I found out yesterday that my dog has a tumor they are sending a sample to a lab for and will likely have to remove so, best case scenario, I’m about ready to Rocket Man anyone for anything and I’ll be unapologetic about my behavior because, damn it, when I’m upset then someone — everyone — must pay.
Related to below: Since when did EVERY NATION demand their own yogurt?! There was once yogurt.
Then the greeks invaded, as is their wont,
Then the Icelandic went berzerk, now the French, who will quickly stop.
I await the Polish.
It will be cheese curds on pizza.
Which I am making later. With bacon.
I’ll provide the “Bulgarian” variety, which according to the “totally unbiased” history lessons in .. Bulgaria (aka the old country) is totally our invention and all those bastards just stole it from us 😉
Doctor thought I had Bulgaria once. It was just gas.
-CTE
Oh,mate, I used to have chronic Bulgaria, but a clean regimen and moving the fuck away (and down the line renouncing my citizenship) I IZ CURED!
Christian McCaffrey – still a white boy in he NFL ,, smgdh
GODDAMNIT! My wife bought the “lite” cream cheese. Now with 20% more air bubbles!
Neufchatel cream cheese is the biggest lie ever told to man. Somehow, the greek yogurt attempt is even worse.
Hello, fellow dickjokers. I woke up at 630am to play baseball in an over 30 league, promptly got plunked in my first plate appearance, and went right from the field to Dulles. I don’t feel bad in the slightest about sweating all over the arm rest hog next to me but I am not thrilled to be in the air during mandatory football watching
thought you weren’t supposed to fly after head owies?
/we will HARF at funeral
Could be worse,lol.. I’m going to hell (well.. yeah, I’m going there regardless, but I’m getting the deluxe fire and brimstone package) for tackling a priest in my sunday footy league 😀
“How does it feel to be the altar boy, padre??”
Damn it, Hippo!
/and these slow-typing fingers
Those jokes in Ireland are hazardous to my health, yo… Plus it’s never a good idea to troll someone that has dirt on ya (courtesy of going to uni together XD )
It sounds like you are going to be sitting down for the anthem, you goddamned commie.
TO THE BEER STORE!
/for beer
Things it’d be funny for Cam to do:
Open a driving school
Give fashion advice
Talk
Laptop repairman?
spelling bee entrant.
Motherboy competition
I think RG3 would give him a challenge.
Eh, with laptops today he can only do his best Bones McCoy impression and pronounce ’em dead
Think we’re going to toggle Clippers – Giants and Carolina – Detroit.
Doesn’t matter, my ass is in the kitchen today.
I hate that Shitty Clippers/Giants game isn’t in LA, it would be 90% Big Blue fans.
I figured LA as a Cialis town, but if its Viagra they need…
Sooo, rump roast is on the menu?
Almost. Slow braised short ribs over homemade noodles.
oh fuck that sound good
I was at the store picking up a bag of egg noodles when I thought “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Then I took my own Sunday Gravy advice and said fuck that store bought shit.
Guys…..I’m starting to think Donald Trump isn’t going to succeed at tax reform.
You could stop at ‘succeed’ if you wish.
at least DonT doesn’t have to watch…CasselVANIA! v. Catler. ay yi yi
He can enjoy that roll of paper towels!
Also, going all LAW SKOOL on the ppls, would you risk Davante “Eggshell Skull” Adams in one’s flex today, when one’s shitty alternative is Alex Collins (PPR)?
I’d say yes, as cobb is likely to take PTO while on the field, and Geronimo had one good catch. Jordy can’t catch everything, Montgomery is out, and Bennett is more talk than action.
good point, they must want to use him, otherwise why risk it at all?
I’m starting two of Davante, Bennett, and Aaron Jones. WHO YA GOT
Make it Jones, so when he does Fuck all, I won’t feel bad for starting him
Has anyone checked on ICRM after yesterday’s epic Cubs-ing? I mean, hate to interject el beisbol into this glorious October FOOTBAW Sunday, just so long as he’s ok and ready to experience raw Biscuit Truth come the morrow.
I’m sure he’s fine. Cubs are the champs for another month, as I keep reminding my wife.
He’s back on his bullshit, though. He’s warned us ALL.
They did just take home field advantage and are heading to Wrigley where they can finish the series.
Cubs and Nats fans both follow up that sentence with “But Scherzer”
All of my Chicago friends have blamed the loss on me since I went to the game. They’re not wrong, just assholes
this has helped my decision never to attend sportsball matches beyond regular season el beisbol
I have realized when Mrs Cola is hungover it is all on me. YUUUGE SCOTLAND v slovenia game in 45 mins
You know I haven’t watched a lot of soccer lately but given this morning’s slate of games that actually looks pretty tempting.
International, non-tournament Lesser Footy is like watching high school football. Unless you can promise me mob violencia (or a soul crushing Murrican defeat), HARD PASS.
“Hard…pass…?”
– Chad Pennington, confronted with an unfamiliar concept
What’s with the shoulder tat of that dude in the banner image?
Can’t get a clean read but it looks like a Stanley cup trophy inside a dreamcatcher.
Ok, dicknuts, I’ve got a choice of Alex Smith v Houston or Philip rivers v Giants or Russell Wilson v RAMMIT.
Who ya got?
1. Chief win.
2. Derp off!
3. Surprisingly good game.
Fantasy Football: Marmalard
Fantasy Viewing: RAMMIT dismembering Nanobubbles
Best TV opt: KC/HOU
Red. Zone.
/jelly of the full RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! coverage tho
PHI is Palmer’s game to throw away. ARI is a quality run-stop team but the D is banged up and the secondary, especially in the intermediate catch-and-run game, is vulnerable. That said, ARI can win a shootout. What they cannot win is a game in which Palmer has no time (very likely) and the run game is abandoned (also likely).
That’s been Palmer’s scouting report since he was in Cincy. You’ve give him time and a running game to slow down the pass rush, he will destroy a defense. Ever since The Knee, when he feels pressure, he gets Happy Feet and then all bets are off.
/ looks away and pretends not to hear.
– K.V.O.
Its okay. If Steinbach would’ve held onto the block, Palmer would’ve finished the play standing and the Bengals would’ve won the game in a shootout.
Besides, after the last Steelers-Bengals playoff game, my definition of “Cripplingly Painful Playoff Loss” has been…rewritten.
I know Palmer isn’t the greatest quarterback but I have a lot of respect for the way he takes the hits and just keeps playing. I mean, that dude has gotten absolutely fucking rocked for the last two years and, like last week, he hung in to throw Fitz that game-winner in OT. Dude never complains about anyone else and always eats the crow for the offense. He’s never chewing anyone’s ass on the sideline. Even when WRs would run wrong routes, Palmer would own the play in a presser before Arians would walk out and go, “Carson threw the ball to the right place; Brown just ran the wrong route.”
Of course, toughness doesn’t mean anything unless you win championships.
Plus one time he cut a Raiders’ rookie’s hair into the shape of a penis. If that doesn’t make you love him you are a heartless monster who will never know what love is.
Oh, and also one time my friend saw Carson Palmer in an elevator and Carson said “nice to see you again” even though they had never met.
That happened at a children’s hospital, which means EVEN MORE points for Carson.
Or it means he’s Trenting.
It was many years ago. He and Pete Carroll were actually there visiting sick kids, which raises my level of respect for both men. Of course, Pete kept insisting the kids were sick because of chemtrails…but his heart was in the right place (unlike those lizard people, whose hearts are actually located where a human’s liver would be).
You know, I was initially disappointed that LA got a shitty game to watch and now I realize they’re all shitty.
I’m curious if there are some Liberal Dum-Dumbs out there who will get on SNL and Kate McKinnon’s case for having the audacity of saying that Wonder Woman isn’t a lesbian.
If anything, you gotta give credit for Kate McKinnon for setting herself up to make out with Gal Gadot. “Sorry, honey! That’s what they wrote, and its only a part I play.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2cRZL70C0w
Doesn’t she bang that guy in the movie? Though it is a strange plot that Amazonia is just all beautiful powerful women — but they don’t bang.
But considering there is always SOMEONE with an internet hot take, Buzzfeed will get a #content out of ripping on SNL for being too comfortable and not properly getting the New York Lesbian Association before running the skit and FoxNews.Com will get some hits on a headline that SNL is anti-LGBTQ but libtards are so sold on Hillary that they can’t see this prejudice before their own eyes.