Hey there, welcome fellow shenanigan-creators, maker-uppers of hilarious quips typing bots kinda of people. (“nice word salad, scotch”) Here we are again to have all kinds of hijinks while watching a whole bunch of quality games! [looks at slate] Oof! Well, we’ll make the best of it, won’t we? It looks to me as though BLEERG gave derp! the old “Bill Cosby Special” and they had a baby together. Nothing good can come of carnal relations in a McDonald’s parking lot at 3am. You can trust the experiences of innumerable teenagers on this. Let’s go… TO THE GAMES!
SF/Ind: BANG! Right out of the gate-disappointment. Here are two intensely bad squads that are going nowhere and are disobeying the speed limit while doing so. Hell, I can’t even watch my favourite hard-ass 70’s police detective that fell into a time machine and ended up as a Colts tight end in 2017. (“Jesus Christ, Doyle-you pull one more stunt like that and I’ll bust you down to the parking ticket division! Are we clear?”)
Buf/Cin: How are the Bills 3-1? As near as I can figure, it involves some psychological chicanery. What they do is show up for the game in Buffalo Bills uniforms and that instantly puts the opposing team at ease. (“Those guys again? This’ll be a piece of cake.”) Then, during the course of the contest they do all kinds of unBill-like stuff. Ta-da. Victory.
Ari/Phi: Both these fellas are coming off squeaker-type wins. Expect Philly to give the Cards a healthy dose of the Blount because fellow rb Smallwood is down for the count. Palmer’s penchant for picks continues unabated-he’s got 5 so far.
LAC/NYG: Wooo! This one is really ripe! It’s the Lawnclippers versus the Giant Turds coming at ya. Two O’fer oafish sides with not a single V between them-the less said about this one the better. MOVING ON.
Jax/Pit: Like any youngster of a team trying to find its way, when the Jags are on point they don’t give up very many-max one score. When things are off they give up 37 to the Titans and 23 to the Jets.
NYJ/Cle: For a while there the Jets were in second place in the AFC East because they had the tie-breaker over the Pats. Those four glorious days will likely be the highlight of their season. The Browns problem-as always-is that they can’t find a way to win at the Factory or away from it.
Car/Det: These two 3-1 squadees look like they could be headed for the post-season. Detroit already has a win against Minny and the Bears don’t look to be anything at all. How they fare vs. the Packers will be the decider of their playoff viability. If Cam has turned the corner injury-wise it should be smooth sailing for them Panthers.
Ten/Mia: The Fins have scored all of two field goals the last two weeks WEAK! The Texans (the Texans!) put up 57 points against the Titans just last week. NEXT!
Oh. There is no next game. Well, there’s your half-assed, ill-informed game previews that you barely scanned. It was a pleasure.
You know what you must do now, right? Atta boy!
So Pence went to a game full well knowing he was going to leave?
Yeah, it’s a real shocker
Didn’t he try to outlaw the shocker in Indiana?
Mother told me it felt dirty
The whole thing was staged, apparently. Reports say the media were waiting outside for him to come out.
Yet they won’t actually ever call him out for this staged bullshit because they are a bunch of craven jackals.
yep
Doesn’t seem like a sportsball guy in the first place, we always shoulda seemed suspicious. Plus it was v. Tomsulas.
Troll so hard U. The best part is, they already have his money!
Nah, he was all down with it, but when he found out Brissett was the QB instead of Luck, he split because he’d already put up with 8 years of a black guy in charge and that was enough for him.
They forgot to pick up the Kickoff Tee. Cincinnati Football, ladies and gentlemen!
did it wind up inside somebody’s butt??
Garnish for pasta.
You spelled “Skyline chili” wrong.
It’s time for the Giants to stop sucking. Can’t have them lucking into another Eli.
Marvin Harrison wasn’t invited to Indy for Manning’s big day? How rude.
I hope Marvin Harrison has a good alibi for why he wasn’t at Peyton’s Number retirement ceremony.
“Fucking Nationwide raised my premiums for a lousy speeding ticket.”
speaking of, what kind of nightmare fuel is that 13-foot PeyPey??
How much of it is forehead?
I mean, how much isn’t? Assume that’s where the CIA mind control devices are, too.
Fivehead is a unit of measurement
A team of engineers determined it to be approximately 69.18 percent. Or 5.38 Papa John’s in the Peyton system of measurement.
one also suspects the height was calculated so that ppl couldn’t take selfies with their heads at weiner level
Dawww, horseballs!
If JPP had lined up with his right hand on the ground instead, he would have been onside.
Commercial for Undisputed cut off by Subway ad, blessing in disguise or lesser of two evils?
Undisputed, like Jared Fogel’s plea bargain
Easter Island head more amazing to look at than crappy sandwich.
Man, finding a decent stream has been hell today. Not boding well for the Raiders game.
– Bill Romanowski, trying to cheat the piss test.
Rivers and Giants D are having a suckoff that would make Buddy blush
Throw it to Williams Laserface!
“Tackling, what is it?” Los Gigantes
Nice Float out of the endzone for Rivers
Folks.
It’s spelled Volk in New England
Lazerface NO SMIRE
Blocked FG and Eagles get the ball to start the 2nd. Looking forward to 30 minutes of prevent defense.
Why does Fitz’s military school photo look like a promotional photo for ‘Glory’
Wrong movie, but…
“It’s beautiful, man…beautiful!”
– Ryan Fitzpatrick, firing off interceptions
Erm, why’s Tom Cruise firing an M60 outta a window?
Edit: Nevermind – I googled the quote from above.. Seems like a fun movie XD
Scientology told him to.
Well played Mr Jello, beat me to it.
The gays
thetans attacking
Cam just threw a dart
healed by the “DAHKIE!!!” taunts of Tawwwwmy from Quinzee
And Laserface just floated one out of the end zone
Thomas Middleditch needs to be bludgeoned with a crowbar.
Damn, what a throw by Cam
Stupid Jets spoiling a 0-0 game.
At least a silver lining – they’re reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally fucking up their tank for whichever QB disappointment of the future they had their sights on
I stand by my previous assertion that Dean Blandino looks like a shifty used car salesman.
Canyanero? YA!!!!
Whoa, Canyonero
Well, Jets win.
There’s still the possibility that the JEST can get those points taken away?
Welp. Carson Wentz is bad again.
BOO
Why is KC playing a team that doesnt exist this evening?
So Pence’s hissy-fit was a pre-planned fauxrage. On the taxpayer dime. Las Vegas to Indy to LA. With prewritten tweets and press releases.
I’m shocked
No wae.. Someone associated with this administration is lying and abusing taxpayer funds for a shitty attempt to distract folks outta the shittastic job Donnie’s been doing?! I’m shocked I tellz ya!
^^^^^^^^^^
Dave Pasche is calling Ari-phi on the radio and, pregame, made the note that most PHI fans dancing in the stadium “are….overweight.”
I mean, that’s pretty much accurate for the entirety of the NFL
But who says it?!
yeah let me be festively plump goddamnit
Calling all those Pac12 basketball games with Bill Walton is rubbing off on him.
The Browns are the Air Coryell in terms of playing bad Football.
Bleergh and Shan’khor are decreeing this game will have no points, right?
time to find a new Bargain Bin Zendejas, maybe #ThePauls
I think the Pauls and J-E-S-T are more than capable of doing that on their own.
Catler/CasselVANIA! might be worse than #ThePauls/Jets, somehow.
How about them Bengals? Seriously, how are they? The bar I picked has direct tv and CBS is being a dick.
Oh, Jaguras…stop taking pages out of #ThePauls playbook.
Think he was down by contact at the point of pickerception, though.
Corporate HQ confirms this.
I know the prime time TV color guys get the majority of Commentist scorn but Dan Fouts is horrendously bad, just the fucking worst. Low Commanders rage is understandable and justified.
The CIA is recording the Jets Browns game for future use as “enhanced interrogation techniques” at all their black sites
Buck and Aikman are being brought in to re-do the announcing. This is next-level torture.
Giants don’t even bother to go for the first down on third and fifteen. What. The. Fuck.
McAdoo looks like the type of person to call a draw play on 3rd and 15.
You can take the Coughlin out of the Giants but you can’t take him out of the McAdoo.
I’m gonna predict how the first half ends… Kizer throws a pick that gets taken back 97 yards, then a fumble at the 1, which goes out of the end zone for a touchback.
Nfc North fun:
Packers: name field after owner
Bears: put initials of bestest coach on unis
Lions: name field and put initials of owner on unis
Vikings: MUST EXHUME RED MCCOMBS AND HAVE HIS CORPSE SKULLFUCK THE CUCKOO CLOCK MAKER AT THE SUPERB OWL.
Hell, Red’s still alive and kicking down here in San Antonio. Well, at 90, probably alive and drooling.
I know what I said. No ragrets.
I’ll be making chili at half-time-if you show up with a bowl (of any kind) you’re more than welcome.
Commute to N. Ont is a bit extreme.
So am being told all the Giant Receivers are hurt. Can someone confirm?
They sure as shit are hurting my eyes
Did something happen to Engram? Fucking figures.
That’s just an excuse. Really they just don’t want to play catch with Eli, rumor on the playground is he has cooties.
Shepard and Marshall are down.
Litre, to answer your question from a while ago:
“Yes, that’s why.”
The most Jets thing ever would be if this game ended in a draw.
Scoreless draw. Which I am openly rooting for at this point.
Scoreless tie?
Yeah, scoreless.
Shut up, like your prom night was any better.
At least I had my right hand on that night, but now I have carpal tunnel.
As far as you know, I was a pussytubin’ sunovabitch on prom night.
A sink-hole swallows every on the field.. while the score is still a draw?
“Oh, the misery continues!” Sam Rosen is having more fun with this than he should be having.
He’s happy he didn’t call the Ice Giants game last night
Did someone remind Bortles to take his Brlinta this morning?
MAXIMUM #ThePauls/Jets
Has the Factory shifted over to wartime production?
This wud appear the case
I’d just like to point out that the head coach of the Giants is their former offensive coordinator. They are second-last in the league in points scored per game.
Jesus, is Kizer trying to die?
It is Cleveland.
Brandon Marshall ded
Dude died 3 years ago.
Which one?
And then Bortles bortles all over himself…
Artist’s conception:
I just ate a bowl of brownie bites for brunch. Plus some red velvet Chips Ahoy and popcorn. This is going to be a shitty day.
in other words, like every day!
Leave the fan running in the clubhouse latrine.
Look at you, Corn Syrup Tits!
Or bestest day!
/do not follow my dietary plan. Your mileage will vary.
It’s definitely an exceptional day, carrying over from last night’s beer and cookie marathon as my team kicked ass in trivia.