Note: Hello, Brocky checking in here. No doubt you were all wondering where my updates on my fantasy woes were the last two weeks. The explanation is simple: I’ve been too busy, between thanksgiving, moving, (not necessarily far, just short notice, and my laptop deciding that life wasn’t worth living, I’ve been either too tired to too limited in my resources. I’ll try to keep my legions of fans updated, so enjoy this abridged entry in the saga of bad luck Brocky
As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting almost every week how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.
When we last left our uh…. protagonists, Brocky had stumbled to a 6-4 record, and Jesus had decided that he would thwart god’s plan for further fantasy meddling by enlisting the aide of some of the most powerful beings in the Universe: The Four Horsemen.
The Scene: Heaven
This is totally what heaven looks like
Jesus: Well, here I am where, this is where the first horsemen, where is pestilence?
Mysterious disembodied voice: Like many avatars of higher beings, I assume the from whatever my witness deems most appropriate!
Jesus: So, for the bringer of pestilence for nfl related matters is… oh no…
Pestilence assuming the form of Greg Schiano : Well, what can I do you for champ?
Jesus: well, you can tell me what God’s plan is for tampering with brocky’s fantasy stats this week, whatever
Schiano MAN!: there is no plan
Jesus: and in doing so i will… wait, what?
Coach who makes Bobby Petrino look good: nah, you see, your old man came by, asking me to infect the locker rooms. couldn’t get an infections specific enough, he got fed up and stormed off, much like I imagined you doing soon
Jesus storms off
Pestilence: And there he goes.
Jesus travels to his next destination, it takes a week, and in the mean time brocky miraculously wins his week 11 match up by a point, and moves to 7 -4
Jesus: and now for the heavenly/NFL equivilant of famine, what divine form shall you…
Jesus: Seriously? its just the stadium?
Factory of Sadness: ….
Jesus: Nothing to say?
The mistake by the lake:
Jesus storms off again, in the in-between week, brocky inexplicably wins his fourth game in a row. 8-4
Jesus finally comes to his destination: the home of the horesemen known as war
Jesus: Well enough with the formalities, what is your for…
Jesus: what is this? a War-Room? Okay, this isn’t Google! you can’t just expect me to accept this as an passible form.
Oblivious to Jesus’s prescence, the collected scouts squabble about themselves:
Scout #1: Well, I think scoring two points in the early games, from each of his receivers, should be enough to break Brocky’s spirit
Scout #2: But that leaves the running backs free to score too many points, we have to mess with the quarterback first. Matt Ryan has to continue to under perform!
In the middle of all this hubbub, God himself is scouring over notes, completely distracted. Jesus Sees an opportunity, and quietly steps away.
Scout who looks like Jonah Hill: Listen, big guy, you’re going about this all wrong!
God: What do you mean? Who are you anyways?
Scout: I’m an economics expert who’s going to take you to the top! My Sabermetrics are known as the “Moneyball” method, doing next to nothing, I can guarantee you victory!”
God: “You’re sure? This is an important week. If we don’t pull off a loss for Brocky, he’ll be guaranteed a playoff spot! This delayed gratification only works so far! I need to have my fix!
Scout: Of course! its fool-proof! We just intentionally start lower tier players, analyze stats that everyone else bas access to, and pat ourselves on the back wben it all works out!
God: sounds good to me! Lets try it!
it of course fails. Brocky wins his 5th game in a row. Overcoming all odds, he has managed himself to a playoff spot. The regular season finale is this week, so brocky only needs to be worried about seeding. But rest assured faithful viewer, god likely has a a trick up his sleeve. One more horsemen. the one known as death.
Brocky’s Updated Schedule
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