On last night’s open thread, BeerLoverPops mentioned:

After first wondering, what kind of accommodating America First policy is it for the CFL to honour the NFL’s 4-game ban (btw, we all questioning the source of Harrison’s longevity now that he’s in blue?), then wondering what the details were (nothing released but I like to think Manziel thinks their currency is something called Labatt Blue), I then truly asked myself how I felt about Manziel actually getting picked up for the CFL 2018 season. Many of you snowbird [DFO] visitors may not remember (or those of you who don’t like my writing or the…how do you say…I AM AN ARTIST!) my Offseason 2016 series, Serial, which was super fun to write because it was all about Johnny Manziel. So, while I was always more of a cursory Manziel follower until ’16 (after his final year, where he spent the last week in a costume in Vegas rather than in team-mandated treatment) I feel like I am somewhat qualified to speak on the proposed CFL contract.

My thoughts:

I don’t care about Canadian football and I don’t care about Johnny Manziel. So, GOODNESS YES, PLEASE DO THIS! Dude seriously, if you put Manziel CFL games on NBC every Saturday or whatever — AND did not change anything about the broadcasts to make them more Americany (or what networks THINK is Americany), THIS IS IMPORTANT — then I would totally tune into that and try to get into the league.

Seriously though, you put it on as CFL on NBC on Monday Night Football on Saturdays and force me to hear about meters vs feet ever five seconds and I’ll turn that bitch right straight off. All I want is a quality broadcast (and not quality for me, quality for the average Saskatchewan Roughrider fan) of exactly what the Canadiens are watching every week. I want Tim Horton’s ads. I want halftime roundtables with ex-CFL stars and coaches that I have never ever heard of wearing grey blazers.  I want whatever boring crap they broadcast instead of comedy bits or analysis graphics between the action. Most of all, I want to hear how the Canedien announcers cover JFF.

Oh man — and then it’d take like, what, two hours to overwhelm sports media with questions about whether or not this opens the door for TIM TEBOW to play in the CFL and, if he did, would he easily be the greatest CFLer ever — which will then lead to asking how great Tebow could have been in the CFL if he’d not screwed around in the NFL??? #TEDOWMANIA

Manziel is the perfect bridge for the CFL to America because he’s seriously Martin Lawrence in Black Knight. Like, don’t just give me someone I know who I can put in the CFL system and see what the differences are (“Oh, Hester runs back 120 yard returns now. Got it.” or “Well why would I expect Blair Walsh to kick it between their uprights?”) but show me an unconventional player who will come in and be like, “Mr America is here and I’m gonna show you frenchies how we ball down in Texas, the birthplace of the pigskin.” against the backdrop of establishment announcers and the slightly-offness of Canadian broadcasts. And on the broadcasts, the phrases they say won’t mean anything to me and it will make me unsure if I’m lost because I misunderstand the sport itself or misunderstood their Canadian speaking style. As a result, I think I would be a more humbler and observant fan who was having a great time because I was just gonna sit there and let the game entertain me.

So yeah, I think I’ll have to make a New Year’s resolution to block out some time to illegally stream a few Tiger-Cats games this year.