INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY.
We join the show already in progress…
COURTNEY BROWN: Hey, so people can call in and request songs?
PRODUCER: Yes. That countdown I gave you? That meant the show was starting. Playing music is what we are supposed to be doing right now.
BROWN: Can we make outgoing calls?
PRODUCER: Yeah, but…
BROWN: I need you to call this number…[dictates digits]…right now.
PRODUCER: Maybe we could get some music going while…
BROWN: It’s really important.
PRODUCER: Fine. [opens external line, punches in numbers]
PHONE: [ring, ring]
BROWN: Damnit, James, pick up.
— [phone flies open] —
JAMES JETT: [distantly over the sound of a crowd] HELLO?
BROWN: Yo, James! It’s Courtney!
JETT: WHO IS THIS?
BROWN: COURTNEY. COURTNEY BROWN. FROM THE CLEVELAND BROWNS.
JETT: I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU SO GOOD. I’M IN A RESTAURANT. I GOTTA JET, I’LL CALL YOU BACK, ALL RIGHT?
BROWN: Sure, but…
JETT: [hangs up]
BROWN: Ah, [censored], let’s try another one.
PRODUCER: You realize we are on the air right now. We need to start playing some music…
BROWN: One more. [lists off sequence of numbers]
PRODUCER: [does a superb Bill Belichick impression, then punches in numbers]
— [phone flies open] —
MIKE QUICK: Hey, Courtney, I’m driving, can I call you back?
BROWN: Wait! I’m on the radio! Change the station to KDFO!
QUICK: [changes station]
There is a tremendous blast of feedback. The PRODUCER hammers a button, cutting off the phone call. He sits and glares at COURTNEY BROWN.
BROWN: [feeling his glare] I’m sorry, man, this is a mess.
PRODUCER: Many people assured me you’d be good at this.
BROWN: How about I just play a song?
PRODUCER: Yeah, that’d be good.
BROWN: Today’s theme is “Eponymous.” Songs where the name of the song is the name of the band.
PRODUCER: That’s like, ten songs total.
BROWN: Okay, how about songs that are the same name as the album.
PRODUCER: No. That’s too many songs.
BROWN: Hmm. Maybe also songs that have names in them.
PRODUCER: That’s even worse. That’s like, every song ever.
BROWN: How about only songs that are about naming things. Like, “You Can Call Me Al” and stuff.
PRODUCER: [sighs] Sure.
BROWN: I’ll get us started with a song called “In a Big Country” by a band called “Big Country”.
PRODUCER: This is the worst episode of this show ever.