INT. 666 FIFTH AVENUE — DAYTIME
Two men sit side by side at a table in a small room. The older man confidently watches the closed-captioned television without expression. Though both are sitting, it is clear that the older man towers over the younger in every discernable way. The younger man, alternatively, carries a perpetual expression of poorly-masked anxiety. His lips silently move with the words appearing on the screen — We’ll see. We have the tent jails so maybe we need to look at that. I sure would not want to start imprisoning political dissenters but, you know, my hands are tied with…— his concentration breaks as an older woman comes through the door carrying a three-ring binder. She briefly greets the men and takes a seat between them.
Jared Kushner: You got the visual props?
Kristjen Nielsen: Absolutely. Now that Mitt’s trying to get back in the party, his office was happy to loan us some of his binders.
Kushner: Great. You know how much visuals are important. So where do we begin?
Nielsen: Well, I was thinking we’d go ahead and say that there was an NFL rule that mandated teams take on a sponsored player and then, you know, we could just stick our plant in the Eagles locker room.
Mati Leshem: I’m sorry but, as a hired Israeli mercenary, I don’t understand the incentive to infiltrate the roster of a fairly popular NFL team.
Kushner: Rule number one around here, Mati, is that logic is honesty.
Nielsen: Look, between Kush botching the back-channel communication with North Korea — after botching the one he was trying to set up with Russia — and me being so stupid as to not properly set the stage for last week’s executive order, we need a win to get back in the boss. So just help us out. You’re a guy, right? So you know sports. Now help us figure out who we’re gonna get to spy on the Eagles. We just need to get some recording out of context that says these players hate America and then we’re back in the boss’s inner circle.
Leshem: Beyond Tom Brady, I know very little about American football.
Kushner: Yeah. And beyond grifting, I know very little about running a competent business. Doesn’t matter. I already got the guy. You just need to help us get him on the roster.
Nielsen: Not my friend and mentor, Disgraced American General and New-Age Benedict Arnold, John Kelly! There is no way he could take the beating of an NFL training camp.
Kushner: He’s fine. He’s expendable.
Leshem: I have to agree with blondie here. Professional sports require a person with passions. And, as Doug Pederson is touting his new normal locker room condition, I doubt he’d be inclined to take on a guy who cares so little about his job.
Kushner: How about this guy. Just look at him! You can tell that this man sells the term ‘athlete’.
Nielsen: Ben Carson? You think he is adequately loyal?
Kushner: Even better than loyal, Ben Carson is dumb as shit.
Leshem: Not sure that’s gonna be a sell with the Eagles. They have a strong young group of stars and are expected to make a Seahawks-style run on the backs of their youth. Older players are fine but, come on, what are they really going to do with a 65 year old?
Kushner: Fine fine. We still got quality options.
Leshem: Are we only looking at military options? Why are all your choices military men?
Nielsen: Hey. He was not just the author of Dereliction of Duty, he also walked the walk!
Kushner: Besides, military men are the best of the best. That’s why I could have never been one. Yessir, that’s me — descendent of a long line of cowards and crooks.
Leshem: Well, for one thing, he doesn’t pass the eye test. And second, your boss hates him and won’t trust anything he relays back to mission control.
Nielsen: Good point. Who else we got around here who’s black?
The room sits in silence as the block type continues to scroll through the bottom of the television screen.
Kushner: Bam! Not black but definitely trustworthy! In fact, he has never told a lie!
Leshem: Probably going to be difficult to get a guy on the roster who can’t leave the country. And with a week 8 Wembley match up against the finally-competitive Jaguars, the team is going to want a guy with a valid passport. I mean, Jacksonville is no joke, especially when playing in front of their future home crowd.
Nielsen: Shit, with the way the NFL justice system works, if some weed is worth four games then it’s safe to think that being a fucking traitor to the nation you swore to protect and serve would get him suspended at least half the season. Also his son is a piece of shit, if that matters one way or another.
Kushner: Well, I mean, how important is the ability to travel to London? Because I got a guy who looks the part and, while a judge also has his three passports, he still might get them back so long as he doesn’t cave like Mike.
Leshem: Isn’t that dude in jail indefinitely?
Nielsen: I’m sorry, does this look like an 18 month old Honduran child to you?
Kushner: Yeah Mati, take this seriously. Why not Paul? He’s a victim of overzealous federal crackdown manned by nothing but the most unethical unprofessional animals operating with a ruthless political agenda.
Nielsen: I’m sorry but I keep missing this. Does this man look like an 18 month old Honduran child to the both of you?
Leshem: Mandatory minicamp is already over. This guy needed to be available yesterday to have a shot. This dude is the exact opposite of available.
Kushner: Fine! Not incarcerated. Not military. Loyal. Looks like he loves football.
Leshem: Joe Digenova looks like a football fan, not a football player. Definitely fat enough but, considering he admitted to brokering meetings with FBI leakers in 2016 — well, no one wants a leaker on their defensive line. Come on, is everyone under 40 in this administration just some wiry little taint? We’re talking about the Super Bowl champions here. Can’t you go a little younger?
Nielsen: What about these guys?
Leshem: Well, Jared did mention that stupidity is valued around here so maybe Carter Page. Roseman might look past the severe CTE but I highly doubt anyone with that hat is gonna pass the piss test. As for the coffee boy on the left, you think the NFL is going to take much liking to bringing on a guy wearing more mics than Football Night in America?
Nielsen: This guy looks pretty young.
Leshem: Actually, you might have something here. I mean, I think he may be a risk for multiple late hit penalties but loyal, tough, young —
Kushner: We don’t know that guy. No one does. He isn’t a good choice. How about this fine young specimen? You want a tough guy who isn’t afraid to be the enforcer, well, we got ’em!
Leshem: I like the idea of a tough player but this Eagles team is about winning. I mean, this is the kind of motherfucker who’d get cut in training camp then insist he get a ring at the end of the season. The NFL is a sport for alpha personalities and, unless you can assure his only competition in camp will be women and children with down syndrome, everyone knows that pussy is just gonna get his ass kicked.
Nielsen: Geez. The cupboards are dry around here. Putin got anybody we can use?
Kushner: Nah – even our bosses at the Kremlin say this whole kneeling culture war thing is absolutely embarrassing. But I got another young option.
Leshem: She’s 51. You guys gotta keep it within the typical NFL roster range.
Nielsen: Christ, really? She looks like a woman twenty years older trying desperately to look forty years younger. I’m fucking younger than her.
Kushner: Good point.
Leshem: Shit, maybe that’s the way to go. She seems to hit on every other trait the others have had. Hey, throw some stupid feckless bitch out there and I’d guess you’ll still have a better shot at landing a roster spot than Colin Powell.
Nielsen & Kushner [in unison]: Who is Colin Powell?
Leshem: Look, the Eagles are stacked. Their offense looks like the fucking tits, man. But on the defensive side, Fletcher Cox is the only Eagles defensive player in the top of his Madden ’19 position. So let’s focus on someone who might be able to penetrate the defense or special teams.
Leshem: Now we’re talking. This looks like a big boy right there.
Kushner: Shit, if Carter’s CTE is advanced, I don’t know what the term is that describes Erik’s brain. You don’t want a big boy, you want a good boy.
Nielsen: Donald Jr? I’d rather this not get fucked all to high heaven on account of gross incompetence.
Leshem: You know, Pederson has this team bought in. You might be on the right track looking for only the most loyal people to take on this task. The last thing you all need is someone tipping off the Eagles organization.
Nielsen: Well, how about the closest person to the boss?
Kushner: No, no. Bad timing. We don’t need to enter the heart of midterm rally season with POTUS suffering from three months of sexual repression.
Kushner: No, no. Bad timing. We don’t need to enter the heart of midterm rally season with POTUS suffering from three months of domestic violence repression.
Leshem: And the Eagles are gonna want someone who can land a big hit, not just take one. I mean, Tuesdays are typically the day off. The Eagles don’t have room for someone who gets pummeled for three hours and then can’t be seen in public for weeks. Do U?
Kushner: Boss suggested Barron. When I told him he might not be physically capable, he just turned on the TV and told me to do whatever I want, just don’t send any of his kids.
Leshem: No no — I think you’re on the right track with a woman. That’s how Hillary infiltrated Cleveland. We might be able to get some traction if you got someone who maybe looks the part. I mean, none of your candidates got the qualifications so you at least got someone who’ll sell the look in the uniform? I’m not talking about a linebacker or anything. Even just as a kicker would be fine.
Nielsen: Maybe but we’re facing the same problem with foreign games, except domestic.
Leshem: The chick who doesn’t get confused? Not a bad start but mid-4o’s. Come on, guys. And what’s with the card photo there?
Nielsen: Catering to our audience. Her face would distract from her Ivanka-esque figure, should we want to present her as the best option the boss.
Kushner: Shit, I don’t know what to do then. We’re tapped out. I mean, unless there is some football player we could pardon and —
Nielsen: Look, what would it cost for you to just take this whole thing over? Identify the person, get them in there, get the dirt — the whole nine.
Leshem: Two-hundred G’s.
Kushner: Done. Just keep me and Kristjen up to date on your progress and —
Leshem: I’m done.
Leshem: Meet the Philadelphia Eagles next starting linebacker.
Kushner: But I thought we were concerned about the candidate being a soulless heathen absolutely devoid of any sense of humanity who is an absolute disgrace to her nation, her position, and any slivers of integrity that may still exist within her entire extended family that may have snuck under the couch during their last cross burning practice?
Leshem: Have you seen those ankles? No general manager is going to turn down a specimen of these monstrous proportions. If she can carry a football as well as she carries racist signals to the most white trash segments of this country, Pederson is going to be thinking about The Refrigerator in Super Bowl XX long before he realizes he’s inked us to a five-year deal.
Kushner: I guess. She’s just, you know, she’s only human. I guess we gotta do what we gotta do but I do have a tiny voice in my head that wonders about how scarred for life Sarah will be should she get caught.
Nielsen: I’m sorry, does this look like an 18 month old Honduran child to you?
Leshem: No need to invoice me. I have a blank check signed by Scott Pruitt I’ll cash for this. It’s been a pleasure doing business with two of the most clueless and unethical animals in the region.
Kushner: Great, thank you!