Request Line: Crippling Alcoholism

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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EXT. ARIZONA STATE HIGHWAY 87 – DAY

A car appears to be stalled in the breakdown lane of the northbound lane.  A pair of state troopers, identified here only by their Breitbart.com handles MLK_NO_WAY and ARPAIO4EVR, emerge from their vehicle and walk forward.  The younger-looking of the two – MLK_NO_WAY – unbuckles his sidearm, but is waved off by the more experienced ARPAIO4EVR.

ARPAIO4EVR: It’s fine, it’s not stolen.

MLK_NO_WAY: Yeah, but he might be…

ARPAIO4EVR: Nah, I checked the name.  He’s not.

The duo arrive at the passenger door of the vehicle and peer inside.

STEVE KEIM: [snores]

MLK_NO_WAY: Yeesh.  Smells like a brewery.

ARPAIO4EVR: Sure does.

MLK_NO_WAY: Looks like he’s asleep.

ARPAIO4EVR: Ya think?

MLK_NO_WAY: [taps STEVE KEIM on the shoulder] Sir? Sir.

STEVE KEIM: [jolts awake] Two beers!

MLK_NO_WAY: Excuse me?

STEVE KEIM: [slurring] Two beers. In the last hour.  All I had.  And some pizza.

ARPAIO4EVR: All right, all right, out of the vehicle.

STEVE KEIM: I can’t. Bad knee.

ARPAIO4EVR: Out. Of. The. Vehicle.

MLK_NO_WAY: Now.

STEVE KEIM: Call Sean.  He’s my boy.

ARPAIO4EVR: What?

STEVE KEIM: Sean McKenzie.  He’ll tell you what’s up.

ARPAIO4EVR: Sean McKenzie DIED four years ago, you asshole. Get out of the goddamned car.

STEVE KEIM reluctantly gets out of the vehicle and stumbles as he tries to stay upright.  ARPAIO4EVR follows him and begins administering a field sobriety test which…does not go well for KEIM. 

STEVE KEIM: You guys know who I am, right?

ARPAIO4EVR: According to your driver’s license you’re Steve Keim.

STEVE KEIM: That’s right.  I’m [hic] security director for the Cardinals.

MLK_NO_WAY: Oh, in that case…[takes out handcuffs]

ARPAIO4EVR: You shouldn’t have said that, man.

STEVE KEIM: What’s wrong with…

MLK_NO_WAY: [slaps the cuffs on] We’re Cowboys fans.

ARPAIO4EVR frowns as he’s distracted by something. 

ARPAIO4EVR: Hey, what’s that sound?

MLK_NO_WAY: [glances back at the vehicle] It’s the radio.  It’s still on.

ARPAIO4EVR: Well I’ll be damned.  Turn it up, man.  It’s time for Jimmy and The Animal.

MLK_NO_WAY leans into the vehicle and cranks up the volume.

PRODUCER: …and special thanks to Justin Blackmon for his, um, efforts today.  Keep fighting that fight, Justin.  Next up is Jimmy and the Animal who are just dying to tell you their thoughts on the latest in the anthem controversy, but we’ll close things out here on Request Line with some final thoughts on our topic of “crippling alcoholism” by Sincere Engineer.  Over and out.

Editor’s Note: Today’s theme is “crippling alcoholism” – no party songs here; we’re talking the dark side of things.  In order to have videos appear in comments, you don’t have to mess around with embed codes or anything, just post plain links as such: “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b002eR00lz”.  When you hit refresh it should show up as embedded and you can rock out at your leisure. If your link doesn’t pick up, an admin will try to help out.

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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Bogdanski
Bogdanski

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TQbUYOSVu8A
But, as per usual, my links don’t show up. And I’m not even drunk. Oh well.

Bogdanski
Bogdanski

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WtZDxzlGbN4
Way to late but if I know anything it’s music and alcoholism.

Gratliff

Gratliff

Gratliff

My experiences with it are entirely dealing with it in other people, so everything is extra sad.

Gratliff

Bah. Won’t let me edit it. Was meant to be this.

Gratliff

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

[Shot of an interior burned out factory floor room with a man sleeping soundly on a large piece of plywood. A door at the far end opens slowly with a creek and a shadowy figure enters, carrying two large brown paper bags. He moves stealthily through the room until he finds a metal folding chair, takes a seat and a small hissing sound is heard as he reaches into one of the bags. The sleeping man stirs at the sound, but doesn’t wake up, eliciting a small sigh of relief from the man sitting, who holds the bag to his face for a minute. He then reaches for the second bag as one of the rusted legs gives out on his chair, causing him to crash to the ground and the other man to bolt upright and start swinging a tire iron wildly in front of him.]

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TODD MARINOVICH: YOU’RE NOT GETTING MY OTHER KIDNEY, YOU RAT-FACED BASTARDS! I’LL BEAT YOU LIKE I BEAT THE ’92 BILLS!

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RYAN LEAF: TODD! Todd, it’s just me.

MARINOVICH: [Dropping the tire iron with a loud clank] Jesus CHRIST, Ryan. You scared me half to death!

LEAF: Sorry, sorry. Tripped over that damn chair. [Slyly pushes the first bag aside and out of view] I had a pretty good day today, but, uh, only enough for one. [Holds up the second bag] Wanna split it?

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

SonOfSpam

Night, gents, Gonna sleep for the first time in about 36 hours.

And I’ll see the Tower of London tomorrow. Jewels and ghosts and whatnot.

Have a bitchin weekend.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“I’m not allowed to. [Sighs] Court order.”

— Michael Vick

SonOfSpam

I mean come on

SonOfSpam

And look…it’s been done, but there’s no way I should be getting this song at this point in the draft.

SonOfSpam

Hey guys, greeting from across the pond. Traveling on a red-eye over the Atlantic in coach sucks all the dicks. Especially when you’re big and fat!

Anyway…Axl likes good wine.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

King Hippo

To my knowledge, this is the only YouTube video where I have the top/most favoured comment. Chan: …and I will drink myself to death…

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

You have the same avatar/name across different media platforms?

That’s good brand management, son!

King Hippo

Thank goodness ain’t nobody took this one somehow. It does sound so soothing to mix a gin and sink into oblivion…