Hi everyone!  Normally, Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Jerk Joke Jambaroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season.  But apparently Drew is on injured reserve, so they asked me, Nathan Peterman, to fill in for him.  Don’t worry, Drew.  I got this.

My microwave broke yesterday evening.  I was heating up a bowl of ramen and it just made a crazy buzzing sound and then the electricity conked out completely.  I just stood there and stared at it for a while, until my wife Morgan poked me in the ribs and asked what that electrical smell was.  I told her I didn’t know.  She asked why I was staring at the microwave, and wondered if maybe something was wrong with it.  “Oh, right, the microwave!” I said, and explained to her what had happened.  “It’s probably a blown fuse,” she muttered, and asked me what I was going to do about it.  I said I wasn’t sure.  I didn’t really know that microwaves were things that could break.  Or be fixed, for that matter.  So anyways, I…

Man, this is harder than it looks.  Let’s talk about football.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Ten Throwgasms

Jaguars at Potatoes: Both of these teams are absolutely dominating the headlines right now, so it should be fascinating to see what happens when they take each other on.  I’m a big fan of Blake Bortles and I think he’s absolutely lived up to the recent contract he signed.  I guarantee he’s going to be slinging the rock in Jacksonville for many years to come.

Lions at Buffaloes: When they gave me my pink slip in Buffalo, I told them they weren’t going to be able to win without me.  I kind of regret saying it, because they immediately won their next game against the Jaguars.  At any rate, this is another game that is must-see-TV because it features two of the animal kingdom’s most fearsome beasts: the ferocious lion and the unstoppable bill.

π Throwgasms

Cowboys at Colts: They sell something called a “crossaint loaf” at a little bakery near my place.  They only make two or three a day because apparently it’s a lot of work to make one, and if you try to get one on the weekend, you can forget it.  Not long ago Morgan and I started watching the Great British

Seahawks at 49ers: without knowing whether or not I was going to be able to

Raiders at Bengals: I think hiring Hue Jackson would be a brilliant move for the Bengals to make at the end of the season.  There’s nothing more valuable for an NFL head coach than experience, and Hue has lots of it.

One Throwgasms

Cherokees at Electrical Sockets: It’s rare that Thursday night – especially late in the season – plays host to such an interesting and important matchup.  The Cherokees can clinch a first round bye with a win, while a win by the Electrical Sockets guarantees them a playoff spot.  Patrick “Rollin’ With” Mahomes (ha ha! get it?) and I were actually in the same draft class. I wasn’t allowed to speak to him, but apparently his voice sounds like a frog!

So that’s it for the games.

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

The Ballad of Gus Frerotte!  Ha ha, amirite?  No, seriously, here’s a song that I enjoy, and find pretty motivational.

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

I’m not really into politics, so I’m going to skip this section.

Cryptkeeper Al Davis Lock Of The Week: Titans -5.5

Ahh!  Zombies?  No thanks!  Moving on…

Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

When you think about it, pretty much every player in the NFL – that lives beyond the age of fifty – is going to die a slow, painful death.  What with the injuries, withdrawal symptoms from NFL-issued drugs, and the CTE and all.  In some ways, I feel lucky that my career is going to be but a bright flash.

Bad Local Commercial Of The Week!

[is unable to locate youtube, has to scrap feature]

Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2018 chopping block:

Hue Jackson – FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike McCarthy – FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vance Joseph

Adam Gase*

Dirk Koetter*

Matt Patricia

Jay Gruden

Steve Wilks

Doug Marrone

Todd Bowles****

Dan Quinn

Marvin Lewis

Ron Rivera

(*potential midseason firing)

It seems worth mentioning that the Vikings unloaded their offensive coordinator John DeFilippo last week.  I guess some teams were considering him for a head coaching position at the beginning of last year, so now they’re probably even more interested now that he’s available!  Don’t sleep on Hue Jackson, though, he’s available too.

Okay, That’s Enough of This

I thought maybe this would be a cheerful and fun way of expressing our best wishes to Drew, but it actually feels awful and is getting worse each line I write.  Drew has been a tremendous inspiration to us – this site wouldn’t exist without the work he and others did over at KissingSuzyKolber – and I can only hope that outpouring of support from around the web is helping him smile a bit as he heals.  Get well soon, Drew.