Your “Shall I Compare These Games To A Summer’s Day?” Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

Naw, I don’t think so-it’s already been done by Shakey The Sphere and that was some time ago. Let’s compare each of these games (many of which are…hold onto your barnacles…completely irrelevant!) to say, an offering at a buffet-style restaurant or a meal/snack I enjoyed as a child.

What’s that? Did you just mutter, “I came to this site to read about all the win/lose scenarios and how dizzying it all is and also cogent analysis of the games and the why’s and wherefore’s and suchlike”. Buddy, (or skirt-whatever-you do you) did you come to the wrong end of the net. Scoot back to one of the mainstream sites where former players and mathematicians reside. You’ll feel safer there.

TO THE BUFFET! Damn, let’s try that again.

TO THE GAMES!

Fins/Bills:

Hey look-it’s the mashed potatoes! There’s not a single lump, so creamy. IT’S BECAUSE THEY WERE POURED OUT OF A TIN. They’re fake just like everything’s fake. [puts small amount of mashed taters on plate]

Lions/Packers:

This sides table seems to go on forever. Hey, beans! Good old beans. They keep you as regular as Detroit acquiescing to the Packers’ will year after year. (I’ve no idea what their history is, it just feels right to type it).

Jets/Pats:

Everybody loves the carving station! Look at that monstrous hip of beef from that 30+ month steer. Impressive. And that dude with the face tattoo in the chef’s hat? Probably the only place he could wield a knife that size without children crying at the sight.

Panthers/Saints:

Whoa! Check out the breasts on [clears throat] the steam table. Looks as though they’re slathered with some sort of high-fructose honey-garlic solution. Yummers!

Cowboys/Giants:

Okay, I’m not going to lie-this plate is getting a bit heavy. Hmm, something light is what I need. I believe I’ll take a single deviled egg. Ah, what the hell, I’ll grab two. [immediately makes plans to ‘Dutch Oven’ the wife later on]

Falcons/Bucs:

Soooo, what’s missing? Sides? Check. Protein? Check. Ah! Something to drink-a carbonated beverage is just the thing to wash this down. After all, this wait staff has to do something and I haven’t seen Braden in a while. Or was it Jaden? Aiden? Pretty sure it ended with an ‘n’.

Jags/Texans:

I couldn’t be more stuffed! But I didn’t pay $29.99 to walk out of here without some sort of dessert lodged in my lower intestine. Perhaps you can figure this out for me. I hate date squares but I always grab one because I feel sorry for them. There’s always plenty of them because I think most folks feel the way I do and just walk on by. Not me, I’ll put one on my plate so that it has company with things that actually taste good. And no, I’m not going to eat it. That stuff is vile.

Enjoy the offerings before you.

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King Hippo

they don’t even have Cooper Rush take the kneel-downs

Spur
Spur

And Eli was never seen again.

Horatio Cornblower

Next year we get to watch his friends spend 16 weeks trying to get him out of the Upside Down.

rockingdog
rockingdog

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Horatio Cornblower

Come on Giants, just end this game with a 75 yard FG attempt. Why not?

Spur
Spur

Eli does know it’s 4th Quarter?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

of his career.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

One of the TVs here doesn’t show blue for some reason so it makes this Giants Cowboys game really unsettling looking

King Hippo

Falcons also draft after Donks WOO!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

lol

Spur
Spur

Eli’s Last Gasp.
This should be fun.

rockingdog
rockingdog

is eli gonna be in the league next year?

Horatio Cornblower

I think he aged out, and has to move up to Pony League baseball now.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s what happens if he goes in the water too soon after lunch.

rockingdog
rockingdog

that was cool!

Spur
Spur

That’s how you do it. Good job Princeton.

Redshirt

Time for Eli’s Last Stand!!!!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Well shit that was fun

Horatio Cornblower

THE COWBOYS WIN THE PENNANT!!! THE COWBOYS WIN THE PENNANT!!!

Gratliff

Gonna lose on a Giants-record long field goal.

Horatio Cornblower

Could’ve happened.