Quick Picks in the Underworld

Even if it’s the day of The Big Game ©®™, that doesn’t mean we can’t have last-second picks, right? And it just so happens that due to busy-ness I haven’t come calling to visit Hades. I missed the Professional Bowl party this year and everything because I was working!

So without further ado, here are some picks:

Hades, god of the underworld: Hmm, I think it’ll be a good game, but I think give me New England, 27-20.

Cerberus: Bark! Woof! Ruff!

Hades: I think he misses his buddy, when are you free?

Senor: I’m not totally sure, they work me hard. I got stories to tell you.

Persephone, goddess of vegetation and queen of the underworld: On the other hand, I’m going to take the Rams, let’s say, 31-28? There’ll be points to be had for both sides, I think.

We don’t just have those two. We have a word count here after all!

Sisyphus, king of Ephyra: Like last year, I will take the Patriots, who continue to cheat the inexorable march of time, where the Fates have not managed to cut the threads of this dynasty. I like the touch of believing that they are the underdogs, as who in their right mind would consider them such after all this time? I say the final is 31-17.

Prometheus, the titan who gave the world fire: May there be the light of a new dynasty, because gods know we need a new one. I pick the Rams, 432-190.

Senor: Uh, Prometheus, you do know that most games teams score somewhere in the 20s and 30s, right?

Hades: Well, clearly he doesn’t. Plus shouldn’t he have an eagle on him? (He whistles.)

Prometheus: 43-19, then. As long as it’s not those same… AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Hades: He’s a bit tied up for now, do you want to call him back?

Senor: No, I got the score, even if he has no idea about how scoring works. So, I got a score. Plus, everyone loves hearing other people get attacked by eagles, as long as it’s not us!

Hades: Thank goodness someone came up with a word for it. Hang on, deities are coming over, I’m hosting the Underworld Super Bowl party. In the meantime, here’s Hel.

Hel, Norse goddess of death: Greetings, human. Hades says you are a friend of his, so I will aid your article. Know this though. Death has no friends, only designs, and friend of the keeper of death or not, it will come for you all the same. With that, I take the team from the land of the angels, by a final tally of 4 scores to 3 and a goal. Death will even come for the seemingly timeless.

Senor: Okay, 28-24 Rams.

Osiris, Egyptian god of the afterlife and rebirth: But from death comes life, a cycle of renewal and rebirth, for eternity. Mortal, I choose the New England, 31 tallies to 20.

Mictlāntēcutli, Aztec god of death and the underworld: This game sucks. Everyone’s alive after it!

Senor: Actually I was wondering, did they sacrifice the losing team or the winning team?

Mictlāntēcutli: Yes. Either way, this ball game needs more sacrifice so I don’t care who wins or loses.

Senor: How about repeated-trauma-induced brain injuries, will that suffice?

Mictlāntēcutli: No, that’s just depressing. How could anybody watch something like that?

Hades: Bread and circuses, Mickey, have a beer. Anyway Senor, hope that helps. It seems like we’re kind of split about who’s going to win. You?

Senor: Oh, we can’t have nice things. P*ts win in a romp, I’ll say 37-17.