Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

Don T

Don T

Poor choices, mixed results.
¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre!
Titans4Eva
Don T

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The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. 🚬. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

Don T
Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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BrettFavresColonoscopyMoose -The End Is Well NighJust Lurkingyeah rightUnsurprised Recent comment authors
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Just Lurking
Just Lurking

I love Sunday Gravy.
I love recreating those recipes while listening to old school metal.
Its like the chef/teacher is in the kitchen with me…and hes in charge of the playlist.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did you mean to reply?

Also; agreed.

yeah right

I just wanted to take a second to say.

I love you sick twisted fucks.

So very much.

You’re why I make Sunday Gravy.

You and you alone.

I’ve got some work to do.
Where’s my kitchen at?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Respect the giant black cock or suffer the consequences.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Hey all.

I’m alive. I guess I took the joke a little too far. Sorry about that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Peggy Lee nails it.

Beerguyrob

BTW, nice jorb on the thread everyone, with an additional round to don_t for setting it up.

I think the reason we got to 2300+ comments last year was because the final 800 or so were just happiness at the Pats schadenfreude.

litre_cola

So, not Iggles love?

Beerguyrob

A little, but I think more relief that we didn’t go through what we’re all dealing with tonight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Personally, I was both glad they got one and was all schadenfreude-ie. It can be both.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Col. Duke LaCross

Plus, who doesn’t love a good, old-fashioned sports-riot?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Still want some cookies.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

NEVER FORGET
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Petronel

Jesus, Gronk is tripping balls

Senor Weaselo

So Sunday?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

So the lady on the TV just spoke of “disappointed Rams fans.” I would hazard a guess that there are probably a lot more “disappointed Patriots haters” across the land than “disappointed Rams fans.”

Beerguyrob

More like “reticent Lakers fans going back to the fold now that the Rams lost”.

ballsofsteelandfury

THIS! 😂🤣😂

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m surprised they….. “rebelled”…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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In the land of Trump this fits right in.

WCS

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I wish they would stop calling LaDainian Tomlinson “LT” on the NFL Network shows. There’s only one LT (he turns 60 tomorrow!).comment image

litre_cola

Do both like underage ladies of the night?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Or white powder?

Beerguyrob

Just announced – Raiders to play in San Francisco at the Giants stadium in 2019. News released after the game ended.

Beerguyrob
Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Must be Army Corps of Engineers managing the construction contract on the Las Vegas stadium.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Managed by the VA.

Wakezilla

Las Vegas Raiders of Oakland of San Francisco.

Has a nice ring to it

Just Lurking
Just Lurking

Easy flights for me from the northwest
2hrs to SF

litre_cola

Lurk no longer.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

At least someone will be playing NFL football in SF

Senor Weaselo

From one baseball stadium to another!

Fronkenshteen

Sports are a fucking bummer now. Dead black horizon, too.

ballsofsteelandfury

You need to get into AFL. As a new dad you’ll be up at all kinds of late hours anyways. This sport is perfect for you!

Fronkenshteen

network?

litre_cola

Become a Saints fan. St. Kilda is the best suburb.

ballsofsteelandfury

Fox Soccer Plus or you can watch online on the Watch AFL app. It’s $150 for nine months’ worth of solid entertainment. Every game of AFL, AFL preseason, AFL Women’s, and the AFLX tournament is LIVE. Plus, full game replays.

And I haven’t even mentioned the Australian commercials. You’ll never visit McDonald’s without calling it Macca’s ever again.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think my GWS membership cost me like $85 or something when you adjust from fake money. Unlimited online access plus a hat.

Never underestimate the power of a free hat.

WCS

Balls speaks the truth.

WCS

Just wait when the Penguins win the Stanley Cup.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

We’ll always have Sexy Friday?

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Petronel

Just back from viewing the game with Mr. Nel at the in-laws’ place (they are wonderful, fun people, so it was a pleasure).

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

That is all.

WCS

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Meh, we could have expected this.

Sharkbait

Local CBS is interviewing kids who have been to multiple super bowl games. I hate all of these kids.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I already ordered my shirt. I suppose that it’s telling that 7 minutes after the game was over, all the XXXLs (that’s 3XL) were sold out.
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Senor Weaselo

If it was the Colts there would be plenty. But 4XL and up would be sold out.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Beerguyrob

It’s quite apropos that my wife has now switched to watching “Misery “.

scotchnaut

My fave part is when Bernard Pollard breaks James Caan’s leg.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I watched my first Super Bowl, Namath vs Colts, in early 1969 on one of these:comment image
(also watched the moon landing on the same TV later that summer)
I haven’t seen every SB since then due to various circumstances, mostly related to the military, but this one ranks right up there with the most boring SBs I’ve ever seen. At least the blowouts had some scoring.
Glad to see the Tedi Bruschi jersey still has it’s mojo, though.

Beerguyrob

Congratulations on avoiding getting cancer from the old tubes.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

So far, anyway. I’m still waiting on something to pop up where I wore my radium -painted wristwatch.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It would make sense that AC at least produced some decent image macros.

scotchnaut

The few black Pats players that choose to go to the White House run the very real risk of seeing nothing but fried chicken and watermelon at the lunch buffet.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Collard greens, too. They need their veggies!

—Fuzzy Zoeller

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

So…what’d I miss?
(Asks Alexa for the score)
Nothing, eh?

Fronkenshteen

I turned the game off in the first q when Brady got strip sacked and (of course) the pats recovered. Fuck happened? Rams couldn’t move the ball at all?

hippofant
hippofant

Yeah. Pretty much. McVay couldn’t completely outscheme Bellichik, and Goff just wasn’t good enough to overcome.

Bellichik really made Goff look inexperienced. Locked onto receivers. Couldn’t make his progressions fast enough. Couldn’t buy time. Couldn’t make the checks at the line.

hippofant
hippofant

The Rams had some luck with the run, but the Patriots just started keying on it, and the Rams’ receivers weren’t good enough to beat their coverage/Goff wasn’t good enough to fit the balls in consistently.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Pats don’t always recover those fumbles…comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Gratliff

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Fronkenshteen

FUCK TOMB?!?! I THOUGHT THEY CLOSED THAT PLACE DOWN!!

Senor Weaselo

No, that was Sex Cauldron.

Gratliff
Game Time Decision

Looking forward to the scams involving this crap to be in my email shortly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There is no better decision I have made in my life than selling my bitcoin at like 18k or so.

Senor Weaselo

So are we doing AAF open threads?

Beerguyrob

At least for the first week, I hope.

Beerguyrob

I’ve declared nfl.com a spam site for email purposes for the next week, because I’ve already received four “Get your Patriots Super Bowl LIII vitory gear” emails.

Horatio Cornblower

“Julian, do you think missing the first four games due to a PED suspension left you fresher at the end of this year and helped you become one of the most fraudulent Super Bowl MVPs of modern times?”

herodotus450
herodotus450

“Naw, it was probably all the new, undetectable steroids I took throughout the season that kept me fresh.”

blaxabbath

This.

My wife was asking me about Bradybas we walked our kid yesterday. I spent two miles ranting about how a situation that walks like a cheater and quacks like a cheater is only not a duck because the NFL’s media partners find it easier to just sell the “Brady is the NFL’s Jordan” than to actually consider the facts.

But we’re way beyond pointing out that nuance is completely lost on all US media.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Time for a pint or two.

Horatio Cornblower

Time for a(nother) pint or two.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Time for a(nother) pint or two.

Redshirt

To be honest, you can’t fault the Rams defense. They held the Patriots to 13 points with no help or rest from their offense. If you hold any team to 13 points, you’re supposed to win.

blaxabbath

I think so much of Wade Phillips.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Who gets Jim Nantz’s tie?

Beerguyrob

David Carradine’s widow.

Horatio Cornblower

This comment left me really choked up.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

— Michael Hutchence

herodotus450
herodotus450

“His what?”
-Donovan M.

blaxabbath

“My neck is already decorated.”

-A Hernandez

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