The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.
Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.
If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.
Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?
Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]
It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.
[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]
Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and
Via giphy.com
It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.
Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.
For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.
More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business. But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.
The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?
Via giphy.com
I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose, Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.
But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.
Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.
LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!
🙁
The Bengals newest head coach only mustered 3 points and was responsbile for the QB who looked like a freshman walk-on at times.
At least I got the Reds and FC Cincy to distract me.
Sonny Gray is fucking awesome, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
I’ll say this. If the Reds don’t do better this season, it won’t be for lack of trying. Plus all the picks seems to be clear additions.
Here’s hoping the Pats start next season with Kraft’s initials on their helmet
They’ll be happy to refer to him by his nickname, “Kaptain,” with a ‘k’ instead of Robert.
What about King Kaptain Kraft?
Oh shit, you just reminded me of another reason I hate the Pats. They were the only team to take Sean Taylor’s number off after just one game. Most other teams wore it through the season.
A DJT would be fine too.
Kraft refusing to even acknowledge Goodell is a silver lining in this very, very, very, very dark cloud.
A sneak peek at tomorrow’s front page:
“Every team needs to get a guy like Sean McVay!” – Every sports writer prior to 6:30 PM EST
Honestly, the world is probably better off with fewer good football coaches. The intersection rate for ‘good football coach’ and ‘good person’ is zero
Mumble it Emitt, mumble it
Joe Namath is going to drink that trophy.
Wow. Way to end the thread strong from Calvadosthemdave, Horatio, and Herodotus, unlike Rammmmmmit.
Ah, the first time a Cowboy has touched the lombardi in 24 years
/shakes fist with impotent rage
Masshole wives can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that their eventual beating will be delayed by at least one day.
Downside—birthrate in NE spikes first week of October.
The NFL trying to make that piece of shit Lombardi trophy the equivalent of the Stanley Cup will never not be hilarious.
IT’s the ONE thing the NHL has. Just fucking let them have it.
The NHL definitely has that right. Give the trophy to the players.
Well, they have a real shithead as a commissioner too.
What about booing the commissioner at every opportunity?
It was whole 98 days since Boston won a title. I am not going to give my punchline to this as it’s too fucked up even for this site.
I have no problem with the title frequency so long as they have a garbage can bombing between each one.
Josh Gordon gets a ring, y’all.
Good for him, though I fear it’s too small to make a proper bowl of.
We deserve this for being Rams fans for a day. Fuck this league. Fuck this sport! I WILL NEVER WATCH THIS SHIT AGAIN1!!!
So I’ll see everyone at the NFL Draft?
Already drafting the preview.
Coaching carousel fires back up tomorrow!
That game was such an abortion the Supreme Court is going to prohibit it tomorrow.
“So much debate about where Julian Edelman belongs”
Prison.
“I’ll tell you where he doesn’t belong…”
-Hamas
Holy shit. This exchange belongs on the banner. And all credit to Herodotus.
I look forward to Roger Goodell busting out his kneepads for “Mr. Kraft” and us enjoying more off-season content than NFL nuggets.
WHen does Ally McBeal show up to yell at Indy for being mean to his stupid dog?
We are going to unwind by watching some Project Runway. I wish I’d done this the whole time.
True Detective time.
The gang burns down philly because fuck it
Could one tell the difference?
Tracy got thrown to the wolves.
I am legitimately concerned for her well-being. She’s shorter than everybody else down there.
I’m sure she can just burrow out, like a…well, you know, like a…
Look, don;t make me say it, OK?
Where is this weird ass audio coming from? It’s the best part of the game so far
Please crush Tom Brady in that pile.
What the fuck is going on down there? Jesus Christ.
“And now, an embrace with Julian Edelman, during which embrace they will take the opportunity to casually discard some suspicious vials beneath the feet of the encroaching media scrum, as is their tradition.”
I will respect Brady if he starts hitting those vulture media fucks
I think he was about to for a second. I think they crushed a security person and a reporter. Plus, for a second I thought the Pats owner was having a heart attack but we can’t have nice things.
Eat shit and die
Following up the most entertaining Super Bowl of all time that ended with my favorite team winning by a 4 hour display of the worst football derp of a season ending with the most hated team in professional sports winning. That’s a pretty fucking drastic dropoff right there.
America since the 2008 election.
Time to drive drunk af
Please do not do this.
He needs to have a car first.
Absolutely please do not do this.
Eh, what have you got to lose?
He’s not one of your hobos, Scotchy!!!
Call Uber or a Taxi. Or find a homeless person and let him drive you home.
I also say please do not do this.
I remember when I liked football. I was young back then and the world was full of possibilities.
Then we got older and it turns out the 80s and 90s sucked ass
Fuck your “we’re the underdog” bullshit Tom Brady, I manage to hate you more than David Ortiz, I’d tell you to fuck off and die but you deserve to suffer a Sarlaccian death.
But hey, Madre Weaselo made $750 today.
It’s because the produce has corn syrup in it!
Fuck everything.
I’m gonna get shitty.
Looking to catch up with everything else in the world, eh?
I liked the ending of The Last Journeyman better.
We deserve this.
Fucking pitch perfect
FUCK AAND YES!!!!!!!
-Blair Walsh
**DANCING ON ALL YOUR FUCKING GRAVES**
YAAAAASSS
You just said that, masshole.
SHANKLOR!!!
The Saints would have won this game by 35.
Where was this offense the rest of the goddamn game?
WOOOOOOHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!
And Zeurlein puts us out of our misery.
Just to fuck with everybody’s squares.
I WANT A SEVENTH SUPER BOWL. LET IT BE SO.
Gronkowski is going to retire or get let go after this season, and Brady, despite all his “play until I’m 45” bullshit, may well walk away as well.
I wish you luck.
Careful, Icarus.
That was the worst pass I’ve ever seen
Wait until his next one.