Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

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Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Mother Puncher

Hard to hear at the bar. I assume the Pats fans are booing John Lewis?

Gratliff

FUcking shit. TWO captains from now on.

Dolph Ucker

Figured Andrew Young would be there. A little surprised at Lewis.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Who let a kid on the field? Oh wait that’s James White.

Gratliff

NFL out here co-opting MLK like it’s FBI Twitter in January

Spur

MLK would have taken a knee.

The Maestro

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ FOLKS

WHO’S READY TO GET ANGRY AND DRUNK

Spur

No wardrobe malfunctions leaves the GILF community sad and flaccid.

herodotus450

Also the state they would be in if there had been a malfunction. The flaccid part at least.

Mother Puncher

This is the Ready player one of Wal mart commercials

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What ya drinkin’? I’m having Cuba Librés.

Mother Puncher

Haven’t drank for most of January, so leftover Christmas ale

Doktor Zymm

I’m going with Cuba Oprimidos

Brocky

That’s okay fans, its not like we can yell you’re cheering more for certain players when they’re shown on screen

WCS

Fuck.

/gin bottle flies open

Spur

Paper Boi couldnt have sung this?

Dolph Ucker

Not bad for a 95 year-old

Gatoraids

Everytime Gronk hears the national anthem it’s like for the first time

SonOfSpam

Same with seeing letters and numbers.

herodotus450

Under one minute?

SonOfSpam

SO, WHAT’RE YOU, A PORN STAR???

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Not until I retire…” – Gronk

Gratliff

Krassassassenstein with the worst tweet ever written.
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SonOfSpam

Like…I agree with most of their sentiments, but I still want them fired into the sun.

Horatio Cornblower

I will shake their hands and thank them for their service just before firing the cannon.

Mother Puncher

Nice of Burkhead to wear his formal skinhead for the event

King Hippo

In Colombia, the side named Patriotas are down 0-1. I take this as a good sign.

Ian Scott McCormick

Saw a guy wearing a “Make The Jets Great Again” hat
Again?

Brocky

They were good in 68.

You know. Before the civil rights act.

Brocky

And i legit forgot the act was in 64. What happened in 1969 other than the moon landing?

Ian Scott McCormick

Mouth stuff mostly

clint greasewood

WHERE ARE THE SALMON SISTERS?

Gatoraids

Playa tribute to Sherman and burn the Patriots bench to the ground

Dolph Ucker

JOINT service. Yes please.

Dolph Ucker

Holee shit. How many national anthems do one country need? And why ain’t one of them Twist and Shout?

herodotus450

Kenny Loggins’ step cousin doing the signing.

Spur

These girls look CGI

herodotus450

I don’t think you’re allowed to them them C Gs anymore

SonOfSpam

They are sisters. Also, they are sisters.

King Hippo
herodotus450

On mute but I see people singing. Is this the pre-national anthem?

Gratliff

Correct

SonOfSpam

They’re singing “America, Fuck Yeah!”

Spur

Thomas Jefferson approves.

SonOfSpam

Rams gonna win. I’m gonna win money as a result. It is written.

Gratliff

Oh, shit look, they got ???????????? to play the super bowl

yeah right

yeah right reporting for duty SIR!

clint greasewood

I see Marshawn Lynch wore is good backpack to the ceremony.

Spur

Let’s honor America by locking up the GOP.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Over/under on the number of Andy Reid teeth marks in that Walter Payton statue that looks like it’s made out of chocolate?

Spur

JJ Watt is a stand up dude.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s no Ryan Shazier, that is for sure.

SonOfSpam

Holy shit. (I mean, Darryl Stingley was right there)

Gratliff

GO BIRDS

Horatio Cornblower

Welp, let’s just say Hector didn’t cover the spread.

clint greasewood

If the Rams win do they get gold accents on their jerseys next year?

Horatio Cornblower

JUST FUCKING SHOOT HIM, HECTOR!!

Spur

– El Chapo

Gratliff

Rams by 50

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Gotta say, very weird to watch the Owl on Pacific Time. Looking forward to postgame consciousness though.

Spur

Best Coast

Gratliff

boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Horatio Cornblower

Hector is about to fight Achilles in ‘Troy’ on Fox.

Gonna take Achilles and the points on that one.

Spur

Romo took some nose candy. Dude is UP for this game.

Spur

Damn young people trying to force out the old people.

King Hippo

Plus, if it looks like a P*ts win, we can always hope that McVay just blows up Megatron’s Butthole.

Spur

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herodotus450

Guh, CBS? Like I need another reason not to watch.

Spur

Who’s playing next week? This match-up kinda blows.

Spur

I’m just here for Maroon 5.

Gratliff

Should be a stipulation that whichever team loses has to send its owner to the guillotine. Should be another stipulation that the winning team do the same.

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