Latest posts by Ian Scott McCormick (see all)
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We go now to a message from LA Rams Head Coach, Sean McVay
Good afternoon, America. I’m 33 years old.
Last Sunday, millions of people from around the world gathered to watch Super Bowl 53 where Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the rest of the New England Patriots defeated our LA Rams. For Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, it represented their historic and unprecedented sixth championship in New England, and for that we offer our full congratulations, and deepest respects. The Patriots played their best, and while we would certainly love to be the ones standing atop a motorcade of floats being cheered on by our adoring fans, for this year, the Patriots will once again do the honors.
But while we respect the process with which they were crowned champions, we have a different vision for America. We see a new way, where teams can win by having fun, and cool young head coaches who were only legally allowed admission into bars and night clubs in 2007, are being given the Hollywood treatment. The New England Patriots are six time champions, and undoubtedly great, but is this really good for America? We say no. Viewership was down to it’s lowest level in years, despite the NFL finally getting it’s precious, precious team in the Los Angeles market, featuring a terrifying defense, a brilliant running back, a young and promising quarterback and the head coach who is often confused for said quarterback’s brother. What could possibly be the cause of this decline in viewership? Could it be the young hotness coming out of Cali? Or could it be that Americans have rightfully grown tired of the New England Patriots?
In the aftermath of last Sunday’s game I have heard nothing but an outpouring of everything that is wrong with the game. I’ve been told that the Super Bowl was “unwatchable” and “terrible” and that people would rather “watch their parents fuck” or “smash their penis with a hammer.” I’ve heard somebody say “Maroon 5’s halftime show was the best part of the Super Bowl. And I once walked in on my wife sleeping with my best friend while Animals played in the background.” Folks, people have literally said that a Bud Light ad might have been the single greatest part of the evening. Just yesterday I was bouncing around on r/Naruto- because I am definitely young enough to watch Naruto on the reg- and I read that somebody had to put their dog to sleep before the game. And as they watched their beloved pets eyes close for the very last time, that moment was still more enjoyable than anything they saw later that evening during the Super Bowl. Folks, the American people have clearly spoken, and the time for change is upon us.
Now how do we get there? Well we get there by respecting the process. I am told that some of our viewers in the greater New Orleans region are upset that the Rams were in the Super Bowl instead of their beloved Saints. In their anger, a few million people have called me and my promising young quarterback “Frauds” and “Total assholes” and that we “Shouldn’t be allowed 30 miles from another Super Bowl.” Apparently some people feel that there was some call that was missed in the big game, which frankly, would be news to me, and that Drew Brees would have managed to score more than 3 points against the Patriots. To that I have to say, this is not a time for division. This is a time to come together to beat the Patriots once and for all. How are we going to do that? With 40 year old quarterback? With Sean Payton? Do you know how old Sean Payton is? He’s 55. Noted Patriots fan Bill Simmons once wrote that head coaches can’t succeed past 55. Is that really who you want charged with the task of taking down a nigh unstoppable super power? A coach who was a full 22 years old when I was born? Do you realize that I can give you a solid 22 years of service before I reach that so old age? What we need is youth, and folks, it doesn’t get any more youthful than an avocado toast eating Millennial holding the clipboard and killing the diamond and real estate industries.
Earlier today the Patriots held a parade to celebrate their sixth championship, but we’re here to remind them that we are not going away. When Tom Brady addresses the crowd and mentions that they’re not going away and Gronkowski inevitably celebrates and mentions how they’re champions and are going to kick ass next year, I’m here to say “Nuh uh.” And that’s why I’m holding my sad, pathetic response. I’ll be sure to give bullet point reasons about why the Patriots suck. Patriot fans will be unmoved, and Patriot haters will already be on board with everything I say, but I’m still going through with this embarrassing farce. Sure it doesn’t have the gravitas of an actual celebration, but it’s cathartic to me and to the people who really, really hate those douchebags, and by legitimizing it, allows us all to delude ourselves about whether the bad guys really won the important thing. Maybe there are no real champions. Maybe there are just two competing ideologies, and no matter what happens, neither side will ever have to admit something as basic as the other guys are in power and that rather than simply opposing that, your low energy podcast is just as meaningful as their broad declarations before the entire world. And maybe you’ll say that I should really just get to work and come up with better ways of beating my opposition, instead of trying and failing to get into a grandstanding competition against a bunch of belligerent fans for the other team. But that would mean accepting the reality that we lost and coming to terms with our own failings in the big moment. And I, Sean McVay, am not ready to do that. So I’m creating participation trophies- because that’s how young I am, everybody from my generation gets a participation trophy-for all of our players. They’re miniature Lombardi Trophies. Because in my heart, they’re all champions too.
Thank you, and God Bless Football.