The Los Angeles Rams Rebuttal To The New England Patriots Championship Rally

Ian Scott McCormick

Ian Scott McCormick

Ian is a New Yorker, a father, a husband, a sports fan. He covers a variety of subjects but really only appreciates burgers and cola.
Ian Scott McCormick

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We go now to a message from LA Rams Head Coach, Sean McVay

Good afternoon, America. I’m 33 years old.

Last Sunday, millions of people from around the world gathered to watch Super Bowl 53 where Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the rest of the New England Patriots defeated our LA Rams. For Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, it represented their historic and unprecedented sixth championship in New England, and for that we offer our full congratulations, and deepest respects. The Patriots played their best, and while we would certainly love to be the ones standing atop a motorcade of floats being cheered on by our adoring fans, for this year, the Patriots will once again do the honors.

But while we respect the process with which they were crowned champions, we have a different vision for America. We see a new way, where teams can win by having fun, and cool young head coaches who were only legally allowed admission into bars and night clubs in 2007, are being given the Hollywood treatment. The New England Patriots are six time champions, and undoubtedly great, but is this really good for America? We say no. Viewership was down to it’s lowest level in years, despite the NFL finally getting it’s precious, precious team in the Los Angeles market, featuring a terrifying defense, a brilliant running back, a young and promising quarterback and the head coach who is often confused for said quarterback’s brother. What could possibly be the cause of this decline in viewership? Could it be the young hotness coming out of Cali? Or could it be that Americans have rightfully grown tired of the New England Patriots?

In the aftermath of last Sunday’s game I have heard nothing but an outpouring of everything that is wrong with the game. I’ve been told that the Super Bowl was “unwatchable” and “terrible” and that people would rather “watch their parents fuck” or “smash their penis with a hammer.” I’ve heard somebody say “Maroon 5’s halftime show was the best part of the Super Bowl. And I once walked in on my wife sleeping with my best friend while Animals played in the background.” Folks, people have literally said that a Bud Light ad might have been the single greatest part of the evening. Just yesterday I was bouncing around on r/Naruto- because I am definitely young enough to watch Naruto on the reg- and I read that somebody had to put their dog to sleep before the game. And as they watched their beloved pets eyes close for the very last time, that moment was still more enjoyable than anything they saw later that evening during the Super Bowl. Folks, the American people have clearly spoken, and the time for change is upon us.

Now how do we get there? Well we get there by respecting the process. I am told that some of our viewers in the greater New Orleans region are upset that the Rams were in the Super Bowl instead of their beloved Saints. In their anger, a few million people have called me and my promising young quarterback “Frauds” and “Total assholes” and that we “Shouldn’t be allowed 30 miles from another Super Bowl.” Apparently some people feel that there was some call that was missed in the big game, which frankly, would be news to me, and that Drew Brees would have managed to score more than 3 points against the Patriots. To that I have to say, this is not a time for division. This is a time to come together to beat the Patriots once and for all. How are we going to do that? With 40 year old quarterback? With Sean Payton? Do you know how old Sean Payton is? He’s 55. Noted Patriots fan Bill Simmons once wrote that head coaches can’t succeed past 55. Is that really who you want charged with the task of taking down a nigh unstoppable super power? A coach who was a full 22 years old when I was born? Do you realize that I can give you a solid 22 years of service before I reach that so old age? What we need is youth, and folks, it doesn’t get any more youthful than an avocado toast eating Millennial holding the clipboard and killing the diamond and real estate industries.

Earlier today the Patriots held a parade to celebrate their sixth championship, but we’re here to remind them that we are not going away. When Tom Brady addresses the crowd and mentions that they’re not going away and Gronkowski inevitably celebrates and mentions how they’re champions and are going to kick ass next year, I’m here to say “Nuh uh.” And that’s why I’m holding my sad, pathetic response. I’ll be sure to give bullet point reasons about why the Patriots suck. Patriot fans will be unmoved, and Patriot haters will already be on board with everything I say, but I’m still going through with this embarrassing farce. Sure it doesn’t have the gravitas of an actual celebration, but it’s cathartic to me and to the people who really, really hate those douchebags, and by legitimizing it, allows us all to delude ourselves about whether the bad guys really won the important thing. Maybe there are no real champions. Maybe there are just two competing ideologies, and no matter what happens, neither side will ever have to admit something as basic as the other guys are in power and that rather than simply opposing that, your low energy podcast is just as meaningful as their broad declarations before the entire world. And maybe you’ll say that I should really just get to work and come up with better ways of beating my opposition, instead of trying and failing to get into a grandstanding competition against a bunch of belligerent fans for the other team. But that would mean accepting the reality that we lost and coming to terms with our own failings in the big moment. And I, Sean McVay, am not ready to do that. So I’m creating participation trophies- because that’s how young I am, everybody from my generation gets a participation trophy-for all of our players. They’re miniature Lombardi Trophies. Because in my heart, they’re all champions too.

Thank you, and God Bless Football.

Ian Scott McCormick
Ian Scott McCormick
Ian is a New Yorker, a father, a husband, a sports fan. He covers a variety of subjects but really only appreciates burgers and cola.
https://ianscottmccormick.com/
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ballsofsteelandfuryRikki-Tikki-DeadlyLow Commander of the Super SoldiersBrick MeathookMoose -The End Is Well Nigh Recent comment authors
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ballsofsteelandfury

Wow. That was good.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Belichick’s defensive gameplan:

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Whereas if you’re talking about music, “good old rock, nothin’ beats that!” is a perfectly defensible sentiment.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[uses ‘find and replace’ for a few key words, put on sales pitch]

[closes laptop with a “job well done” look on face]

-24 y.o. “independent” using Starbucks’ WiFi

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m still not watching the State of the Union

Sharkbait

Absolutely not.

blaxabbath

Rams are going away. Goff is a completely different QB without protection and he’s losing that offensive line next year. They’ve also got some serious contract questions to address, as is often the case with SB participants. If you want to be in the NFC West and not have an o line, you better either have Russell Wilson as a QB or some globalist that no one will miss getting destroyed every other snap.

I’m afraid this division is defaulting back to Seattle and — shivers — LA is going to have to fight off the Jed York Jeds for a wildcard birth. I think Wade can get them back in the postseason next year. 2020 — not so sure….

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think the O-Line is only half of the battle. If all it took to expose Goff was switching defenses after McVay’s voice was turned off in the headset, that team is fucked.

blaxabbath

If only there was some kind of QB available who had a greater-than-Cal education who might be able to use his analytical mind to disrupt these changes.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Jeff George can still play, man.

–Jason Whitlock, probably

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Now he had a KEEN mind.

blaxabbath

Alternative communication option:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes, because young players and coaches never learn from experience. He’s 24 and started 38 games. Billy boy is one of the best QB confusers/ game planners in the league. Goff may not turn out well and he may figure it out. He had a great year and just condemning him is so fucking internet and simplistic although not surprising in the least. They made it to the fucking superb owl for fuck’s sake. The problem they have is a combination of big and/or short term contracts and player who will need to get paid in the near future.

ballsofsteelandfury

It will be fun to see the Rams slip back into irrelevance.

Beerguyrob

In Vancouver, 33 stands for something better & tastier.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

San Diego too.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Whereas in [wherever Mark Sanchez currently lives], 33 stands for “not interested.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This was terrific but also made me sad. Also, the comparison would be more apt if winning the Super Bowl also meant that Bill Belichick was allowed to appoint all the referees for the following season (which would certainly explain a lot of things, but is not actually happening).