Lucky Trouble is a 2011 Russian RomCom where a rag tag bunch of homeless kids shock the world and become the U12 National Champions of Russia. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. I’m going to check the movie poster.

Yup, that’s a RomCom all right. Anyway, somebody told me to stop reviewing only Soviet movies, and find some good ones from this century. As you can see it stars Milla Jovovich. So you know it’s gonna be good. Of course, lack of soccer imagery aside, the poster does raise a few red flags. Normally big red letters and a white background mean a movie probably isn’t going to be great.

Not the best track record. Does that hold true in Russia though? Yes. It holds true over there. White background and red letters is the kiss of death as far as quality goes. I’m not going to lie to you, I showed my wife two minutes of this movie and she got pretty mad at me for reviewing it. “This is low hanging fruit.” Yeah, well…so? Low hanging fruit is delicious. Ever tried a strawberry? They’re basically on the ground. And more to the point, I really just Googled this crap. Hey, it did make $14MM internationally. It debuted as the #1 movie in Russia, and it opened at #3 in Latvia. And they don’t just watch anything in Latvia, believe me. I’ve since received other suggestions. But I’d already watched this, so here we go.

Meet Kolotilov. He’s in Moscow pitching his novel. And it’s not going well.

I’m not going to lie, the translation in this move sucks. I’d guess that about half of the dialogue is translated, and none of the many things that are written in Cyrillic. So I can’t tell you if they elaborate on his “Nasty” novel that they refuse to publish. How is it nasty exactly? Is it erotica? Is it a critical war game thriller about Putin? Is it Putin erotica? It’s Putin erotica, isn’t it? The novel doesn’t matter, because in a moment this happens.

That sucks. But get this, the driver of the car looks like this.

She could hit me with her car any time, if you catch my drift. By the way, see what I mean about those translations. Did she just say “Hollywood”? Maybe that’s her nickname. “Hollywood’s my name, blowing through red lights is my game.” A few minutes later the local cop and the guy in Milla’s car, Danya, ignore her whole “Do not get up” piece of advice and peel his ass off the street.

No ambulance. No check for broken bones or internal bleeding. Roger Goodell assures us that he’s passed the concussion protocol. We find out that not only is Nadya gorgeous, she’s also pretty damn rich. For all intents and purposes, we’re talking about the actual Milla Jovovich. Attractive, rich, lots of free time. That’s her. The K-Man hits on her, and in a shocking twist, she goes for it. Way to go, buddy.

They go for a ride around town, taking in one of Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich”‘s favorite activities: Not looking at the goddamn road.

Yoooooo. Lady. See that guy with the cast riding shotgun? Unless you’re planning on dating everybody in town, why don’t you practice a little defensive driving. Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” is apparently above the law. Rather than try to keep her body count in check, she’s going to look out the side window and giggle more than Seth Rogan at a Planetarium.

And what could hold her attention and get her to laugh? Well, that’s all part of the K-Man’s master plan to woo her. Evidently, when she wasn’t looking, he hobbled around with a broken leg and just vandalized everything in town, wallpapering it with her name.

Again, this works. Granted, I should mention that this doesn’t have to be for her. Keep in mind that there are only about 10 first names for girls in all of Russia. Nadya, Natasha, Anna, Olga, Tatyana, Marina. Sprinkle in a few Svetlanas and Lyudmilas, and I’ve just given you the first name for 95% of the women living in Moscow. Having said that, Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” loves seeing her goddamn name, apparently. You know, if I found out somebody I’d been dating had done that, I might look at it as a big stop sign. Well, as the opening scene has proven, Nadya does not see stop signs.

Good God, you’re going to kill everybody. We are less than 7 minutes into this movie, and this is your second BMW, you absolute nightmare.

Other than the impending vehicular manslaughter charges, things are going swimmingly. How swimmingly? Well, the K-Man’s crutches seem to be more of a fashion accessory at this point.

Two mirror balls. What a night. Actually that bit with the crutches is a perfect sort of encapsulation for this entire movie. Some crazy stuff is going to happen to the K-Man, but he’s never going to experience any real consequences.

After a week of dating, K-Man has to go back home to… don’t know. Didn’t hear it in the translations, but there are so few translations. The location “Finger” is mentioned later, though I assume that’s a bad translation. Is there any city in the Eastern Bloc that sounds similar to the Russian word for fingers? That’d be my guess. Anyway, our hero makes a play to keep his inexplicable hot streak going and asks her to marry him. She takes off her Super Bowl ring and tosses it over the edge of the skyscraper that they are sitting along, not looking out like romantics enjoying the view, but looking down like psychopaths.

The K-Man heads home to parts unknown. Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” is already trying on dresses.

There is no hesitation. She’s sold. Meanwhile K-Man is wrapping things up at the school where he teaches. The K-Man’s boss Olga, a decent cougar in her own right, seems to be giving him the business over trying to get out.

I’ve gotta say, the new Millennium Russian movies do a pretty hard turn from the realism of Soviet Russia. They seem to understand the Hollywood touch. I don’t think the movie is actually saying that they exist in a universe where every woman is drop dead gorgeous. It’s just saying “Look, we want you to care about whether they hook up or not, and seeing a guy land a five isn’t exactly the way to go about raising the stakes.” The old films were bogged down in realism. But people don’t pay $16 to be told we’re all pretty gross. That’s not to say this movie is better than those old Soviet gems (I’m going to go ahead and assume most Russians agree with that), but it makes a little more internal logic to me the viewer for these people to be attractive. Anyway, in this case we’ve got a reasonably attractive woman who seems to be into him. The sensible thing would be to stay. But she ain’t Milla Jovovich, so the bold, and reckless but fun path is to leave vapor trails. In the end she relents.

And then he gets roped into coaching a U12 soccer team in the national tournament.

Look, I could probably explain how that happened, but would it really help? Would explaining any of this actually help you to understand? You know all you need. He’s set to go to Moscow to marry the actual Milla Jovovich, but instead has a man rip up his passport and demand that he form and coach a team of 12 and under soccer players. Do you really need the play by play. It’s all just wacky nonsense and zany misunderstandings. Because there can be no other way. There isn’t a grounded way of the story insisting that he recruit and coach a youth soccer team for the national championship. This movie shepherds the viewer through a diverse bazaar of absurdity.

He starts his search on accident. A child picks his pocket at the train station, and the K-Man deduces that this kid might be good at a game that doesn’t let you use your hands. As it happens, the boy is friends with other homeless kids, including a pair who immediately run a scam by pretending to be hit by cars. This I get. Flopping. Smart call.

Our hero has to call Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich.” In an interesting development, K-Man is not going to Moscow and planning a wedding, or even unpacking his bags. They’re actually getting married. Right now. And they aren’t eloping. This is a legitimate wedding. Why is this happening so suddenly? Because the movie needs them to do this. Anyway, K-Man has to explain that he’s running late and won’t be there that day.

Of course he doesn’t just tell her the truth about why he’s waylaid. He tells her that he’s really sick. Why does he do this? Because then there isn’t a movie. Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” appears to be one of the most powerful people in Moscow. Had he told her he was coaching some BS team of homeless children in the national tournament, I’m sure she’d have the resources to come see for herself.

Meanwhile Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” gets a really great idea.

Whooooo, two day last minute wedding.

This is Stalin-esque. That this is her solution to the problem is chilling. Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” rules the social lives of everybody around her with an iron fist. Just to be clear, the movie says that this woman threw up a surprise “To Be Continued” at her wedding. Make no mistake, this woman is an actual monster.

Meanwhile, K-Man is resigned to missing the first day. He’s got to coach the kids. During the game he texts her and gets a smile. A smile. After the speech she just had to give to her friends and loved ones? Nyet. There is exactly nyet percent chance that he pulled that off. I’d sooner believe I was getting married to Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich.” So to recap, we have a wealthy, beautiful woman who is completely okay with marrying an extreemly average man after a week of riding shotgun in her BMW of death, is willing to command her guests to return tomorrow for a second helping of their wedding, and gets a smile out of a text. This isn’t even a manic pixie girl at this point. She is a goddamn unicorn.

The kids are predictably losing their soccer game 2-0 at the half. Things are looking up for the K-Man. They’re going to play out the second half, which they will lose, he’ll get back on the train to Moscow, and oh shit…this is a sports movie now, isn’t it? I really did start to think I was watching a RomCom, but the sports movie beats are all there. A guy who doesn’t want to coach. Children with no actual training but tons of moxie. Overwhelming odds that they’re going to fail. When did this movie turn into The Mighty Ducks? Sure enough the orphaned athletes see the photographer and get the idea that if their story goes national, their parents will see them and feel compelled to take them back. So using the power of homelessness, the ragtag misfits shock everybody and win 3-2. And suddenly this movie is about 35% RomCom, and 65% Underdog Sports Movie. I’m as surprised as you are. For what it’s worth, the cougar Olga seems happy about the turn of events.

Later Milla calls and kindly asks him what the hell is up. And because he didn’t just tell her he was railroaded into coaching a youth soccer team, he has to come up with even more BS. Why did you lie, buddy? I’ll remind you that she is literally ready to marry him after ONE WEEK, and he’s nervous that she’ll find out he’s suddenly become a put upon soccer coach. At any point in the movie did she ever say something like “No high level youth soccer coaches, please.” Is that her deal breaker? “You work with children? Gross.” 100% of the dramatic tension is rooted from his unbridled stupidity. She is the most down for anything movie girl I’ve ever seen. Agreed to marry him after a week. Agreed to force her friends to return to a two day wedding. He could probably piss in her face, if he really wanted to, and for some reason he’s bothering to lie about what’s keeping him from the wedding.

Anyway he tells her that it’s going to be another day. She is mad. This is understandable.

The next day he gives his kids laxatives. The K-Man is not messing around anymore. Pretty soon his star athlete is running with the ball when he starts to feel it fall, diarrhea *fart* *fart* diarrhea *fart* *fart*.

Our hero briefly fantasizes about his team losing, his going back to the wedding, finding the creep Danya making his move, and then kicking his ass. But he comes back to reality, his team wins again, this time using even more homeless power, and it’s going to be another day added to the wedding.

I guess they’re just having a week long wedding. Because these games keep on going, and every time we see Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich”, she’s at this wedding. Again, the tranlsations are not so good, so I’ve got to suss a lot of this out, but one of two things is happening right now.

Either

1. They are having a three or four day wedding to stall until the K-Man is finally eliminated from the youth soccer tournament. Or…
2. This tournament forces children to play several hour long competitive soccer games in a single day.

Either of these situations are brutal. And no matter what, we do know that the wedding will be at least two days long, which is already cruel and unusual.

Also, I haven’t had an organic place to drop this in, but Dany is totally making a play. Here he is, just kind of gently pressuring Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” to pretend to her grandmother over Skype that he was the groom all along.

Fun fact about this guy: He has a talk show.

Neat. I’ll be honest, I’m not even going to judge Dany for making that move. It’s rude, but he might have an opening. You’ve got your whole life with Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” to get over being a dick to some other guy you barely know. And they’ve been dating for a week. To hell with that guy.

Anyway, it’s a pretty standard Underdog Sports Movie from here on out. The soccer team keeps winning. Some shady crime guys tell him to lose the final game. The kids and the coach have a heart to heart. And Dany briefly steals Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich”‘s phone to tell the K-Man to back off. But instead of getting the K-Man, Olga the cougar answers the phone.

This is no mistake. He might have left his phone behind to coach the game, but she saw who was calling. She knows what it people will think when a woman answers a man’s phone. After the guy hasn’t shown up for a wedding. Every person knows this. I’ve known women to pick the lint off of their man’s shoulder to let other women in the area know that he was spoken for. I’ve known them to gently rest their lit cigarette right where it might accidentally brush up against another girl’s arm. I’ve heard one say “Excuse me, I was standing there,” only to be told “Maybe you shouldn’t stand there.” Olga can play dumb all she likes, but she knows damn well what she’s doing. Dany decides to reproduce the call, asking Nadya to put him on speaker phone so that all the guests can hear. Not only does Olga pick up a second time, she lets them all know she’s sorry that she didn’t allow him to go to the wedding because their kids were playing soccer. Well that’s a funny way to phrase everything. Again, Olga might as well have just said “He’s out cold from all the sex we just had.” Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” gets mad. The K-Man finds out what just happened and explains that he’s coaching the in the tournament. She doesn’t believe him. Of course she doesn’t believe him now. She would have earlier.

By the way, I’m just going to cut in here for one second. Do you remember when this guy was in Moscow to pitch a novel? Because this movie doesn’t. We literally haven’t gone back to that well since the moment he was gunned down by a luxury car. Is that the message of this movie? No need to worry about art when you’ve got a smoking hot piece of tail waiting for you at the altar. The whole ambitious writer part of his character- the first character trait we see him exhibit in this entire movie- is dropped and never acknowledged again. That’s weird, right? Okay, back to the plot.

The kids go to the championship game. You would think this would be relatively easy to prove, given that some publications would write something about the team of homeless children vying for a national championship. The kids steal something from the bad guys. And then Nadya “The Actual Milla Jovovich” is there.

She’s fine with him coaching these kids. See, K-Man? She’s fine with it, you spaz. And then that’s the end of the movie. They get married. The kids don’t get adopted, but they get to go to some soccer academy. And that’s our RomCom. The rare romantic comedy where the characters spend most of the time apart and texting each other. That probably says something about society. Accidentally. I don’t get the sense that this movie had deep ambitions.

Was it good? Not really. Red letters on the poster. White background. Everything is predicated on you always being on board with whatever is happening. And if you don’t speak Russian, you probably don’t want to click on that YouTube link. You have to fill in a lot of gaps. If you are Russian, you’ll definitely want to watch it, because while I’m not fluent in the language, I get the sense that Milla Jovovich absolutely nails it. But you know what? I’m going to give this movie a little bit of credit. For the most part it did away with the useless scenes that linger about in the Soviet days. There wasn’t some four minute song where you watch a butterfly move along the city. No long, wordless exhibitions of tired Muscovites crossing a busy street. Believe me, the old Soviet filmmakers loved this shit. And here, every scene appears to serve some function. That’s not nothing, and I commend this bold new direction in Russian film making.

Okay, that’s everything. Check out the clip. Like and subscribe to their YouTube channel, I guess. Tell them Ian sent you.

Bye.