As we wait for real sports to begin again, one might note that the Most Glorious el Beisbol Cardinals are tied for first in the NL Central. With the Bastard Man Small Bears, who come into #BFIB-land for a three game series, starting tonight. Not that it matters so much in the larger picture, with Los Doyers, Noo Yawk, and the Dirt 500s being so far and away superior to all chllengers.
But fuck a duck, it matters to me. KMOX made this Charlotte native, listening in on his childhood bedroom clock radio, a fan FOR LIEF. My experience is fairly common for Southern folk of a certain age.
And I am not alone, as I would hazard a guess that a strong plurality of Commentist Party members favour the evil side in baseball loyalty. As a contrast, us #BFIB have almost a true majority within the catacombs of DFO Politburo (including Internet Dad, obvs).
Autumn 2016 was a dark fucking time. This stupid country elected an “out and proud” fascist to the Presidency, while baseball events shattered the Billy Goat Curse. I watched not a single pitch of that off-season. As a result, I am at least not ded by mah own hand. But the well of despair…was deep indeed.
However, silver linings have appeared in the clouds. Demmycrats took back the House in 2018. I see two candidates in the 2020 field that I think (i) would likely win the general; and (ii) would make effective Presidents. And the Cubs have not enjoyed a “Golden Era” of performance, as was universlly predicted. The 2018 side choked away a yuuuuuuuge Division lead, then lost the one-game playoff to the Dirt Packers and then the wild card to the Dirt Donks. I enjoyed Joe Maddon’s face. You could tell he was smelling something other than his own beloved farts.
St. Louis went into 2019 hoping to get back to the 90-95 win plateau, and duke it out for Central supremacy. Paul Goldschmidt joined the club. Paul DeJong (aka Paulie Two Bases) blossomed into a legitimate superstar. But…everything else fell to shit.
Thankfully, all other party invitees decided to join #BFIB in mediocrity. Ain’t nobody no good. Thus, you get to this series with sommet on the line, and a chance to bury the Small Bears good. With a farm system ranked in MLB’s Bottom Five – the future has to be now for Chi*****.
I can put aside my own misgivings about Cardinals management, and a rash of discouraging decisions made with both roster and lineup. I can focus on MAH HATE, which is always my happy zone. The matchups:
30 July (8:15 EST, MLBN) – Yu Darvish v. Adam Wainwright
Waino hasn’t been as bad as feared, in his Swan Song season. That’s not to say he’s been GOOD, mind. Thankfully, neither has Darvish, and Chi**** will pay him lots of moneys to be not good for awhile. Toss-up game, likely the rubber match.
31 July (8:00 EST, ESPN) – Kyle Hendricks v. Miles Mikolas
I absolutely LOVE Mikolas, a fast-working, soft contact-inducing reclamation project (failed MLB reliever who went to Japan and re-invented himself). He is nicknamed The Lizard King for his famed Spring Training feat of eating a live lizard. Baseballists are weird, yo. But #BFIB just can’t hit Hendricks, and it always pisses me the fuck off. Slight edge to Bastard Men.
1 August (7:15 EST, MLBN) – Jon Lester v. Jack Flaherty
Hopefully, trade winds bring a new starting pitcher (please please, Robbie Ray) into town, but not to start this’un. Flaherty is a true gem, despite having horrible HR/FB luck (i.e., seemingly every fly ball he gives up leaves the yard – NAWT sustainable). He’s been really effective in July, and to my eye test, has fully turned the corner. Jon Lester is an asshole, and he kind of sucks now. Strong edge to #BFIB, as long as a Redbird win is not needed to avoid a sweep (then asses will get tight).
Enjoy the games, and savage my kind in the comments.