INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Several NFL personalities are sitting in chairs around a conference table. ANDY REID is quietly eating a large bowl of spaghetti.  BILL O’BRIEN is staring at a laptop, and with a tremendous sigh presses a button.

JOSH ROSEN: So anyways, about this good thing that can happen on a forward pass…

BILL O’BRIEN: [loudly snapping his laptop shut] Welp, that’s it.  We’re c-c-c-closing out our position in American Renal Associates at $7.33.  That’s a n-n-nice 30% haircut.

[cut to]

MARK DAVIS, having an out-of-body experience.

[cut back]

BILL O’BRIEN: I hope you’re h-h-happy, Hue.

HUE JACKSON: Oh, very.  Of course, I’d be even happier if we’d actually made the investments I’d recommended, instead of doing these bullshit paper trades.  In these last two weeks $USO is up 7% and $SLV is up 4%.

JOSH ROSEN: Actually, Hue, since you recommended $USO and $SLV, our holdings in American Renal Associates have gone up 23%.

HUE JACKSON: [stares daggers at JOSH ROSEN]

COLIN COWHERD: So what’s next…

The rest of them turn to him in anticipation.

COLIN COWHERD: …for the so-called “Chairman James” now that other NBA greats like Shaquille O’Neal have spoken out in support of the protesters in Hong Kong.  I’ve long said that LeBron doesn’t have the character to lead an NBA franchise, and his latest statement has shown that unlike true team-first leaders like Michael Jordan, and Kobe Bryant, and yes, even Dwight Howard…

KATIE NOLAN: [pretending to answer her phone] Colin, it’s your agent calling.  He says to shut your mouth right now.

COLIN COWHERD: [pauses] Barry said that?

KATIE NOLAN: Something about Mandarin streaming rights…?

COLIN COWHERD: [rapidly] Anyhow, moving on from what those very fine people in China are up to, Hue, what have you got for us?

HUE JACKSON: I thought we’d look at something in the automotive sector.

BILL O’BRIEN: Too b-b-bad we m-m-missed the b-b-b-b-oat on T-t-tesla.

KATIE NOLAN: How badly?

JOSH ROSEN: Up seventeen percent yesterday.

They all whistle appreciatively.

LAWRENCE TYNES: [looks up from a collection of pills that he is picking through] I like the automotive sector as our next move.  The ambulances I ride in when I go see the doctor are usually GM vehicles, and I think with the strike resolution at hand it’s going to…

KATIE NOLAN: Wait a minute, hold the fucking phone.  You take an ambulance to see your doctor?

LAWRENCE TYNES: Well it’s not my doctor; it’s whoever’s on E.R. rotation that week, but yeah.

KATIE NOLAN: Again, you are making regular visits to the emergency room?

LAWRENCE TYNES: [frowns] Well what else am I supposed to do when I go into toxic shock?

KATIE NOLAN: [shakes her head sadly]

HUE JACKSON: Anyhow, speaking of China…

All seven of them look around the room.  BILL O’BRIEN coughs nervously.  LAWRENCE TYNES also coughs, then takes a giant gulp from an inhaler.

HUE JACKSON: There’s a car manufacturer called NIO.  They’ve been on something of a downswing lately…

KATIE NOLAN: How much of a downswing?

JOSH ROSEN: Their last earnings were trash, they’re eating up cash faster than…[glances at ANDY REID, who is still eating spaghetti]…um…Joey Chestnut eats hot dogs on the fourth of July, and it’s trading at 85% off its year’s high.

HUE JACKSON: That means that it’s due!

COLIN COWHERD: Are you sure about this, Hue?

HUE JACKSON: Quite.

BILL O’BRIEN: G-g-g-goddamnit.  Well, you earned it.  F-f-f-forty eight hundred shares of NIO at a strike price of…[shudders]…$1.52.  Here we go, folks.

—

The Losers Investment Club is back to real live trading with an investment in the Chinese car maker NIO. Current assets stand at $7,330.