Your “I’m Still Enjoying Alabama’s Tears” NFL Football Open Thread

The only good thing the state of Alabama has is football and now they don’t even have that. So, Crimson Tide fans, cram that loss up that MAGA ballcap, go back to your hovel and throw a Saban-like tantrum in front of your haven’t-bathed-in-weeks kids. Don’t forget to slap your cousin-wife for good measure. It’s her fault she looked at you funny again, right?

TO THE GAMES!

Jets/Bengals:

I’m streaming Darnold for this one because I’m frightened and confused. And also because since week 10 he’s been QB3 in fantasyland. There’s much to criticize about Adam Gase but the state of the Jets D is not among them. It has slowly become a very solid unit that is very to run against.

Titans/Colts:

Speaking of robust run D’s, Indy has one. But the sheer mass of Derrick Henry has a way of changing defender’s minds and defense’s stat lines. T.Y. is out so the Colts have to employ the remaining members of their “Bring Out Your Dead” receiving corpse.

Eagles/Fins:

Jordan Howard is done for this week so Miles “And Miles” Sanders is in a potential smash spot against a Miami D that gives up 130 yds. per game to rb’s.

Packers/Giants:

Does anyone remember when Janoris Jenkins was a lockdown corner? I do. It was way back in aught ’16. We were so young and foolish back then. We made tons of mistakes but we learned from them and we had such fun along the way…

Browns/Steelers:

Chubb and Snell should get all kinds of work today and I’m going to give the edge to the rook because Pitt’s D has been gangbusters Minkah came to town.

Potato Skins/Panthers:

Play McCaffrey. [wipes hands on shirt] There. Done.

Bucs/Jags:

Good Lord! Here’s a stat for you-11 times Tampa has played against a wr that averages 12+ fantasy points. Those 11 players have gone off for a collective average of 26 points. Btw, D.J. Chark and his 17.2 mark are salivating at the moment.

Niners/Ravens:

This is the reason so many of us are tuning in, right? I wouldn’t mind seeing this tilt again in early February either.

Hit me with your best words!

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clint greasewood
clint greasewood

Lesser Tiki Barber not as good in commentating.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Human sacrifice, Dolphins and Bengals winning together, mass hysteria

Gratliff

Long live the NFC Least

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

7-9 or 8-8 wins this division?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Shitzmagic with that Harvard Hobo look just asking to get on Scotchy’s radar…

King Hippo

IT’S HAPPENING!!!

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

Get the ladder ready a Cincinnati man is about comedown from his roof.

King Hippo

hey now, our magical pony imaginary friend has A NAME

Redshirt

Yeah right! I wouldn’t bet $1 on my Bengals, let alone my freedom!

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

The uprights Goff just hit when he threw that pass had a better chance to catch the ball than Agholor.

Redshirt

How do you hit the uprights on a non-throwaway pass attempt?

King Hippo

#JustATurdOutThere

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

It was Goff throwing, remember the guy who did not know the sun rose in the east.

Redshirt

1-11 and the saddest Gatorade Bath ever.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Black licorice Gatorade introduced

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

That is just nasty sounding.

Redshirt

4th Down? Throw it away out of bounds!

King Hippo

He’s still…a special young man! Way to avoid the Millen Cuck Liouns achievement level.

King Hippo

The TD-making kicker can clinch it now, but he will miss.

Redshirt

Bengals are up two touchdowns with 2 minutes left. What is this warm feeling in my guts? Is…is this happiness?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Narrator: “It wasn’t happiness, it was acid refux.”

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

NFC East is really a race to the bottom. Eagles making the “easiest” final stretch of the season as difficult as possible.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Are they piping in crowd noise over the PA system in Miami? Sounds awfully loud for that stadium.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Lot of eagles fans

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Cheering for the Fins? I just don’t understand the Eagles fan base.

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

Do we have a name for Lamar yet?

King Hippo

Always Lamar! in reference to his political past.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Hedley, obvs.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Ha!

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clint greasewood
clint greasewood

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Not Lamar!!!!!!’s best game. But he’s a tough sumbitch.

Petronel

Crap.

Well, ’twas a good game.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It ain’t over yet hon. Not in these conditions.

Petronel

(It was when I posted. Maybe your feed is behind mine?)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh yeah, I had paused the live feed to go take a leak.

/blushes slightly

King Hippo

Not to be cliche, but that one really was a classic heavyweight boxing match