Your “I’m Still Enjoying Alabama’s Tears” NFL Football Open Thread

The only good thing the state of Alabama has is football and now they don’t even have that. So, Crimson Tide fans, cram that loss up that MAGA ballcap, go back to your hovel and throw a Saban-like tantrum in front of your haven’t-bathed-in-weeks kids. Don’t forget to slap your cousin-wife for good measure. It’s her fault she looked at you funny again, right?

TO THE GAMES!

Jets/Bengals:

I’m streaming Darnold for this one because I’m frightened and confused. And also because since week 10 he’s been QB3 in fantasyland. There’s much to criticize about Adam Gase but the state of the Jets D is not among them. It has slowly become a very solid unit that is very to run against.

Titans/Colts:

Speaking of robust run D’s, Indy has one. But the sheer mass of Derrick Henry has a way of changing defender’s minds and defense’s stat lines. T.Y. is out so the Colts have to employ the remaining members of their “Bring Out Your Dead” receiving corpse.

Eagles/Fins:

Jordan Howard is done for this week so Miles “And Miles” Sanders is in a potential smash spot against a Miami D that gives up 130 yds. per game to rb’s.

Packers/Giants:

Does anyone remember when Janoris Jenkins was a lockdown corner? I do. It was way back in aught ’16. We were so young and foolish back then. We made tons of mistakes but we learned from them and we had such fun along the way…

Browns/Steelers:

Chubb and Snell should get all kinds of work today and I’m going to give the edge to the rook because Pitt’s D has been gangbusters Minkah came to town.

Potato Skins/Panthers:

Play McCaffrey. [wipes hands on shirt] There. Done.

Bucs/Jags:

Good Lord! Here’s a stat for you-11 times Tampa has played against a wr that averages 12+ fantasy points. Those 11 players have gone off for a collective average of 26 points. Btw, D.J. Chark and his 17.2 mark are salivating at the moment.

Niners/Ravens:

This is the reason so many of us are tuning in, right? I wouldn’t mind seeing this tilt again in early February either.

Hit me with your best words!

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King Hippo

WOW. That was a Bobby Big Bollocks win for Lamar! and DreamKicker

Redshirt

Break out the bubbly Browns and Lions! The Bengals are up by 16 points with 3:41 to go.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Getting close enough for Tucker. Almost.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Orrrrrr….you could always do that and back up 10 yards.

I hate this game.

theeWeeBabySeamus

47 yarder…in this weather it’s going to be interesting.

King Hippo

Just a Man and His Dream

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey I get that reference.

Gratliff

I do not understand Fitzpatrick at all. Just a fucking coin toss every game how he’s gonna play

Unsurprised

Nothing good has ever come out of Harvard

theeWeeBabySeamus

Remember back when Roberts didn’t need a hip replacement….like two minutes ago.
Ouch.

Redshirt

Adam Vinatieri is going to wonder off the field at the end of this game in shock still wearing his uniform like Rambo did in First Blood Part II.

theeWeeBabySeamus

ALMOST SUDDEN CHANGE!!!!!
(crap)

Gratliff

The calls for Schwartz being fired on Twitter rising quickly to Princeton levels

Don T

A ha. HAHAHAHAHA
/dies

King Hippo

Most Tits game EVAR

Redshirt

/rummages Don T’s pockets for wallet and loose change.

Don T

Hey, gimme mah lint!

Gatoraids

I CALL THIS GAME STARKIST TUNA BECAUSE THE DOLPHINS ARE SURPISINGLY IN IT

theeWeeBabySeamus

That was good.
Anytime I laugh at something and feel guilty for laughing, it has to be good.

Dunstan

I CALL THIS GAME THE EYRIE BECAUSE IT’S WHERE THE EAGLES SHIT THE BED

King Hippo

quack quack!

Gratliff

So uh is Davonte Parker usually this good or did he just save every big play for the Eagles?

King Hippo

Now Tomsulas’ chance for Crucial Fourth Down

King Hippo

…and they THROW

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll say this. Whomever wins this one, it was earned on D.
This game shoulda been February.

Redshirt

,,,and Dalton just got Giovani Bernard dead.

Unsurprised

I don’t exactly want to legitimize lib memes like Everything Trump Touches Dies, buttttttttttt … if he could show up to a P*ts home game, that would be swell.

Unsurprised

Niner D? Go on …

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gotta get Lamar!!! back out on that field dammit.
You can’t make the team from the tub.
(Hippo knows that quote)

Don T

Another fair catch punt by the Clots at their 10. If P Brett Kern ain’t 1st team All Pro, shit is getting burned.

Horatio Cornblower

“False start on 69”

Look, just yell ‘cut’ like every other porn director, OK Scorsese?

Senor Weaselo

I didn’t want to have to drive people all the way to New Jersey in the slush for a gig, but somehow I did that all and I’m not dead.

Horatio Cornblower

Just inside

theeWeeBabySeamus

You can see it in his eyes.

Spur

Fitzmagic

Gratliff

The Eagles play the Dolphins as close as they do the best teams in the league and it’s fucking maddening

Horatio Cornblower

Daniel Jones gonna Daniel Jones

theeWeeBabySeamus

That ball crossed the goal line.
Sorry Ravens….this gonna be a touchback after review.

Good try though.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Or maybe not.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Why are they reviewing this?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, Harbaugh looks better in the camera with the lens fogged up.

Horatio Cornblower

Is…is Colonel Sanders gonna fuck Mrs. Butterworth?

Gratliff

Some very problematic implications here

King Hippo

Seems natural to me – Thomas J., Charlottesville, VA

ArmedandHammered

That looked like a deep fried snapping turtle head.

Redshirt

Look away. Things are about to get sticky.

ArmedandHammered

Won’t be too bad if you warm her up properly.

Don T

?

Don T

Why not? She’s Old Money.

Redshirt

Safety Dance in Cincy!

Old School Zero

comment image

Spur

Fitzpatrick!

Gatoraids

Cursed monkeys beard of qbs

Horatio Cornblower

Olivia Munn is playing?

Old School Zero

Dealing with xmas lights bring out the best swearing in me. Especially when the stores aren’t stocking the C7 size seemingly anymore. Assholes. All of them.

Spur

Jimmy G throws the The Aaron Rogers special, bailout flag

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck, really coming down now. Need the gap over the Meadowlands to get up here. There’s no way my wife is gonna let her first born go with me.

Redshirt

Let her know after the fact.

ArmedandHammered

Exactly, better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

bk109

Eh… that adage is only applicable if someone’s happy,I mean single… For everyone else is – it’s easier and quieter to beg for permission than to be growled at for a month

Horatio Cornblower

This guy gets it.

ArmedandHammered

I do the cooking and laundry. Growl at me and you won’t eat or have clean clothes. Forgive me and you get your favorite foods and baked items.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t get those two things mixed up.

Baked beans could really mess up my favorite pair of underpants.

ArmedandHammered

If you saw the size of my belly you would know how seriously I take my food, so no chance of that.

Horatio Cornblower

She’s sitting right here, man. She’s gonna notice.

Gratliff

Possible alternative: leave him

ArmedandHammered

My son brought me a flat of beer from the brewery he works at. He is still in the will.

Horatio Cornblower

Mine hit his then girlfriend’s father up to get me my first Heady Topper, for Xmas, about 4 years ago, when he was 17. Drove over and picked it up, then drove it back with the beer hidden in the trunk in case he got pulled over.

It’s like if O. Henry wrote stories about smuggling.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Heady Topper.

Sounds like a Balls porn search term to me.

Horatio Cornblower

comment image?t=1498495050

King Hippo

u think DonT ain’t gon drank??

Spur

Mostert is going crazy

Redshirt

Fu Minshew is back in Jax!

King Hippo

el Tractorcito!!

Redshirt

Bengals are doing their best to lose this game by putting their 6th-string WR on the field, but Dalton somehow gets him the ball.

Gratliff

No reason whatsoever for RedZone to cut away from Niners-Ravens save commercials

King Hippo

I am considering switching to main Fox feed

hippofant

But then you’ll miss Duck Hodges throwing on 3rd and 7 from the 17!!!!!

Spur

Game of the year folks.

Petronel

LAMAR!

Gatoraids

HEADLEY

Redshirt

HEDLEY!

Horatio Cornblower

The snow just started to pick up here and I am seriously thinking of driving 45 minutes each way to a brewery because they’re the best beer around and there is no line.

Priorities, I has them.

King Hippo

the only downside is missing FITBAW time. Maybe send your spawn?

Horatio Cornblower

I’d bring him with me; there’s a per person limit on a couple of the cans I’d be shooting for.

Ooh, “cans I’d be shooting for….”

Have at it, Balls.

LemonJello

You need to bring enough back for everyone in the clubhouse. Rulz R Rulz.

Horatio Cornblower

I trade beers with BFC and Snow.

LemonJello

You misspelled “LemonJello.” Twice.

Horatio Cornblower

You get me an address, I’ll get you beers.

You send me Bud Light back, I’ll show up at your address.

Mistborn Impossible

Do your tires have tread? You’ll be fine.

Dunstan

Sideline reporter is confused that Baker Mayfield is not expected to start the second half, because he “came out under his own steam and looks like a guy who’s ready to play.” It’s a fucking hand injury, dipshit … were you expecting him to limp or roll out in a wheelchair?

King Hippo

Baker returns. It’s not like he needs his right hand that much imogodbless

King Hippo

His first name ain’t baby. It’s Lamar! Mr. Jackson if u nasty.

King Hippo

Holy cats, is possible that ALL THREE of Bungles, ‘Dacteds, and LOLfins win

Gatoraids

The seals of the lolpacolpyse have broken hail your king burrows

King Hippo

we live in a very strange, fuckety reality

Gatoraids

Carcosa baby the yellow king beckons us all

King Hippo

the Yellow King book is especially good

bk109

On an unrelated and way too somber for here note:
New Orleans shooting: Eleven victims near French Quarter
(just popped on my news feed)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I saw that earlier.
And nothing is off limits here, my friend.

ArmedandHammered

How the fuck does Agahlore keep his fucking job?

King Hippo

TheSean Jackson needs a new tummy

Gratliff

Reminder that the Eagles are 7-4 right now if Nelson Agholor didn’t drop a sure TD against both Atlanta and Detroit at the end of each game

Gratliff

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King Hippo

Fuck you Dolphin!!

King Hippo

This needs a Dakota Jeebus pick six

theeWeeBabySeamus

SNOW GAME IN THE MEADOWLANDS!!!!!
Wooooo!!!!!

King Hippo

Gilbert Gottfried to lead #ThePauls!!

Redshirt

Mandatory Posting (definitely NSFW)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk

King Hippo

his version is indeed the best!