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DFO Hate week continues: The Modern American “Muscle” Car.

yeah right

/

,

Yeah, I’m gonna vent. Maybe borderline hate here.

What the everloving fuckall is this fucking shit?

This?

image via

VVVRRROOOOM!

I am the fiercest vehicle in my suburban block house stucco encrusted beige apartment building and everybody fears me!

They see my matte finish and my fierce pre-fab “ready to be broken the second I bump into a neighbors garbage can” cheap ass fiberglass body and they quiver in envy! Each time I fire up my Noisy ass V-whatever they can hear my rumble and know that I’ve achieved epic bad-assedness simply by owning this complete embarrassment to the excess of the current human condition.

This is the new Ford Shortcoming with the special Compensation Stripes!

Rumble Rumble Rumble!

See how the she-devils flock to my swarthyness and the rumble of my “4-stroke and I’m a sack of wet socks” HEMI-Engine!

Fuck you and fuck your pathetic car.

What? Didn’t your parents buy you any noisy toys when you were younger?

Every single one of your neighbors hate you.

Every neighborhood you drive down and goose the gas to make your little snarly rat-car sound aggressive? Every one of those neighborhoods hates you.

You’re not James Dean.

You’re not Steve McQueen driving the “Bullitt” car.

You’re an overcompensating knob who chose to annoy the rest of humanity by purchasing this noisy-ass, dick extension on the off chance you might, FOR ONCE get laid.

Thanks for buying the extra fossil fuels you self absorbed cock lesion.

Not to mention the sight lines suck ass.

 

 

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Senor Weaselo

The Challenger is a silly car that looks completely out of place in

How about BMW drivers (either in M-class vehicles or 330i’s) who don’t believe in signals or normal flow of traffic or passing on the left hand side because it’s real-life Need for Speed?

/Hot take: I actually like the look of the current-gen Ford GT, even though it looks incredibly uncomfortable to actually be inside. This may be influenced by my playing of Need for Speed on my phone where I used said car to beat the story mode.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Sir,

I’ll have you know that the signals were an optional item. I already sprang for the full leather interior and didn’t feel like wasting the extra cash on frivolities.

Also, I’ll pass on the left hand side when the slow motherfucker doing 50 in the fast lane moves to the right as God intended.

BMW M driver

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Senor Weaselo

That slow motherfucker inevitably has livery plates. And is doing 40.

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ballsofsteelandfury

They’re the real problem!

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blaxabbath

big if true.

2
Old School Zero

Your factory brake lights look like the anime eyes for “angry” and you’ve never gone to a track day in your life. Chucklefucks into stance and reverse camber who dropped out of eighth grade due to meth have more wrenching knowledge than your ass (which has multiple supplemental T patches on it). All that extra custom tint does fuck all in the cloudy as all get out PNW. Your other urban vehicle in a city that only has tiny parking spots is some giant truck that’s 95% luxury cab. It’s no wonder you don’t trust science, since you disprove not only evolution but the entire concept of intelligence itself.

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Unsurprised

Hijacking this for my own cleverness (stealing SOS’s cleverness)

comment image

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Brick Meathook

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BC Dick

I’ve had my eye on a ‘75 Grand Marquis Brougham. Very good condition. That doesn’t elicit rage, hopefully. And classic muscle is still cool.

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yeah right

Classics are fine. I’ve always been partial to the 1970 Barracuda. It’s the cheap ass pre-fab new cars that are simply designed to be noisy that piss me off.

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BC Dick

Agreed. No one but 50 something dads rediscovering their youth seem to buy those things. And I don’t think the Grand Marquis is muscle, in case that is how it came off. It’s just a sweet ride, favoured by none other than Uncle Buck.

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Brick Meathook

I want a used Ford Crown Vic Police Interceptor with the rear-wheel drive V-8 and the big radiator and electric power plant and I wanna saw the roof off and drive it all over SoCal at 8 m.p.g. and I’ll wear a leather flying helmet with goggles and a ten foot long silk scarf that trails behind me in the wind, with classic rock blasting on the 8-track, of course.

6
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’ve always wanted a mid 80’s Monte Carlo SS. It’s a POS but have always liked the lines of that car.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Other Deeply Hateable Automobiles:

Fiat 500 and it’s various monstrous offspring
Chrysler PT Cruiser
Chevrolet Monte Carlo (2000-2007 Sixth Generation)
Mercedes Benz 600 Grosser (the Evil Dictator Car)
Any lifted pickup truck not driven primarily off-road
Smart Fortwo (if taking up a normal size parking space)

7
BC Dick

I like the excuse I’ve heard when mocking lifted pickups that, “they need it for work”. No, you don’t. You need it because you’re short.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

that and the chromed out truck that’s never had anything in the bed, nor ever been off road

3
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I love driving behind randomly lifted trucks that aggressively brake for speed bumps.

Did I say love? I meant vehemently despise.

3
BC Dick

With the big stacks especially. Like they walked into the dealership and asked for the Asshole Special.

2
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I believe James Dean favored Porsches.

Also, what are your thoughts on the Ford Mustang Mach-E? Abomination, or deserved demise of the “muscle” car?

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yeah right

I was unaware of it until now and I’m going to process my feelings on it. It’s an ugly motherfucker.

But how loud is it?

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BC Dick

It better be loud as all hell. I want everyone on the sidewalk to know just how sexually frustrated I am.

4
Senor Weaselo

It deserves to be railgunned from space due to using the Mustang name. Also Ford for no longer making sedans.

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