Alternately, still dead edition. Because yesterday was a shit hit the fan day. The New York public college systems suspended class, the NBA is on hiatus—TOM HANKS. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE TOM HANKS FROM US, CORONAVIRUS OR ANYTHING ELSE. THAT MAN OUGHT TO BE ETERNAL.

But anyway, today covers the second round in the BOLTMAN Regional. Which makes sense.

48. “Maryland channeling their inner older, more mature Jesus by not going crazy at Temple.” beats 10. “Fuck ‘A Star Is Born’: if I wanted to see a woman desperate to save her man from an alcohol fueled doom I’d put my wife and I on ‘Temptation Island.’” 20-17

2. “These goal posts are taking it like an NFL girlfriend lately.” beats 18. “Now THAT’S some music to fuck your 13 year old cousin to!” 19-17

51. “THIS JASON GARRETT, I CALL HIM HILLARY CLINTON BECAUSE HE TOOK WISCONSIN LIGHTLY AND IT’S GOING TO COST HIM A JOB” beats 39. “Jesus gets a red. Where’s your VAR now?” 26-9

62. “I feel it’s fitting that the final play in the Oakland Coliseum is of a Raider being hit in the face with a pass that it was really important for him to catch.” beats 30. “I am going to get ahead of things here and insist that you cut off all contact with her immediately.” 20-16

15. “11 days to make it just one round—what are we, Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ belt?!” beats 24. “French construction workers will always do better work than international terrorists.” 18-15

19. “Like an improvised rope made of bedsheets, Sharkbait’s banner held together long enough to strangle the competition.” beats 4. “You Roughride long enough, you’re gonna end up with some Browns.” 18-14

40. “I’ve had enough of condescending bodies of water. Get over yourself, Lake Superior.” beats 41. “A friend of ours got married, for the 5th time, recently. When we saw the news my daughter said ‘One more and she’ll be Thanos.’” 24-8

14. “To be fair, Gruden saw end of career Jerry Rice. Kind of like judging pie eating abilities of end of life Terri Schiavo.” beats 3. “This game has had more fourth downs than a couple whose youngest child has trisomy 21” 26-6

Which gives the second round matchups of:

The good news is we’ll still have proverbial fans in the proverbial stands. Metaphorically speaking. Either way, suck it, multi-billion dollar organization that makes it off the backs of students!