So Johnny, what are your draft plans this year?

Well, Jim, I can tell you this: the highest-ranking Ohio State player on the board whenever possible.

Bastard. They didn’t even make the Playoff this year.

Oh, and you guys did? That’s news to me. Haven’t even won a bowl game in god knows how long.

At least I’ve never frittered away an MVP-caliber QB in a playoff game, John.

Once again, Jim: kiss the Super Bowl ring. Let’s face it: our rivalry is as one-sided as they come. I think you’d be hard-pressed to find one with a bigger mismatch.

John, I plan on coaching until at least age two hundred. I don’t know about you, but I’m only just getting started. And if you think this rivalry is one-sided, you should see what the Brits did in their African expeditions…

THE ANGLO-ZANZIBAR WAR

Combatant 1: The British Royal Navy

Combatant 2: The Zanzibar Sultanate

Location of Conflict: Zanzibar Town, Africa

Reason for Conflict: Someone didn’t want to leave their room.

What happened? In 1896, the British Empire was thoroughly enmeshed in the Scramble for Africa, the race between European colonial powers for territory and resources to exploit on the still-mostly-unknown continent. Thanks to the Berlin Conference of 1884-85, Africa was divided up – among mostly-arbitrary territorial definitions – and given to colonial governments to control. The British did exceptionally well, having had their Cape Colony in South Africa firmly in control since 1814 – not to mention their footholds in Egypt and Sudan.

As the British Empire amassed more territory, they also sought to align themselves with other sovereign areas of Africa that were less friendly with their other European rivals. In East Africa, the new nation of Germany had gained a colony they named German East Africa, comprising parts of Burundi, Rwanda, and Tanzania. For the British, who had their own East African colony to the north, they were constantly concerned about the territorial ambitions of a rival European power, and thus wanted to establish some friendly relations with the tiny nation of Zanzibar, who shared a coast with their much larger German neighbors.

Zanzibar was solidly allied with the British under the rule of Sultan Hamad bin Thuwaini, but upon his sudden and unexpected death on August 25th, 1896, the alliance was thrown into turmoil. The new Sultan, Khalid bin Bhargash, decided that he didn’t want to capitulate to the British Empire’s every whim. There was strong suspicion that Khalid had actually poisoned Hamad in order to become sultan, though it was never conclusively proven.

Shockingly, the British weren’t so pleased with this development.

Three days after the new Sultan took power, British warships entered the harbor of Zanzibar Town.

The new sultan, upon seeing the invading force, decided to barricade himself in the palace, daring the British to get him out of there. All the flags of Zanzibar flew at half-mast in honor in of the recently-departed Sultan, save for one – the one directly above the palace. New Sultan Khalid sent a message to the British on the morning of August 27th, stating,  “We have no intention of hauling down our flag and we do not believe you would open fire on us.”

It was a bold move. And one he would come to regret almost immediately.

The Aftermath: It took the British all of 38 minutes to win their war against the Sultan – it was the shortest war in all of recorded history.

The Royal Navy shelled the palace, destroying the flimsy wooden structure in record time. They also sank the royal yacht, HHS Glasgow (a gift from Queen Victoria), and two other boats. As the artillery fired upon the town, the would-be Sultan, protected by almost 3,000 townspeople and slaves, was shocked, and fled from the attacking ground force, running off to sanctuary in Dar-Es-Salaam. The palace and surrounding property were badly burned, and the British installed their own choice for Sultan in very short order.

In 38 minutes of combat, the Zanzibaris suffered 500 killed and wounded, compared to a single British officer wounded. With Zanzibar brought to heel, the British installed their own puppet as Sultan, and the de facto independence of Zanzibar was ended until 1964, when the British finally ended their governance of their African colonial possessions.

As for Khalid bin Bharghash, he was captured in 1916 when British forces invaded German East Africa in the middle of the First World War, and he was exiled to the Seychelles and later the island of St. Helena. Eventually, Khalid returned to Mombasa, but the British forced the short-lived Sultan and his supporters to pay for all of the ammunition that was shot at them over the course of the war – a sum of 300,000 rupees. The Royal Navy: kicking your ass and making you pay for the privilege. It’s fair to say in the modern era that European colonialism was a tremendously destructive force across the world, but rarely have we ever seen it wreak so much havoc in so short a time. Zanzibar suffered for years as a result of British rule.

However, there is one positive side note to this tale: with Britain controlling the nation, the slave trade was brought to an end in Zanzibar, where the Muslim nobility had made fortunes off the buying and selling of tribal Africans all across the continent.

And just think, Jimbo: that still longer than most of your defeats. That Citrus Bowl was over at halftime – you just didn’t realize it at the time.

John, I will bring a full artillery barrage on you and your film. I’m not speaking metaphorically. One more fucking word and the field guns will blow holes in M&T Bank Stadium. Quarantine has given me a lot of time to prepare.

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here and here. Banner image by The Maestro.