The scene: The future! And yes, by that I mean The Wasteland future, so it’s all desolation and rocks and tumbleweeds and sand. Much more George Miller than George Lucas. But hey, it could be worse! We could be talkin’ a George Romero future! Although that would have cool Tom Savini FX, so it would look pretty gnarly.
But I digress. We were talking desolation and rocks and sand. And lo and behold, Horatio Cornblower is lying on top of Moosemas Gorilla, who is lying in the sand.
Horatio Cornblower: Oh, my aching head…
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook…
Horatio Cornblower: Tell me about it, pal. I’m guessing this is because of Debbie’s T.A.T.A.S.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook? Ook-ook!
Horatio Cornblower: Oh, yeah. When we find her, feel free to crush her like a grape. That crazy clone has been almost as much trouble for us as…
Suddenly a scream breaks through the desolate landscape. Horatio looks at Moosemas Gorilla. Moosemas Gorilla looks at Horatio.
Horatio Cornblower: I mean, I guess we could check it out.
Another scream erupts, this one even louder. Begrudgingly, Moosemas Gorilla puts Horatio on his shoulder and heads in the direction of the scream.
Moosemas Gorilla (in a complaintive tone): Ook.
Horatio Cornblower: I know, I know. But, look, it could be someone who really needs our help. Maybe it’s even one of the guys, or…
Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio round the bend to find a screeching PK. He’s vainly attempting to escape from the clutches of a two meter tall monstrosity with big gnarly teeth, wicked curved claws and the biggest, cutest, fuzziest tail you’ve ever seen.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?
Horatio Cornblower: No, I see it too, pal. That is just the biggest damn squirrel I’ve ever seen. And at my size, that’s saying something!
PK: Guys? Am I glad to see you!!!
Horatio Cornblower: And why would that be, exactly?
PK (his hands digging into the sand as the squirrel tries to drag him away): Aw, c’mon, guys! We go back a long way, right? You’ve gotta help me out here!
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook? Ook.
Horatio Cornblower: No, he’s right. We really don’t have to. I mean, that thing is ten times my size, and while my pal here could help…
Moosemas Gorilla (firmly): Ook.
Horatio Cornblower: Yeah, he really doesn’t want to.
PK screeches again, a shrill cry of fear and desperation, as the squirrel draws him closer with its formidable claws. As if in response, another scream can be heard, echoing throughout The Wasteland.
Horatio Cornblower: Huh. That almost sounded like WCS.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook.
Horatio Cornblower: Yeah, remember that time he picked up his beer and there was a spider on the can? He screamed just like that.
Moosemas Gorrila: Ook-ook.
Horatio Cornblower: Well, sure, the spider was an escaped specimen from Zymm’s lab. And it did have twelve legs instead of eight.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.
Horatio Cornblower: Good point. Its body was the size of a ping-pong ball. Look, I’m not saying WCS didn’t have a reason to scream, I’m just saying that that sounded like him just now.
PK screeches again as the squirrel chitters in excitement, drawing him closer to its slavering jaws. Its cute, fuzzy tail whips back and forth adorably.
PK (screeching, his man-bun bobbing up & down): GUUUUUYYYYYSSSS!!!
Suddenly something falls from the air, straight onto the squirrel. Or rather, through the squirrel. It impacts like a small asteroid colliding at hypersonic velocity with a bowl full of jello. The squirrel basically explodes in a Cronenbergian shower of gore, covering PK, Horatio and Moosemas Gorilla in a sticky coating of fur and squirrel guts.
Horatio Cornblower (looking like a GI Joe that just got doused in a jar of ketchup): What. The. Hell?
Moosemas Gorilla (trying to separate sticky squirrel fur from his own fur): Oooook…
PK (just a sticky, gory mess, although his man-bun is miraculously untouched): What…what just happened…?
As if in answer, a sticky red globe rolls out of the squirrel’s scant remains.
Otto’s Brain: Hey, guys! Guess who materialized in near-orbit instead of safely on the ground?
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!
Otto’s Brain: What? I’m just lucky to be nigh-invulnerable. And also to not have a sense of smell right about now, because I’ll bet you guys are rank.
PK: Otto? You saved me?!!
Otto’s Brain: Well, not on purpose. I just kind of fell…
PK (picking up Otto’s Brain in his sticky hands): Aw, I knew you couldn’t let me die!
Otto’s Brain: Put me down! I didn’t save you! Not on purpose, anyway! Horatio…!
Horatio Cornblower: You’re on your own, Otto. You saved him. You just go ahead and hang with your new besty now.
PK (hugging Otto’s Brain): Hear that? We’re best friends now! Aw, man, this is gonna be so cool!
Otto’s Brain: Ack! Dammit, put me down! I am not the George to your overstuffed Lennie!
Moosemas Gorilla goes trundling off with Horatio on his shoulder. PK happily follows along, carrying Otto’s Brain.
PK: We’re gonna have a great time! You’ll see! I never had a best friend before. Wow, I still can’t believe you saved me!
Otto’s Brain (whining): Horrratioooo…
Horatio Cornblower: Hear that, pal?
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.
Horatio Cornblower: Yeah, me neither. Must just have been the wind.
PK: Hey, maybe we can be lackeys together! We could get matching outfits! We’re gonna have so much fun!
Otto’s Brain: Hooooooorrrrraattttiiiioooooooooo……!
To be continued…
Trail of the Screaming Forehead (2007)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486665/
“JUST GET IN!! LET’S GO!”
Fucking great!
The image of PK being dragged away by a mutant squirrel gives me a reason to live – for like the next 15 minutes. After that, well we’ll have to see.
There’s always bourbon.
Yes, and Miller Lite and gummies. Countering the effects of that are the Fozz Spawn, the oldest of which is living on borrowed fucking time.
Have you considered white slavery? He stays alive and gets to see an exotic part of the world, you make a couple of bucks and get some peace & quiet. It’s a win-win.
Great idea, plus he has blond hair and green eyes, so you know I could get a couple extra bucks for that.
Sell him to China, his eyes make him exotic.
Listening to the draft on the radio on the way home, chargers trade up to get the linebacker from Oklahoma.
One person on the panel goes into a story about how his pastor father adopted three special needs children (presumably autistic) when he was 11. He says it’s why he plays the game and plays otthe way he does, especially for his middle sibling who is non-verbal.
The scout on the panel then goes, “I don’t mean to rain on the parade but I don’t like the player and I don’t like the pick.” Dari Nowkhah just about cackled and said, “You just hailed on this parade.”
Life is beautiful.
“NEW EPISODE OF HARD RIDE TO NOWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
wish i had any kind of editing skillz to make it Andy Reid coming throught the wall.
If only there was more dust and debris….. maybe some BBQ sauce spilling out of AR’s.. …. spout.
Serves Otto right. What was he thinking stopping a gigantic squirrel’s lunch?
Especially that lunch.
Look, I’d love to have Otto back, but if he’s going to roll around saving PK we are going to have words.
It may have been a mercy killing. Indigestion ala PK would be a terrible way to die…
Fair point, especially with that new man bun.
Are squirrels allergic to nutmeg and Starbucks?