Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 16)

The scene: An old, possibly haunted, house. A taxi pulls up out front and JJ Fozz, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly and Lord Revisisle get out.

JJ Fozz: This is the place? What a dump.

Lord Revisisle (checking his cell phone): This is where the GPS brought us. 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: This place is spooky. Maybe your GPS is wrong?

Lord Revisisle: Let’s just knock on the door.

JJ Fozz: I can’t believe we flew fourteen hours just for this.

The three approach the door and Lord Revisisle knocks trepidatiously.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (immediately): Welp, looks like there’s no one home!

JJ Fozz: Hold on, dumbass.

The door creaks and opens slowly to reveal a scowling girl in a scout uniform.

Angry Girl Scout: Yeah, whadda you losers want?

Lord Revisisle: Hey, there, little girl, we’re looking for a friend of ours.

Angry Girl Scout: Yeah? Well, goody for you. Maybe you wanna try the Fanny Pack down the street…I bet it’s your kinda place.

Cut to: A scene from the Fanny Pack.

Cut to: 1313 Mockingbird Lane again.

JJ Fozz: She knows you well.

Lord Revisisle (to JJ Fozz): You’re not funny, and you’re not helping.

The door slams shut.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: That’s probably a hint, guys. Maybe we should just go.

JJ Fozz: We’re not going anywhere, dumbass. We came here to find Balls, and that’s what we’re going to do.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (mumbling): So maybe we should go to the Fanny Pack.

JJ Fozz: I heard that, wiseass.

Lord Revisisle knocks on the door again.

Angry Girl Scout (opening the door again): You’re still here?

Lord Revisisle: Look, we’re not leaving until we know where our friend is.

JJ Fozz: We know he’s here, kid. Lord Revisisle here used his fancy-schmancy phone to track him to this address.

Angry Girl Scout: Wait..you’re Lord Revisisle?

Lord Revisisle: I am.

Angry Girl Scout: The Duke of Nøgenhed? The Lord High Overseer af Skud og Øl?

Lord Revisisle: Those are my hereditary titles, yes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Really? I didn’t know that. Does that mean you get to order people aound?

Lord Revisisle: Not so much. Basically I get a lot of coupons for Australian Outback and half-off when I go to Disneyland.

JJ Fozz: This is all very interesting, but in case you hadn’t noticed, she closed the door on us again.

Lord Revisisle and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly look at the closed door.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Aw, man, that girl is a quick thinker. We’re never gonna get past her.

JJ Fozz: The hell we’re not.

JJ Fozz bangs hard on the door.

JJ Fozz: Open up the door, before I get really pissed off!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Standing in the doorway is the Angry Girl Scout. She’s pale now, her eyes a blank white and her hair fluttering in a mysterious wind.

Angry Girl Scout: So, you losers want to play? All right, then, let’s play!

The wind picks up and pulls on the DFOers. Rikki-Tikki-Deadly is pulled in immediately.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: AAAIEEEEE!!!

JJ Fozz grabs onto the dooframe as Lord Revisisle grabs JJ Fozz.

JJ Fozz (over the wind): What the hell…?

Lord Revisisle: Maybe Rikki was right! Maybe we should have just left!

JJ Fozz: Never! Fozzes never quit!

Lord Revisisle: Revisisles do! We quit all the time! We deserted during World War I, we hid out in Baja during World War II, and none of us have ever gotten through a full episode of Californication!

JJ Fozz: Who has? Just hang on! We can get through this togeth-

Lord Revisisle is pulled off of JJ Fozz and sucked into the house.

JJ Fozz: Well, that’s just perfect! Well ol’ JJ Fozz ain’t going down without a fight! I may be a lot of things, but…

JJ Fozz’s grip on the doorframe begins to loosen.

JJ Fozz: …I’m…no…

JJ Fozz loses his frip and is sucked into the house.

JJ Fozz: …dumbassssss!!!

Zoom in on the Angry Girl Scout, grinning evilly as the door slams shut.

Fade to Black.

To be continued…