Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 16)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: An old, possibly haunted, house. A taxi pulls up out front and JJ Fozz, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly and Lord Revisisle get out.

JJ Fozz: This is the place? What a dump.

Lord Revisisle (checking his cell phone): This is where the GPS brought us. 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: This place is spooky. Maybe your GPS is wrong?

Lord Revisisle: Let’s just knock on the door.

JJ Fozz: I can’t believe we flew fourteen hours just for this.

The three approach the door and Lord Revisisle knocks trepidatiously.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (immediately): Welp, looks like there’s no one home!

JJ Fozz: Hold on, dumbass.

The door creaks and opens slowly to reveal a scowling girl in a scout uniform.

Angry Girl Scout: Yeah, whadda you losers want?

Lord Revisisle: Hey, there, little girl, we’re looking for a friend of ours.

Angry Girl Scout: Yeah? Well, goody for you. Maybe you wanna try the Fanny Pack down the street…I bet it’s your kinda place.

Cut to: A scene from the Fanny Pack.

Cut to: 1313 Mockingbird Lane again.

JJ Fozz: She knows you well.

Lord Revisisle (to JJ Fozz): You’re not funny, and you’re not helping.

The door slams shut.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: That’s probably a hint, guys. Maybe we should just go.

JJ Fozz: We’re not going anywhere, dumbass. We came here to find Balls, and that’s what we’re going to do.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (mumbling): So maybe we should go to the Fanny Pack.

JJ Fozz: I heard that, wiseass.

Lord Revisisle knocks on the door again.

Angry Girl Scout (opening the door again): You’re still here?

Lord Revisisle: Look, we’re not leaving until we know where our friend is.

JJ Fozz: We know he’s here, kid. Lord Revisisle here used his fancy-schmancy phone to track him to this address.

Angry Girl Scout: Wait..you’re Lord Revisisle?

Lord Revisisle: I am.

Angry Girl Scout: The Duke of Nøgenhed? The Lord High Overseer af Skud og Øl?

Lord Revisisle: Those are my hereditary titles, yes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Really? I didn’t know that. Does that mean you get to order people aound?

Lord Revisisle: Not so much. Basically I get a lot of coupons for Australian Outback and half-off when I go to Disneyland.

JJ Fozz: This is all very interesting, but in case you hadn’t noticed, she closed the door on us again.

Lord Revisisle and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly look at the closed door.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Aw, man, that girl is a quick thinker. We’re never gonna get past her.

JJ Fozz: The hell we’re not.

JJ Fozz bangs hard on the door.

JJ Fozz: Open up the door, before I get really pissed off!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Standing in the doorway is the Angry Girl Scout. She’s pale now, her eyes a blank white and her hair fluttering in a mysterious wind.

Angry Girl Scout: So, you losers want to play? All right, then, let’s play!

The wind picks up and pulls on the DFOers. Rikki-Tikki-Deadly is pulled in immediately.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: AAAIEEEEE!!!

JJ Fozz grabs onto the dooframe as Lord Revisisle grabs JJ Fozz.

JJ Fozz (over the wind): What the hell…?

Lord Revisisle: Maybe Rikki was right! Maybe we should have just left!

JJ Fozz: Never! Fozzes never quit!

Lord Revisisle: Revisisles do! We quit all the time! We deserted during World War I, we hid out in Baja during World War II, and none of us have ever gotten through a full episode of Californication!

JJ Fozz: Who has? Just hang on! We can get through this togeth-

Lord Revisisle is pulled off of JJ Fozz and sucked into the house.

JJ Fozz: Well, that’s just perfect! Well ol’ JJ Fozz ain’t going down without a fight! I may be a lot of things, but…

JJ Fozz’s grip on the doorframe begins to loosen.

JJ Fozz: …I’m…no…

JJ Fozz loses his frip and is sucked into the house.

JJ Fozz: …dumbassssss!!!

Zoom in on the Angry Girl Scout, grinning evilly as the door slams shut.

Fade to Black.

To be continued…

 

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Horatio CornblowerMoose -The End Is Well NighLow Commander of the Super SoldiersBeastmode Ate My BabyRikki-Tikki-Deadly Recent comment authors
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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Next up: stage directions and musical numbers.

Turn this into the next Hamilton.

jjfozz

“I’m somebody now! Millions of people look at this DICK JOKE WEBSITE everyday!

This is the kind of spontaneous publicity – your name in print – that makes people. I’m in print! Things are going to start happening to me now!”

Mrs. Fozz slowly takes aim at my head with a howitzer.

Horatio Cornblower

Slowly?

nomonkeyfun

She wants to ensure a direct hit the first time. Last thing she wants is a more brain dead Mr. Fozz.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
laserguru

“I had my fanny packed and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“That’s not all you got…”

– your proctologist, looking at the results of your HPV test.

ballsofsteelandfury

Awesome!

Enrico Pallazzo

I’m really rooting for those three because Californication is absolutely awful.

ballsofsteelandfury

It really is. Not even super gratuitous nudity can save it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, no, when you live in California it’s pretty routine to be fucking sexy strangers within ten minutes of meeting them.

nomonkeyfun

I think one of our resident artists needs to give us a drawing of the angry anarchistic girl scouts.
I think the results would be interesting, to say the least.

Horatio Cornblower

/leaps though door

THIS IS A JOB FOR…

someone else. Probably Entropy.

Horatio Cornblower

I can’t believe this lasted to the third comment but…

Man, those guys are in bourble!

Don T

After a teaser like that, the Fanny Back must make an appearance.

Doktor Zymm

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T LET GIRL SCOUTS USE E-COMMERCE SITES TO SELL THE COOKIES!

jjfozz

One of my nieces – who is on the way to being a very pretty woman who is also an enormous bitch – is a Girls Scout.

So she comes to me for an order, and being a great uncle I order 3 boxes (all Tagalongs seriously that’s not even a contest).

And she says, “Is that all? I need to sell like, 20 boxes.”

My response, “Better start pounding the pavement, kid.”, did not endear me to her.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

GET HER OFF THE COOKIE GRIFT OR SHE TURNS INTO THIS

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