Once again, I’ve been given the keys to the DFO Mainframe, but this time I think its less tradition and more desperation.  In this world gone mad, what good is there to talk about?  All sports that have restarted are playing in front of empty seats, so it looks more like a reality show or a Miami Marlins game in the before-times. MLB’s plan of “Trust That Adult Men Will Act Like Grown Ups” failed before the end of the first week and now the theory that “Every Game Counts” is in the process of being proven false.

There are no new movies out or new television shows because of the pandemic.  Your only option for original content is the news, which is like playing a SimCity game where you decide to destroy what you built up from nothing.  The Republicans are stuck with the Killer Tomato who is either intentionally losing the election because he doesn’t want to be President anymore or is so brain damaged from spray tans and tanning booths that he acts the way he acts.  (Twist in Plot: Its both!)  On the flip side, its amusing watching the Democrats try to get excited about a moderate, old white guy running for President.  Its the political equivalent of pretending to be excited getting a pair of jeans on Christmas Morning.

With the year we’ve had, you guys are probably looking forward to me trying to delude myself into looking forward to another Bengals season.

Following up on them crashing and burning at 2-14, the Bengals actually decided to spend some money in Free Agency.  After Mike Brown was confirmed alive and well (and then cancelling the parade while cursing under our breaths), the Bengals fandom started to feel some cautious optimism.  While we didn’t get the elite players that get the press, we didn’t exactly get the roster fillers or the broken down players on their last contract.  While everyone was afraid the Bengals would draft Joe Burrow and call it an Off Season, they decided to see what was available and get players to fill some needs outside of the NFL Draft.  For the first time in a long while, it seems like the Bengals were making a conscious effort to improve the team.  This is how bad it is to be a Bengals fan: we get excited when our team tries!

QB: Andy the Red has moved on, and in his place is Joe Burrow.  To state the obvious, this is an upgrade.  Burrow was great in LSU and if that can translate to the NFL, the Bengals may have picked the right year to simultaneously suck and blow.  Also, he seems to have a swagger that you need to be a successful quarterback.  You have to convince the team to follow you and the team doesn’t follow a timid person afraid to throw the ball.  But we’ll see if that swagger remains after he gets hit a few times or a few of his passes that were TDs on Saturday become Pick-6s on Sunday.

RB: Joe Mixon started slow last year, but got better once the OL started to gel and they started to rely on the running game more.  This is a contract year for Mixon, so if the Bengals don’t extend him, he could be auditioning for another team.

WR: A.J. Green is healthy (again) but he’s pissed off because he’s playing on a Franchise Tag.  If he can show he’s really healthy and has a great year, he could have one last good contact before he retires.  He’s on record saying he doesn’t want to leave Cincinnati, but the fact that he’s was tagged showed he and the Bengals were too far apart.  If he has a great year, he may play himself out of Cincy.  The Bengals still have Tyler Boyd and drafted Tee Higgins, probably because when the Bengals are good, they have multiple good WRs for the QB to choose from.  Also, they have a Plan B in place if Green leaves.

OL/TE: This continues to be the Bengals albatross.  It doesn’t matter who you have throwing, running or catching the balls; if you can’t block the defense, you’re gonna lose.  To their credit, they did look better at the end of the season, but they still went 2-14.  Hopefully, their 1st Round from 2019 stays healthy and makes it to the field for an actual game.  I’m including the Tight End here because they will probably needed an extra blocker to help keep Burrow from getting killed by blind-side rushers.  Also, because, they didn’t really do much here at TE.  They did let Tyler Eifert walk, but at least he was able to walk away.

DL: What used to be a strength is becoming a weakness as age is starting to creep up on DE Carlos Dunlap and DT Geno Atkins.  The Bengals did sign D.J. Reader at DT to breathe new life into this position group.

LB: The Bengals finally realized that this has been the weakest part of their defense by spending two draft picks here.  While they do like to play nickel a lot, that doesn’t work if the two LB can’t cover passes or stop running backs.  It took the Bengals two or three years, but they finally figured that out.

CB/S: Like LB, this group was one the Bengals redid.  Sadly, breaking the trend of fielding 1st Round Picks, they decided to try choosing players that try to defend the pass and stop the WRs from catching the ball.

Special Teams: No change from the last five years.  K Randy Bullock isn’t great but he’s dependable for the most part.  P Kevin Huber is always there to flip the field when needed. LS Clark Harris snaps the ball to them.  That’s all he does.  He gets paid half a million dollars to snap the ball to the punter or the holder in field goals.  He even made the Pro Bowl once.  By snapping the ball.  He was signed because the other long snapper in 2009 couldn’t snap the ball after doing it successfully for nine years.  I don’t have a joke or a comment here.  Mostly because I’m tired, but partly because its weird how long snapper can be both the easiest and hardest job in the NFL.

Coaching: After starting off kind of weird, Zac Taylor redeemed himself by his team not quitting on him in this season.  I’ve seen past Bengals teams quit on rookie coaches.  I’ve seen past Bengals teams quit in the last games of a lost year.  Last year’s team did neither, and that credit goes to Taylor for promoting a culture where the players play for each other and not just for themselves.  Now all we need is for him to not ruin Joe Burrow.  Piece of cake, right?

Quick Look at the AFC North:
Baltimore: Still can’t win a playoff game?  What a bunch of losers!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…oh, wait.
Pittsburgh: Big Ben is supposedly back, but for how long is anyone’s guess.
Cleveland: Pickup the slack for Cincinnati as the talented team who shoots themselves in the foot.

Official 2020 Cincinnati Bengals Prediction:

If COVID-19 wasn’t happening and we had a normal Training Camp and Preseason, I might be foolish enough to have them go 7-9 or 8-8 as they would’ve had more time playing together and working out the flaws.  However, they are not going to have any preseason and they’ll be thrown to the wolves in Week 1 against the Los Angeles Beloved Team Thiefs.  That’s not a good sign.

On the other hand, if there are no fans in the stands, that means any mistakes won’t be magnified.  If Joe Burrow throws a interception, he won’t have his coaches’ and teammates’ reassurances drowned out by 60,000 fans questioning his skills and the promiscuity of his mother.

Does that equal wins?  Does that make up for no preseason?  Was this preview a waste of time because they’re no way the NFL plays this year?

Probably, but at least I distracted you from the world for a few minutes.

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