Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

Well, for this week’s reason, they once levied a tax on men who wore beards.

THE BEARD TAX

Date: 1535

Location: All across England

Let’s talk about Henry VIII a little bit.

Many of you probably already know that Henry VIII was a gigantic piece of shit, who loved murdering women whenever he felt he wasn’t getting horny enough. (This other guy, Shakespeare, wrote a play about it. Maybe you’ve heard of him. In fact, when the play was performed at London’s Globe Theatre in 1613, cannonfire, used for special effects, accidentally burnt the place to the ground. Whoops. Poetic.)

For those looking for a few more details on Henry VIII’s life, much of the sheer ridiculousness of English life, even in the modern times, can be attributed directly back to him. Thanks to his decision to break away from the Catholic Church, spearheading the English Reformation and creating the Anglican Church – all so that he could just get himself a divorce from his stupid first wife Catherine who was too worthless to give him an heir, goddamnit! – over two hundred years of political turmoil followed in the resulting struggles between Anglicans, Calvinists, Puritans, and Catholics, all across the British Isles. Henry VIII, who ended up with six wives in his lifetime, was not a good king – despite modern attempts at rehabilitation by many historians, he was a fat, drunk, lascivious, paranoid, tyrannical asshole, especially in his later years.

The legend of Henry VIII exists predominantly in his well-documented love of women, food, wine, waging war, and spending money – and, naturally, all of that came at a great cost. Henry’s consistent need for money led for some fairly radical changes to English life. Beyond just the split from the Catholic Church and the forming of the Church of England, one of the most lasting changes made was his decision to close all monasteries and convents, and seize all property and revenues paid to the Church. With this money in royal coffers, Henry did well – for a time. But when you’re picking fights with France, Spain, the Holy Roman Empire, and even the Pope himself, there’s not enough money in the world that’s going to guarantee you success.

Before Henry’s dissolution of monasteries and convents, though, he was forced to try… some more unorthodox methods of getting money in his pocket. The weirdest? Unquestionably the tax levied on men who wore beards. According to the law, all men who wore a beard that had been growing for over two weeks were required to pay annually. Apparently, this was a graduated tax, and thus the amount paid varied with social standings. According to the Burghmote Book of Canterbury, the Sheriff of Canterbury apparently paid 3 shillings and 4 ducats for permission to wear his beard long.

Why even tax beards in the first place? A great question. There remains some considerable debate over whether or not this was actually even real in England, or if it’s been an urban legend all along. Regardless of validity, it’s clear that this taxation of personal styles falls in pattern with the Sumptuary Laws that first sprung into existence in England during the mid-14th century. In short, only people of certain social statuses were allowed to wear certain fabrics, colors, and other personal styles, so as to maintain a strict semblance of class divides in society – which, theoretically, were supposed to maintain order. In Peter the Great’s Russia, some 150 years later, beards were considered backward and anathema to his strong Western-looking ambitions for the isolated empire – and thus, they were taxed heavily, in order to incentivize those who might wear them to adapt their behaviour towards the monarch’s more European desires. Russian beard-wearers who paid the tax even had to carry a coin in their pocket at all times, which showed proof of this tax payment.

Henry VIII, being the autocratic fuck he was, would certainly agree that controlling people is good – and getting money from doing so is even better. In perfect hypocritical style, Henry himself wore a beard – but you can bet literally any amount of money there’s not a chance he would’ve paid this tax.

The English being the English, of course, have never quite forgotten about the concept – in 2016, an owner of a UK salon chain proposed a new beard tax to try and help pay down the national debt. Stubble-wearers would be required to pay £50 a year – and full beard-wearers up to £100 a year. I’m absolutely serious. 

National debt, of course, is no longer a real concept. Macroeconomics is no more valid a science in the modern era than Harry Potter wizardry. But to even have the consideration to propose such a ridiculous idea – again? Not a scant of humanity to be found in that. Once again, my conclusion stands – the English cannot be considered human.

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.