Welcome again to What We Drank Last Night.  In-depth beer, wine and liquor reviews are great, but the average North American has neither the time nor the attention span for “notes of smoked blueberry” and “nuances of toast.”  WWDLN aims to fill the void of when your at the liquor store and want to know whether the bottle in front of you is any good without first reading 10 pages on some blogsnob’s preference in tasting glasses.

Wow. I haven’t done one of these since before NuAIDS™ hit North America. Different kind of world to be drinking in. We are apparently keeping the global drinks industry afloat (no pun intended)- for example, Diageo reported an 8.7% net decline in sales through the first half of the year in spite of 2% growth in North America. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, INDIA!

I myself am currently Dry, because trying to lose weight while drinking is like masturbating while trying to swim to shore: sure it’s fun, but that hand could be put to better use.

But here are some things we tried over Pandemica. Remember, this is Audience Participation- add your own experiences in the comments.

Here’s the required format, as set forth in The Holy Writ:

• A picture of the beverage, if available. Can be a stock shot, still life in a glass or being poured over an attractive person’s body.
• A one-sentence description of the beverage.
• One sentence about about what you liked or didn’t like (herbal, too sweet, tastes like Andy Reid’s taintsweat, etc.)
• A picture or gif representing your rating of the beverage, preferably in a humo(u)rous manner.

Today’s beverages will be rated on a Scrubs scale.

PAPA’S PILAR SOLERA 24 YEAR OLD RUM

WHAT’S IT LIKE: Highly alcoholic maple syrup.  I wanted to love it, because I love dark rum and brown sugar, but this might have gone over the top. I’m here to abuse my liver and brain cells, not my pancreas. Bottle was cool, with a neat metal cap on a chain.

VERDICT:

BENROMACH 2008 BATCH 1 CASK STRENGTH

What’s It Like: Little dark chocolate. Little cherry. Juuuuuust a bit of peat  Lotta fucking whisky, especially before you put a little water in it. And you will put a little water in it- ‘cask strength’ is not just a marketing term (57.9% alcohol versus 40-46% in a normal scotch).  I loved this, and it may be my new not-for-my-birthday (i.e. under $70) single malt scotch.

Verdict:

STIEGL GRAPEFRUIT RADLER

What’s It Like: a Zima for the over-30 crowd? I’m told this is an excellent example of the type (radler), which like a shandy is pale beer mixed with fruity Not Beer. I think I understand it on an abstract level- the fruit is supposed to make it more refreshing. But isn’t that what pale beer is for? If you don’t want to taste the beer, don’t drink a beer. If your sole goal is to get ripped without tasting any alcohol, please consult Messrs Bartles and Jaymes.

Verdict:

FINCA SOPHENIA ALTOSUR MALBEC 2018

What It’s Like: being set up on a shitty blind date. A friend of ours gave us this as part of a Pandemic bottle exchange, swearing it was the best $12 bottle of wine ever. Wine Enthusiast opened its review with the phrase “oaky aromas of bacon.” Thus, with high expectations we broke it open and I did a literal spit-take. It tasted like dirt. Not in the fancy wine-snob terrior “Ah yes, this was grown in alkaline soil” sense, but rather the “someone appears to have dumped potting mix in the vat” sense. Dr. Mrs. Mayhem insisted we try it again after letting it oxidize for 24 hours. It was…less bad. I started to get some of the less-alluvial tastes, but it was still dirt-y.

Verdict:

WHAT DID YOU DRINK, MUTHAFUCKAS?