EXT. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot and title card.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: Space Raiders Lost in Space [sic] is filmed in front of a lamb stew duo [sic] audience.

CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The music of The Hotelier blares throughout the house.  KOLTON MILLER, munching from a big bag of pork rinds, has joined HUNTER RENFROW at the dining room table. 

HUNTER RENFROW: [looking upwards, listening to the music] Hmm.  I haven’t heard Derek play the Goodness album in ages.  He must be in a fine mood.  [turns to Kolton] Okay, so the first thing we’ve got to do to play Guardians & Gladiators is create a character for you.

KOLTON MILLER: Okay!

HUNTER RENFROW takes out a pad of graph paper and a pencil, licks the pencil, and poises it over the top sheet.

HUNTER: First order of business! Character names!

KOLTON: Kolton!

HUNTER: No, I mean your character’s name. 

KOLTON: Yeah, I want to call him Kolton.

HUNTER: Um…yeah.  I mean I guess you could name your character after yourself…

KOLTON: Good.

HUNTER: …but I mean I was just thinking you might want to distinguish yourself from your G&G character.  Cause, you know, characters can die.

KOLTON: Oh.  Okay.  I’ll call him Kolton the Brave then.

HUNTER: You, um…you know what? Never mind.  [writes it down] Kolton the Brave it is. [with great theatrics, reaches into the package and pulls out a figurine] Kolton Miller, it is my great pleasure as Defender of Scrolls, Keeper of Secrets, and Master of Tournaments, to introduce to you…Kolton the Brave!

KOLTON: [delighted] Wow!  He’s got a handful of Slim Jims, just like me that time when I didn’t give up any sacks or penalties in a game and Coach Gruden took me to the Circle K and told me I could get as much of any one thing as I wanted!

HUNTER: Second order of business!  Character classes!

KOLTON: Oh you mean like those things that the league said Vontaze was supposed to take but then he ended up skipping all of them because they conflicted with what he said was his cockfighting ring but it turns out he was actually forcing junior high kids to do the fighting?

HUNTER: No, these are different. There’s a few basic character classes in G&G.  The classes basically define what the character does. 

KOLTON: Like offense and defense? 

HUNTER: Sort of, but not quite.  Let me give you an example: what are your responsibilities with the Raiders?

KOLTON: Keep people away from Derek.

HUNTER: That’s right! And…?

KOLTON: Push people out of Josh’s way so he can score touchdowns.

HUNTER: Yup!  Anything else?

KOLTON: Oh, and keep my weight up!

HUNTER: Um, yeah, actually, that’s going to be kind of a subclass of  the “tenacity” attribute.  We’ll get to that in a bit, though.  What you’re describing, that sounds like your job is to protect people – Josh, and Derek.  And you’re also responsible for protecting some territory – the backfield.

KOLTON: Yeah, pretty much.

HUNTER: So that means your character is a “Guardian”.  That class of characters basically fulfill the job of protecting people and territory.  

KOLTON: Well who do I protect?

HUNTER: Other characters! 

KOLTON: And who do I protect them from?

JONATHAN ABRAMS: [ominously] People like me.

HUNTER: JESUS!

Hearing JONATHAN ABRAMS’ voice come from directly behind him, HUNTER RENFROW jumps in surprise, scattering the items on the table in his consternation.  JONATHAN ABRAMS laughs and moves around the table to face HUNTER, bringing their faces uncomfortably closes together.

HUNTER: [picking up the items he has dropped] Fuck.  How long have you been standing there, Jonathan? 

JONATHAN: A little while.  Working on my stealth technique.  Silent, you know? Get in one good pop like that and you’ve got fools hearing footsteps in their mind.  

HUNTER: [obviously shaken] Okay, yeah.

JONATHAN: So I want to be a Kraken.

HUNTER: A kraken?

JONATHAN: In your game.  I want to be a Kraken character.  You know, eating up sailors and shit?

HUNTER: Oh.  Well, you see, the maritime adventures, that’s part of an expansion pack that…[trails off into silence as JONATHAN ABRAMS stares at him]…okay, you see, Krakens are kind of, well, not really having a good news cycle, they’re a bit of a laughingstock…[still facing JONATHAN ABRAMS’ stare]…hey, I’ve got an idea.  [reaches into the package again] How about having your character be one of these guys?

JONATHAN: [examines it] Yeah…yeah.  I like that.  It’s like a land kraken.  What are those face tentacles for?

HUNTER: He uses those tentacles to eat other characters’ brains.  He’s called a “mind flayer”.

JONATHAN: Oh, fuck yeah.  Sign me up.

JONATHAN ABRAMS joins KOLTON MILLER at the table, both of them sitting opposite from HUNTER RENFROW.

HUNTER: Okay, okay, this is actually a good teaching moment.  [to KOLTON] Now Jonathan here, he plays defense, right.  So you’re probably thinking that he’d be a Guardian too.

KOLTON: He’s not?

HUNTER: Nope.  You know how Jonathan is basically looking to put someone in the hospital every single series?

JONATHAN: Play, but…yeah.

HUNTER: That makes him prime Gladiator material.  Gladiators are out there to conquer.

JONATHAN: And eat peoples’ brains and shit.

HUNTER: Exactly.  So it’s kind of like, if you look at all the guys in the house like Jonathan and Josh Jacobs – those guys are gladiators.  It’s mostly running backs and linebackers, the guys that make a lot of contact.  And all the big uglies – guys like you and Rodney and Clelin – you guys are more the guardian type.  And then there’s your other character classes.

KOLTON: Like what?

HUNTER: Well, you’ve got your field generals, like Derek.  Those guys are called “Captains”.  

JONATHAN: I wanna eat Derek’s brain.

HUNTER: In time, in time.  The Captains are responsible for making all the tactical decisions, like where the Gladiators are going to attack and where the Guardians are going to defend, that sort of stuff.  And then you’ve got your specialists – your speed guys, your slot receivers, your punt returners. Those guys are called…wait for it…Hunters.

KOLTON: Oh, like you!

HUNTER: [smiles modestly] Well, yeah. The Hunters are the guys that attack via speed, or stealth, or sometimes trickery. 

KOLTON: Speed? Oh, neat!  I bet Henry Ruggs III would make a good Hunter character, we should ask if he wants to play!

JONATHAN: RGGIII ain’t playing shit, he’s got chemo treatment today.

KOLTON: Chemo treatment?  Wait, Henry has cancer?

JONATHAN: Yeah, man.  You didn’t know?

HUNTER: You didn’t hear Gregg Williams making the “Make-A-Wish” playcall from the sideline?

KOLTON: I mean, I heard it, I just didn’t know what it meant.

HUNTER: Okay, so we’ve got Guardians, and Gladiators, and Hunters, and Captains.  Those are the four player character classes.  There’s a few other non-player-character classes. 

KOLTON: What’s a non-player-character?

HUNTER: They’re called NPC’s for short.  It’s basically a character in the game, but they aren’t real people.

JONATHAN: Oh, you mean like prostitutes.

HUNTER: What? Prostitutes are real people.

JONATHAN: Yeah, but Jerry Jones said…

HUNTER: You’ve got to stop talking to that guy. Anyways, yes.  Prostitutes in the game would not be characters that you could play.  They’d be members of the “courtesan” class.  And then there’s “Lords and Ladies” who are the members of the aristocracy who finance – and profit from – the tournaments, expeditions, and adventures undertaken by the player characters. 

KOLTON: Jerry Jones again!

HUNTER: Yup.  And there’s “Vassals” who are all the spectators and stuff, and “Criers” who are basically the press but sometimes they’re also spies.  And then there’s “Generals” who are strategists who deal with preparation and stuff, and sometimes even can communicate with the adventuring party in the middle of battles if you get a hold of certain artifacts.  

JONATHAN: Like Gruden.

KOLTON: And Surfin’ Jack!

HUNTER: That’s right!  But first, we’ve got to start developing your characters.  Kolton the Brave is a Guardian, and…Jonathan, what’s your character’s name?

JONATHAN: Kraken.  Kraken the Ravenous.

HUNTER: [impressed] Cool.  Okay, next we’ll be rolling dice to determine your character attributes…