You want one of these? You know you do, you know how you get one? You earn it by working hard and spilling hot blood.

So I wake to a glorious morning and pack my bags. You see I’m off to Reedley California. 202 miles of searing road that leads to just one place.

“Why the hell are you doing that?” You ask?

Football!

 Glorious live football played right in front of my very eyes, but first I have to make a quick stop in Bakersfield, stop laughing at my folly.

No matter how hard I try every time I get near the place I hear Dwight (Yes I know it was written by Buck Owens But I like“D-White’s” version better) Yoakam’s “The Streets of Bakersfield” playing in my head, see now you’re hearing it too.

It’s 9:30 in the morning, 88 degrees and  sweat is pouring down my face.

Have you ever been to Wasco? Man what a town, they really have it all.

They have a get this, a McDonald’s inside their Wal-mart, well dip me in shit and roll me in pubic hairs!

You ever heard of such a thing?

It takes three hours and twenty minutes to arrive in Kingsburg (no stopping, just push on), check my watch it’s 12:40 kick off is 1:00 better hustle ass over to Reedley.

 Driving through (Yes at a brisk rate) endless miles of fields of raisins right out there in the middle of nowhere, this is the place where Sun-Maid raisins be born.

The sun let’s me know that I’m no longer in L.A.

Now junior college is a very interesting road if you choose to take it. Most of the players have a reason for being there. Some players have let’s say issues, be they shitty grades, sex, drugs or stupidity. But for most guys it’s they didn’t get a scholarship last year so they have to prove it again at this next level.

Turn to my left

One of the guys on this year’s squad chose to transfer from one school to another which would have forced him to sit out a year. Too avoid (My son said to me that he has the most talent of any player he has EVER coached, returned a punt for a touchdown during this game, stopped on a dime and made an ankle breaking cut, top end speed? Scary) losing a year of eligibility he chose to play at the Junior (some parts of the country they are called “Community” college) level instead of wasting an entire year.

Turn to my right

For some guys this is the end of the road, maybe the last game they ever play, for others? It’s a chance to get filmed and hopefully send the videos to other schools and hope for an offer next year, if nothing else you are on tape playing at this remarkable level. 

HERE COME THE MONSTERS

For others you perhaps asked? Well now have you ever heard of super stud Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen? Went to the football school under my boys tutelage. That’s right, he was a freaking Reedley Tiger!

Having scared myself shitless these last 18 months with anti-maskers and the fools who listen to a WRONG white god, (these mental deficient mouth breather’s think they know more than the scientists.) This is to be my first venture to where I knew there would be mask less assholes very near to my well being, I simply had to go, it’s my boy, it’s LIVE football played right in front of me, the sound of 22 large humans running close together, you can feel the fierce velocity of their collective breaths, the ground thrums with menace.

If I only waited 2 more seconds this was a sack

 Nothing like watching young men barfing up a colorful display, the color depends on their flavored water of choice.

The last two years the Reedley Tigers have won back to back world championships and in doing so have now been promoted to a new conference but alas, some of the teams in the new league? Not so much, including this one, I was told before the game that it may get ugly, it did. 35-0 at the half and nary a starter since early in the first quarter, 

You ever seen a really bad scrimmage? 

The Siskiyous Eagles hail (as close as I can find Northern California/Southern Oregon indigenous peoples) from Weed California, (doesn’t it just sound magical?) Their starters played the whole game, the Reedley starters were taking a nap but during the fourth quarter the 4th string offense gave up a lackadaisical turnover that led to a garbage touchdown which in turn made my boy visibly unhappy, he brought out the dry erase board to drive home his point, so forceful son.

After half time “Sitting in the sun I’m about to melt” (hey that sounds like a System lyric, you’re going to get sued!) I have officially had enough.

IS IT JUST ME?

In case you were to have been following, the Tigers took their collective foot off the gas after half, final score 38-6, could have been worse, MUCH worse.

To tell the whole tale true and proper I left with 3 minutes to go in the fourth, my fat sunburned, old ass needed a beer and right soon.

Straight to the hotel where I have left (on an earlier visit) a vast array of accoutrement for an air conditioned alcohol fueled college football madness night and off to early bed as I have to drive straight back home in the morning. Go Tigers (no damn it, Memphis)!

How does one end a perfect football weekend, why opening day of the NFL of course, up early to mosey off to the old homestead when just outside of Pixley (look it up) I see a string of lights, a long string of lights in my rearview mirror, a line of what can only be motorcycles coming up fast behind me.

Did I ever tell you about the best motorcycle I ever owned? Damn was it beautiful, a jet black shiny demon, the way the moonlight reflected off the gas tank? Gorgeous. 

Crap where was I? 

Oh yeah motorcycles surrounding my little Honda and as they passed I noticed they were all wearing matching jackets, and not just any jackets but black jackets with big logos on the back, they all said “Hells Angles” (yes I did it on purpose, I don’t want those crazy groomers on my tail), I kid you not.

Astounded I was, astounded, are you even allowed to wear those things? I mean seriously it’s 8:40 on a Sunday morning. Am I dreaming this? Are they even legal? I counted around 60, after 30 I stopped looking at them, felt like I was getting the old stink eye.

 Clock runs for 67 minutes. I’m further south when I look in my rearview again and guess who lurks about? Yes ma’am and sirs, more of the same black jackets, at this point I kind of wanted to join them for some dangerous behaviors.

Around these same electric moments the radio starts saying scary things about a fire burning in the Los Angeles area on the very road I find myself on, the southbound 5 it’s burning on both sides of the freeway near Castaic Lake, cool.

Clock runs for 37 minutes. Now there’s black smoke filling the skies, super cool.

Usually this piece of ground I’m driving on is four lanes wide on both sides, today however, fire trucks, cops, blazing madness, gods look out, it’s a shit storm!

It lasted about 4 scary minutes then right back to 72 on my cruise control.

The things we do for our mania, I know I’m one of us.

The story I told earlier about the punt return kid? I was fortunate enough to be in the stands only a few feet from the family of the guy, and his mom? She made the whole game magic, when he broke off that punt return? Man the joy in those faces? I think that’s what it’s all about, getting to hear some beautiful mom say that’s my boy, that one there? That’s my boy.

Hey, I had a boy involved in that game also, I wonder if I had joy on my face? Nah just gassy.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR MORE

To be fair to the mascot, a million years ago I had to do the half time show at a basketball game featuring two very prominent college teams.

Worst night of my life!

Yes, That is indeed a much younger and very high D J TAJ under that sweaty head, OH And hey KIX 106 is that your chicken suit?  Todays best country my smelly old ass!

Boire du sang vaginal

Thank you for tolerating my silliness.

I do realize it was 9-11-21, 20 years to the day and they did a nice memorial before the game but it wasn’t meant to make the story, hey, I went to my grand kid’s birthday party during the same weekend and watched two women who I like get into a shouting match that caused my early departure but it didn’t matter to the story either.

The best part of the weekend ? Was getting home in time to see my Saints smoke that Packer ass, now that’s fun.

Any time you’re ready Chris Paul, I see you ducking me, one of these days I am going to catch YOU at a bowling alley and then it’s on, three games for series, you choose the house and I’m there.

TAJ 9-2021