Guest Lecture Series: Eli Manning and How to Select Your Horcrux

Editor’s Note: Hello, and welcome to the DFO Guest Lecture Series!  Over the following weeks and months we’ll be welcoming some familiar faces from the NFL to speak to our readers about topics that are near and dear to their hearts.  Our inaugural speaker is none other than Super Bowl winning quarterback Elisha Nelson Manning.  Thanks for joining us!

Okay, so last week when playing Fortnite I was kicking butt all over the place – what can I say, practice makes perfect – and somebody said that the only way to take me down would be to destroy my Horcrux and somebody else said that it was probably one of my Super Bowl rings.  I told people that would be a dumb thing to use for a Horcrux, but then a Golden Cube appeared on the far side of Lazy Lake so I didn’t get a chance to explain why.  So I thought I’d take this opportunity to explain what you should be thinking about when trying to track down an evil wizard’s Horcrux.

Before I begin, I want to throw in a disclaimer: making a Horcrux is one of the most evil things you can do.  Like, seriously.  This isn’t supposed to be a guide for making your own Horcrux.  That’s dark magic and I won’t get involved in that, ever.  And don’t start throwing hypothetical situations at me, like “what if a Death Eater disguised as the cable repairman cast a Vinus Restrainus curse on Abby and you had to cast a Cruciatus spell to get him to release her?” I got news for you, buddy – something like that happened just last week and it was easily resolved without having to resort to the Dark Arts (turns out it was just a big misunderstanding).  There’s always a way to avoid using the Dark Arts.  But if you’re facing an evil wizard like Kcihcileb or Ydrabmot [footnote to Eli’s fan fiction] and want to have any hope whatsoever, you’re going to want to carefully consider the factors that went into their thinking when they selected the item they’re using as a Horcrux.  As Professor McGonagall would say: the foundation of good wizardry is good preparation.

First off, you have to consider the environment of the time period you live in.  Sure, back in the Hogwarts’ Founders Era you could sink your soul into a statue or something and other than having birds poop on the physical embodiment of your soul, ha ha, you’d be fine.  But according to my old pal Philip Rivers (yes, we’re actually friends!) cancel culture is ruining America and soon Black Lives Matters is going to tear down every statue of anything, ever.  You’ve got to think long-term – what’s an item where you can deposit your soul where it can reside forever without being destroyed by a bunch of ANTIFAs?

The first thing that comes to mind – and those jokers at Fortnite actually weren’t wrong to think of it – would be a piece of jewelry like one of my Super Bowl rings.  But you’ve got yourself a problem here, because a piece of jewelry like that is valuable to everyone.  Nobody’s ever tried to steal either of mine – as far as I know! – but it’s not too hard to imagine.  And if the burglar wasn’t a Giants fan, they’d probably pluck off the diamonds to sell and then melt down the platinum.  And then you’re in deep doggie-doo.  And that’s not even considering the prospect of ending up like my old teammate Tiki and having to sell off your runner-up ring to pay child support. So you really don’t want to go with something that has too much outright monetary value.

Now some people – mostly Ravenclaws – will tell you that an action figure is a pretty safe bet.  And you’ll say “but isn’t he going to get all banged up when I’m playing around with him?” and they’ll say “just leave it in the original packaging, dummy!”  But hello, they’re called ACTION figures, not “original packaging” figures.  You’re gonna leave Fisto sitting all alone in some cellophane while the Evil Warriors gain the upper hand and he could end this all with just one punch? I don’t think so.  I don’t think so.  And then there’s the prospect of someone’s mom – we won’t name names here but don’t you think “Olivia” is a pretty one? – deciding that it’s time to clear out all of that “kid stuff” and your Horcrux ends up on the curb somewhere in a box that says “Free Toys”.  Good luck tracking your soul vessel down when that happens.  Call me if you have any luck.  Oh, by the way, my number is 218-FAT-CHANCE.

Your best bet is going to be something that won’t get lost, won’t wear out, and that nobody is ever going to throw away, ever.  No, not a report card, hah!  It’s gotta be something that isn’t particularly valuable in terms of dollars and cents, but is priceless to you.  And it’s gotta be something that you could easily track down if it ended up on eBay or something like that.  I don’t mind telling you what mine would be, since like I said I’m never going to mess around with the Dark Arts.  Here it is!

My dad even got them to all sign it for me when he met them on a business trip (it’s crazy how much all their signatures look like his).  And the best part? You can keep your sloppy joes in there! Ha ha ha!  Anyhow, thanks for coming to my talk.  Keep your wand tip up, and never trust a Slytherin!