Good morning! I… Oh. I see. Yeah, I can get you some Plan B, but you really need to be more discreet about this in future. I promise I won’t even ask which cheerleader it was this time… Hey, just thank your lucky stars that I’m still able to help you with this little issue. Consider yourself lucky we’re in San Diego and not Oklahoma or Texas… that’s just despicable behavior, and not to mention poor business sense.

Hey, just be thankful you weren’t around a few years back when Candy was part of the squad. She would’ve kept it, you know. She was into all that holistic stuff. I helped a couple gentlemen smooth things over in the end, but I sure did learn a lot about some of her pregnancy ideas after the rumors started flying through the Stadium about how she had the kid. Here’s a pamphlet if you want to know more!

DOLPHINS AND YOU: WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING

What are the positives of this treatment?

Human beings are allegedly the smartest animals on the planet, but there have been numerous instances over the last 100,000 years or so that call this assumption into question. What is definitively clear, however, is that dolphins are almost certainly one of the smartest animals outside of human beings. Dolphins and humans have had a special relationship throughout recorded history; from Greece to India to the Amazon, dolphins have played a part in rituals and mythology in cultures across the world. While captive dolphins, used especially for entertainment purposes, were a reasonably common attraction through the 20th century, their widespread appeal has diminished in recent decades – in part due to the growing understanding by humans of the level of intelligence that dolphins possess, and the growing popularity of arguments that keeping such smart and independent creatures in captivity is immoral.

With companies like SeaWorld taking a hit in the pocketbook in recent years, some trainers and researchers have begun to look for more ethical uses of the human-dolphin relationship – and since the early 2000s, dolphin-assisted therapy (DAT) has gradually become more prominent. The actual ethics of this treatment method continue to be hotly contested by animal trainers, biologists, and medical experts to this very day, however.

First launched in the 1970s by a woman named Betsy Smith, who noted the positive effects that dolphins had on her mentally ill brother, there are two common uses of DAT that have become available in the alternative health care market: one version is tailored especially to patients with autism, mental and emotional illnesses, while another deals especially with pregnancy help.

For both varieties of the treatment, advocates feel that repeated sessions of playing in the water with dolphins helps to alleviate negative behaviours or experiences, or in the case of pregnancy, to stimulate labor and to help ensure healthy, easy births. (According to some, the ultrasonic emissions of dolphins are supposed to be good stimulation for the fetus’ brain.) As dolphins are, by most accounts naturally very loving, supportive, and sociable creatures and can apparently innately sense a person’s emotions and needs, these are all apparently qualities that can promote a lot of positive health benefits in a variety of health issues. Some practitioners even claim that the babies born to those who have undertaken DAT can walk and talk up to six months earlier than those who haven’t done the treatment.

As it turns out, there are myriad potential drawbacks: first and foremost is the cost. Many dolphin-assisted therapy programs cost thousands for multiple sessions over the course of a week, or sometimes longer; that makes it a non-starter for many people who might otherwise consider it a worthwhile treatment. Not to mention the fact that no health insurance plan would even cover it anyway.

Moreover, there’s the more pressing issue that it probably doesn’t actually work. The original 2005 study out of the University of Leicester stated that DAT was an effective treatment for those suffering mild to moderate depression; however, it has since been roundly criticized for methodology problems, particularly for not using the data to compare whether or not it was more effective in comparison to merely keeping a pet in the home or the use of a therapy animal.

Finally, some anti-DAT advocates claim that it’s not actually the dolphins causing any change in patients; for those with autism or mental illness, the “reward” of getting to swim with and/or feed the dolphins is more the incentive of changing any unwanted behavior, rather than the dolphins causing any healing energy to be transferred to the patient.

Plus, the dolphins are still in tight, enclosed spaces. While dolphin attacks are rare, they have happened – and they have killed human transgressors too.

What are some real-life examples of this treatment? 

There are several places in the world that purportedly offer dolphin-assisted birthing options for prospective clients; of special note is the Sirius Center, out of Pahoa, Hawaii, which states on their official website is to “dolphinize” the planet – the founders intend on integrating human and cetacean culture to live together in perfect harmony. (Their second goal is to establish human life on other planets, which seems comparatively easy compared to the first goal.) They also have links to controversial Russian midwife and waterbirth pioneer Igor Charkovsky, who allegedly experimented with waterbirths using the “help” of free, non-captive dolphins in the Black Sea during the 1970s and ’80s. In addition to his controversial methods, Charkovsky has also faced sex assault charges in Massachusetts and charges relating to the death of an infant he was “treating” while on a secret trip to Israel.

How can we improve this treatment for the future?

Everyone knows that if you want something done perfectly, without any mistakes, you should call in the 1972 Miami Dolphins for help. All those guys are old and retired now, sure, but they’ll get it right – unlike these showboaters splashing around in the water. They don’t even have fingers! How can you catch a football like that, let alone even learn how to provide medical care? I much prefer land-based dolphins to water-based ones when it comes to solving problems as a team.

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.