EXT. PATRIOTS TRAINING FACILITY – DAY

A pair of New England Patriots coaches are standing in front of a grill loaded up with all kinds of meat.  There are burgers, turkey burgers, salmon burgers, bratwurst, knockwurst, cheddarwurst, hot dogs, hot links, pretty much every kind of meat that can be cooked over hot flames is represented.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble I can’t believe I agreed to this shit grumble grumble.

JOE JUDGE: I hear you, Bill.  But you told the boys if they beat Cleveland and got us to 3 and 3, you’d do it.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble the idea of getting some kind of reward for beating the Browns just makes me sick to my stomach grumble grumble.

JOE JUDGE: Hey, a promise is a promise.  And speaking of stomachs, the boys are looking pretty hungry!

A gaggle of Patriot players in street clothes amble up to the pair of coaches.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble welcome to Bill’s Grill how can I help you grumble grumble?

MIKE ONWENU: Wow!  This looks incredible, Coach!  I gotta say, none of us believed you would actually do this.  At least, not without some kind of catch involved, like making us do up-downs to the point where we lose our appetite first, or sneaking into Lucas Oil Stadium and putting new batteries into all those spycams you’ve got set up.  I’ll take two brats and a triple cheeseburger.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble well I’ve got good news for you son there actually is a catch grumble grumble.

MIKE ONWENU: Come on, coach, you’re joking, right?

JOE JUDGE: When’s the last time you remember Coach Belichick telling a joke, son?

MIKE ONWENU: [face falls] Aw, man…

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble the brats are free…[deposits a pair of brats onto a paper plate]…but the cheeseburger’s got a price what is your job on an E/T stunt if the Sam linebacker comes in as a green dog grumble grumble.

MIKE ONWENU: [brightens] Oh, that’s an easy one, Coach!  Pass my guy off to Isaiah, then I pick up the blitzer.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble good work enjoy your burger grumble grumble.

MIKE ONWENU: [holds up the plate with the burger] Hey, can I get some grilled onions with this?

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble that depends if you’ve got the blitzer and Isaiah’s got the end, then who’s got the tackle coming around the back side of the stunt grumble grumble?

MIKE ONWENU: Tight end isn’t running a route, so…him.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble good job here’s your onions who’s next grumble grumble?

JONNU SMITH: Wow!  This looks delicious!  Except you forgot to put on your chef’s hat. A certain coach taught me you can get penalized for taking off your headgear before the whistle blows.  [raises a hand to his ear] And I didn’t hear no whistle.

Grumbling with frustration, BILL BELICHICK dons a white chef’s cap.

BILL BELICHICK: Goddamnit grumble grumble welcome to Bill’s Grill what’ll it be grumble grumble

JONNU SMITH: I’ll take one of those things where you split a hot dog and serve it on top of a burger…what are those called again?

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble how the fuck would I know okay first tell me what injuries are the Jets safeties currently dealing with grumble grumble?

JONNU SMITH: Let’s see…Jordan Whitehead has a sore ankle, Lamarcus Joyner dislocated his shoulder a month ago and still isn’t 100%, Tony Adams jammed his index finger and is still playing with it taped, and Will Parks…let me see…I think he’s healthy.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble pretty close, son, Will Parks had some fluid drained from his knee an hour ago grumble grumble

JONNU SMITH: But how I was I supposed to…

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble that’ll be one lap, son, once you’re done you can have your hot dog burger whatever the fuck this thing is grumble grumble

JONNU SMITH: Aw, come on, coach, I’m hungry.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble each wrong answer gets you one lap, you want me to start asking more questions?

JONNU SMITH: No!

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble better get moving then grumble grumble.

JONNU SMITH turns away dejectedly and begins jogging a lap around the practice field.

BILL BELICHICK: [aside to JOE JUDGE, handing him a plate] grumble grumble give him this when he’s back grumble grumble ALL RIGHT WHO’S NEXT IN LINE AT BILL’S GRILL?

BAILEY ZAPPE: [makes finger guns motion at COACH BELICHICK] Zzzzzzz-ap!  Zzzzzzzz-ap!

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble for the love of God cut that shit out grumble grumble.

BAILEY ZAPPE: [stands there smiling]

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble what the fuck do you want to eat, dipshit grumble grumble?

BAILEY ZAPPE: I’ll just take a couple of salmon burgers, coach.

BILL BELICHICK slaps a pair of salmon burgers onto buns and hands them to BAILEY ZAPPE, who turns to leave.

JOE JUDGE: Aren’t you going to…

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble I do not want to spend one single solitary second longer than I have to speaking to that imbecile I swear to God they get dumber every year grumble grumble

JOE JUDGE: Ah.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble one thing I do love about these rookies though…I get older, their moms stay the same age grumble grumble.

Another patron arrives.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble welcome to Bill’s…hey wait a minute now what in the sam hell are you doing here?

ANDY REID: Put that spatula down, Coach Belichick, and step away from the grill.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble knock it off Andy you know it’s against league rules for you to show up here, even if we aren’t practicing grumble grumble.

ANDY REID: Who are you calling “Andy?  My name is “Sandy”.  But only my friends call me that.  And you and me?  We’re not friends.  The name’s Sanford.  Sanford Sneed.

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble fine what the hell are you doing here, “Sneed”, the meat is for Patriots only.

ANDY REID slaps a badge onto the table.

ANDY REID: I’m a Federal Barbecue Inspector, Coach Belichick. And you’re in a whole heap of trouble.

To Be Continued…