Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
The best thing to hold onto in life is each other [in bed].
Audrey Hepburn

Totes.

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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CONGRATS, LIONS! pic.twitter.com/7fQlxOoA27

— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) January 9, 2023

Sharkbait

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[DOOR SLOWLY CREAKS OPEN]

a disheveled, exhausted LemonJello stumbles into the clubhouse

“MEN, OH MEN! I JUST FLEW IN FROM DUUUUUVALLLLLLLL AND BOY, IS MY BANDANA WRAPPED WING-WANG TIRED!”

[DOOR FLIES CLOSED]
LemonJello

“Fine line between c-ring and tourniquet with the bandanna knots those wives tie down there!”

-U Meyer
blaxabbath

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Dean Pees is retiring. And not just to the lavatory this time.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you gotta go, you gotta go.
Sharkbait

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You are amazing at the prediction game! There’s still a billion bucks up for grabs with the MegaMillions. Any numbers between 1 and 70 you’d care to share?
Gumbygirl

Sharkbait

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We have turned off this game and turned on “Old Enough”.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Matt Gaetz documentary?
Mr. Ayo

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A Jets fan who hates Qaaron just sat down at the bar!
Doktor Zymm

A Jets fan hates everything and everyone, especially themselves.
WCS

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THESE GUYS THE GEORGIA BULLDOGS I CALL THEM THE ROMAN EMPEROR DIOCLETIAN BECAUSE THEY ARE SLAUGHTERING THE CHRISTIANS.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Aaaaaaand Ladd McConkey was just described as both “gritty” and a “lunchpail kid” in the same sentence. Just say Caucasian, guys. We can already do the math.

Bill Belichick has already submitted his draft card.
Col. Duke LaCross

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what time did this game start?
Spur

Time is a meaningless construct.
LemonJello

“And keeps ticking, ticking, ticking into the futurrrrrrrre…. But it also tends to repeat itself!”

-Steve Miller, after reading Nietzsche
scotchnaut

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Damn, it’s 14-0 already.

/waits for comment to be true
scotchnaut

I may have talked Litre out of a UGA wager, ATS.

In summation, NEVAR listen to Hippo.
King Hippo

If yinz can’t trust a sentient, talking semi-aquatic mammal with an opioid addiction then who can yinz trust?
WCS

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So we have a Stetson Bennett iV, and a Ladd McConkey on Georgia. Where the hell is Colt Cootchknuckle Jr?

/Did just bet On McHonkey to score though.
litre_cola

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Fuck it, I’m calling it. This is a retirement-level event for the boys.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Good morning! Why is Gumbygirl up at the crack o’ dawn, you’re asking yourselves? I have to get bloodwork that my doctor will yell at me for. Screw her, she’s not the boss of meeee-[ drops dead of a high cholesterol induced heart attack]
Gumbygirl

Uh, need I remind you of the Prime Directive* of the Clubhouse?

no dying, unless approved by a majority* of the membership

**we all vote like we’re picking a new Speaker of the House
LemonJello

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Over at the snack bar:

Brick Meathook

I assume the Helicoptor [sic] Pie is made with 100% pure Kobe meat?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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My other golf story-

Me: [shanks yet another ball, throws club as far as I can] “I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME.”

Dad: [laughing] “Your club went farther than your tee shot.”

Me: “I KNOW!!!”
scotchnaut

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Something to try would be playing Bingo Bango Bongo.

it’s a golf game where you get points for things
Bingo – first on the green
Bango – closest to the hole once on the green
Bongo – first to hole out.

This gives everyone a chance at points
Game Time Decision

Golf story – I had heard of ‘the snake’. Last person to triple-putt has to carry The Snake around. Some kind of mark of shame; rubber snake, stuffed snake, whatever. So as a properly punitive snake, I go to an adult bookstore and buy ‘Mandingo’. None of the chickenshits I golfed with – wife, brother, me – wanted to take the chance of having that big ol’ thing sticking out of the top of their golf bag because of their shitty putting, so it ended up in one of the big pouches that were on my golf bag.

A few years and a couple of new golf bags later, my wife and I are cleaning out our golf bags and throwing away all the old cruft that piles up in there. Where’s Mandingo, anyway? Oh shit! Mandingo is in my old golf bag, the one that I gave to my father-in-law when I gave him my old clubs. Father-in-law wasn’t told about Mandingo. Surprise! Ginormous fake black dick!

But nobody at the in-laws ever said anything like, “I found this, er, thing in your old golf bag. What gives?” Sneaking around looking in the bag or in the house at the in-laws drew a blank. We sure as hell weren’t gonna ask. Spouse might have snuck off with it and put on a good act afterwards, but if she did she didn’t complain any more than usual as a result.
BugEyedBoo

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Wow, with all the dumb shit Elon has been doing with Twitter, I totally missed the dumb shit he is doing in Vegas
Doktor Zymm

Watch him somehow dig into the Hoover Dam’s aquafer.
WCS

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Hippo, why didn’t you tell us you had your own ice cream flavor?!

Doktor Zymm

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I am assembling a new piece of furniture tonight. Pray for me.

Right now I’m still in Stage One: Unwarranted Confidence (“This doesn’t look that hard!”)
Dunstan

Start drinking and make it a proper challenge.
Mr. Ayo

Way ahead of you.
Dunstan

End result:

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Now in Stage Two: Doubts Creep In (“Is this supposed to go there? Also, my back is getting sore.”)
Dunstan

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Furniture assembly has passed through Stage Three (“Oh fuck, this isn’t working, do I need to undo several steps?”) and into Stage Four (“Crisis averted, time for a beer before I tackle the last stretch, surely nothing else will go wrong.”)
Dunstan

What happened to the throw shit stage? I don’t think you’re doing it right, you should hit it with a hammer at least, for Chrissakes!
Gumbygirl

I have passed through Stage Five (curse while looking for missing part, discover it has rolled under the couch), Stage Six (holy shit I think I’m done), Stage Seven (fuck, these parts keep slipping out of place), and Stage Eight (just fucking apply brute force to them)…

and I’m done! Victory is mine!
Dunstan

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How did they find Jim Caldwell?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Mr. Ayo

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You [Alex] don’t ever have to apologize for producing too much content.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I was wondering about this too…

2Pack

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I’m going to defer to The Guy Who Fought The Other Tall Guy Over Andrea on how to avoid meetings:

WCS

I mean, if you have no shame just say you have diarrhea. And if you’re really committed to the bit, shit your pants at a meeting or two and you’re home free.
Mr. Ayo

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Well, for the first time in (checks) holy fuck, two years, I bought strings.

I forgot, strings are expensive. Especially buying 2 sets plus another A and E.
Senor Weaselo

I remember being friends with an orchestra geek. He would deliberately go out of his way to work his favorite equipment malfunction into conversation:

“Hey guys, want to hear about the time I broke my G-String?”
Brocky

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I feel like my day is not going to start until the playoffs do.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Purdy: playing like he’s too damn young to realize that this is supposed to be hard.
Petronel

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Oh that’s nice, “had a bad day” montage.

In the NFL there are Face teams and there are Heels, and Seattle forever will be a Heel.
Recovery Whiskey

never forget

fleshwound_NPG

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Before Sports Betting: “This is an exciting Seattle-San Francisco game.”

After Sports Betting: “THROW IT TO MCCAFFEREY! YOU’RE COSTING ME A HUNDRED DOLLARS!”
Redshirt

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It’s raining here too!

Gumbygirl

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[CACKLES IN BOLTMAN]
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DOOR FALLS OFF HINGES]
LemonJello

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Alright, one more lap around Fortrress LemonJello and then its off to bed!

See ya’ll tomorrow for MOAR FITBAW!

DDDDUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuVVVVVAAAAAAaaaaaaLLLLLLLLLllllllll!!!!!
LemonJello

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That kicker is never going to have to pay for a condom in Duval ever again.
Beerguyrob

Condoms? You just got cancelled in Jacksonville
Wakezilla

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SHANK’LOR is getting so many soul offerings right now.

Just kidding! No one in L.A. has a soul to give.
Redshirt

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These Chargers are just like EVs. Everyone says they are the future, but they never have enough to get you to where you need to go.
Redshirt

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Trevor Lawrence has more turnovers than Tiger Woods’ SUV
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

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Even Andy Reid is appalled at this clock management [at the end of the Viking’s game].
The Maestro

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Is there a The Shield Quality Assured Maximum Rock Your Stadium Music play list to ensure maximum white guy dad rock inside each and every stadium? [this is totally going to be a request line]
ThePirateSloth

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THIS MIAMI DEFENSE, I CALL THE SENECA NATION BECAUSE THEY’RE MAKING BUFFALO FALL OFF A CLIFF.
Wakezilla

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Buffalo O-line needs some improvement. Allen is getting felt up by the Fins way too much.
TheRevanchist

Did you see what we was wearing? Come on, he was asking for it.
Spur

He wouldn’t be standing out there all exposed under center if he didn’t want it
Doktor Zymm

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Just found two pounds of cooked bacon in my freezer that I had absolutely no idea was there. Lady Maestro must have cooked it at some point on one of her rare mornings off. What an angel. I am the luckiest man on the planet.
The Maestro

Scotchnaut: “So that’s where I put that ‘bacon’!”
Horatio Cornblower

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Decided to trim some branches before the game and had a nice sized oak branch hit my on the forehead so I’m more than ready for this game now as a Fins fan,
Gatoraids

Sorry to hear about your back injury.
Horatio Cornblower

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Sharkbait

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THESE 2023 MINNESOTA VIKINGS I CALL THEM GEORGE SANTOS BECAUSE THEY SOMEHOW ASCENDED TO A POSITION OF POWER BEFORE BEING EXPOSED AS SOME OF THE BIGGEST FRAUDS IN HISTORY.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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BREAKING: Kirk Cousins has been elected mayor-for-life of Checkdown City.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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The annoying thing about the last 2 minutes of the game taking 20 is that I’ll have to go airplane mode and miss what I assume will be a brutal Cousins turnover in the red zone
Doktor Zymm

the checkdown on 4th and 8 was Peak Kirk
King Hippo

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Brocky

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Ok, the mom in the iPhone commercial who is shoving other parents out of the way so she can film her child’s footrace is a psycho, right? I mean, we can all agree on this?
Dunstan

Yes, that commercial baffles me. It seems to celebrate asshole-ness.
Brick Meathook

They should have done it as a crossover ad event and had her drive off in her BMW at the end (which was parked in a handicapped spot).
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Diagonally across two handicapped spots!
Doktor Zymm

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Find something you love to do as much as the Giants love not covering the TE on a blitz play and you’ll never work a day in your life.
Horatio Cornblower

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THIS JONES-COUSINS MATCH-UP I CALL IT A CHIROPRACTOR’S WET DREAM, BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BOUND TO MAKE A BACK-BREAKING MISTAKE!!
Horatio Cornblower

“Oooh, goodie! I love breaking my back!”
-Trent Green as he dodges traffic on his e-scooter
Cecil Rhodes

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Can they just send Bradshaw to a farm upstate?
LemonJello

Terrible Towel with a bit of chloroform should do it
Gatoraids

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We need a rave-themed name for Daniel Jones. DJ Dimes?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Doktor Zymm

So Danny Dimes was born in May, which makes him Skinny Wet Hello Kitty.
Mr. Ayo

DJ Kittenz?

/note to self: host a rave in Thailand; call it “Kitten Kamp” to ensure Kliff Kingsbury’s attendance.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Golladay is having a good game-6 catches 89 yards and a TD. [puts finger to earpiece] Correction: that is his season’s stats.
scotchnaut

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here’s how my night went

we go tto my wife’s cousins house, i kind of hate htime, kind of dont’

tv is on, no volume, people are playing some diphsit game

i say, “hey can we turn the volue up?”

“No. We’re enjoying time with the family.”

Me, inside my head, “I want to eat your brains. you cunt.”

Then, we have to play word games. fuck? what? there s a game on.

word games, not bad, not good.

my wife’s cousin is in theseminary. i yell esus christ mltiple times, i apolgozie. he’s goocl.

FINALLY

Seoncd half, we put the fuckgn soudn on.

i drink more beers, do multipel shots., heart broken, greg roman shoud die of rickets.

drive home, get hassled because i vape.

yep, i’m drinkging even more now. otu of spit. spite.
jjfozz

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Great to see John Laroquette’s investments have done so well that he’s willing to shit all over the legacy of the original Night Court.
Horatio Cornblower

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CAT TRIUMPHS OVER BIRD
Doktor Zymm

“Finally!” — Sylvester
Dunstan

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THAT PLAY I CALL IT MOTEL 6 SHEETS BECAUSE IT HAS A VERY QUESTIONABLE SPOT
Doktor Zymm

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We go live to the home of one JJ Fozz for a reaction to the Jackson fumble:

https://images.hindustantimes.com/rf/image_size_960x540/HT/p2/2016/12/21/Pictures/ap12-21-2016-000004b_42596d24-c750-11e6-afe5-88e9648d1b9f.jpg
Horatio Cornblower

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Today is the birthday of my wife (and niece). I made the wife a filet mignon, shrimp, and a pork roast for dinner. I’ve been working all day to make it special for her. She said this is one of the best birthday’s she has had.

However, I am tired. And I’m the only one that needs to work tomorrow.

And I’m drunk and ready for bed.
TheRevanchist

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Apple: Our new iWatch tracks when you ovulate. This is not at all creepy and is a reason you should buy it!
Dunstan

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Can we start a GoFundMe to cut Collinsworth’s mic?
LemonJello

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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