Hello, individual in the middle of a workday, welcome to Day 2 of the Final 16 of the Shempiens Lïg. Teams play a two-legged series, ida and vuelta en español, which sounds like a holiday. Or, going and coming in English, which would be a very very efficient booty call.

YOU:

Ah you’re too kind, I don’t deserve all the love and furorE. A smidge of validation by the third week of each month is fine.

Anyway, at the end of the two games, the team with most goals advances. If still tied on aggregate goals at the end of regulation in the vuelta, then extra time and PKs, if necessary. Enough ados, today’s slate!

Club Bruges (BEL) hosts Benfica (POR) – 2:00 PM

Don T: “Club Bruges”, as everyone knows, means “witches’ club”. This Belgian club is automatic rooting interest for all sisters, girlfriends, wives, mothers-in-law, and aunts.* BUT make sure to remark that you mean those ancestral, empowering witches who blessed the community with warmth and wisdom.

And when that pandering tripe is seen through, talk about Colin Farrell’s rugged sensitivity in “In Bruges”. Heh. In in.

* Only those aunts that are active on Facebook.

In fútbol terms, yeah… Witches are fourth in the Belge table, which is still good enough for Europeen qualifying. Beating Atlético Madrid 2-0 on aggregate in the Shempiens group stage was their highest mark (source: my prejudices).

Benfica playing Real Madrid [spits on floor] is featured in one dynamite song, “Eva tomando el sol”, from Joaquín Sabina. It’s an allegory of Adam and Eve’s fall from paradise, starring two destitute young squatters in a Madrid apartment. It’s genius, FO SHO a finalist for The Most Perfect Song, battling it out with The Kinks’ “Lola”.

Anyway, Sport Lisboa e Benfica is a juggernaut. Short thrift today? Yes. Benfica will get O Amor for the vuelta post on March 3.

Predicción: At least three yellow cards.

Balls: One of my favourite movies is In Bruges.

Predicción: 1-1 Draw

KH:  God help me, but agree with Balls re the Bruges movie.  Expertly filmed, acted, written.  This is Rough Trade Scotty Parker’s side now (he’s only won 1 of last 7 in their domestic league, apparently).  Because Litre is under a bad moon this week, I predict a mini-shock in the first leg of the tie.

Predicción: Bruges 2, Benfica 1.

Litre:  Oh wow, Scotty Parker got fired from Bournemouth hahahaha, and ended up landing on his feet in the Champions League?!?!? I like Bruges the city, good beer town, very picturesque, how the fuck this asshat got a job here is beyond me. I do see how he has been doing there due to his Mighty Whitey connection. Last 5 domestic matches? 4 draws and 1 win. That win loss record is exactly what you get with Parker ball. I fully expect Benfica to try to take it to them while Scotty tries to park the bus.

Predicción: Benfica 2-0

Borussia Dortmund (GER) hosts Chelsea (englen) – 2:00 PM

Don T: My limited imagination likens Borussia Dortmund to the Moneyball A’s (sources: Brad Pitt’s hammy Mr. Beane, young cracks leaving Dortmund for riches every year). Dortmund also has an agreeable origin, being founded by Catholics and named after a beer. You could do worse than alcohol and papists.

Per their sked, El Dortmund has played eight games against German clubs in 2023, winning all by a 22-7 goal aggregate. Chelsea, blech. I’ve never much cared for them. But I hear their coach is an amateur stoic, which is a nice change of pace.

Bias full disclosure: For a solid decade, “Chelsea Dagger” used to be my go-to “get happy” song. Then one day, a coupla years ago, it came on and I got tired of it. Now hearing it makes me squirm–not a full “Hotel California” disgust seizure, but more a of “Tch, that song again [1.75 head shakes]”.

Predicción: I might dive deeper into Chelsea if they tie or win today, given they just signed Argentina’s Enzo Fernández off Benfica.

Balls: The German league is highly underrated. Dortmund is a very solid team. I don’t think Chelsea is as good as they used to be. I think ze Germans will beat the English.

Predicción: Dortmund 2 Chelsea 0

KH:  God help me, but agree with Balls AGAIN.  Germany is the only non-Prem Euro-league with quality in depth.  Chelski have a toddler owner who is just throwing lots of (expensive) shit against the wall, hoping sommet will stick.  Graham Potter chose the wrong time/club to make his long-awaited leap into the bigtime.

Predicción: Dortmund 3, Chelski 1.

Litre: With the scum and Scotty Parker taking part today I feel like JJFOZZ with all my hate. Did you know that Chelsea isn’t…….very fucking good???? Bahahahaha suck it you fuckos. Little old Fulham took 4 pts from these frauds. I hope Dortmund kicks the living shit out of them. Maybe injure a couple of their new signings while they are at it. How did that Aubamayang transfer work out? What? He did nae even make the Champs lge roster? Ha!

Predicción: Dortmund 3 Fulham Broadway FC 0