Request Line: The Fertile Crescent

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY…

DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio. A miniaturized DJ 3000 continues to fiddle with a complicated contraption of wires and lenses, while a miniaturized PETUNIA and MAXIMILIAN and regular-sized PED-209 and JIM NANCE 081-RD-92C look on. 

MAXIMILIAN: I KEEP TELLING YOU, IF YOU MOVE THE FRACTAL LENS OUT OF ALIGNMENT YOU ARE GOING TO CAUSE A TEMPORAL SHIFT THAT WILL RESULT IN…

DJ 3000: TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING…

— [portal through space and time flies open] —

PAT ROBERTSON: [looking terrified and distressed] Oh God! You have to help me!

PETUNIA: Oh, for the love of…what the hell is he doing here?

PAT ROBERTSON look around and realizes he is surrounded by killer robots.  His eyes alight on JIM NANCE 081-RD-92C and his face fills with hope momentarily before he notices the cybernetic endoskeleton. He then notices RUSSELL WILSON and turns to him haughtily.

PAT ROBERTSON: You there! Boy! I need you to fetch me…

RUSSELL WILSON turns to face PAT ROBERTSON.

RUSSELL WILSON: I beg your pardon? [his eyes glow momentarily brighter] What did you call me?

PAT ROBERTSON: Oh my God! You’re a technological abomination as well!

— [hallway door flies open] —

JOHN DIMAGGIO: Hey guys, you’re going to want to avoid the bathroom for at least the next half hour.

All the other inhabitants of the time loop stare at him in puzzlement.

JOHN DIMAGGIO: Oh, that’s right, you guys don’t generate solid waste. Or have a sense of smell.

PAT ROBERTSON: [noticing John DiMaggio] Oh, thank goodness. I assume you’re in charge.

JOHN DIMAGGIO: [raises eyebrows]

PAT ROBERTSON: There’s been some kind of terrible mistake.  I died this week but I’ve been sent to the wrong heaven!

JOHN DIMAGGIO: Okay…sure.  What makes you think it’s the wrong heaven?

PAT ROBERTSON: Well, mainly the gay pornography.  It’s being broadcast on every surface in sight.  As the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 5, verse 29 says, “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee,” and I’ve done that, repeatedly, with both eyes, but they just keep growing back within minutes and my sight is restored.  See?

RUSSELL WILSON: Oh, well, see, there’s your problem, you didn’t cast them away like the verse says.

PAT ROBERTSON: [hurling the bags across the room] Fine!  Happy now?

RUSSELL WILSON: [shrugs]

PAT ROBERTSON: After all the good works I’ve produced on earth, only to arrive in heaven to receive my just reward, and…

— [portal through space and time flies open] —

IRON SHEIK: OH MY GOD YOU ARE DUMBER THAN THAT STUPID CAMEL THEY MADE ME DO A BIT WITH.

PAT ROBERTSON: Excuse me?

IRON SHEIK: YOU’RE EVEN DUMBER THAN THAT PILE OF SHIT HE TOOK ON THE FLOOR AND ADRIAN ADONIS THREW INTO ROWDY RODDY PIPER’S LOCKER.

PAT ROBERTSON: [puffs up] I don’t have to subject myself to…

IRON SHEIK: YOU ENDED UP IN A PLACE WHERE YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY GAY PORN 24-7 AND YOU THINK STILL THINK IT’S HEAVEN?

PAT ROBERTSON: [face changes as he comes to a dawning realization] I…

IRON SHEIK: AND I BET SOME OTHER STUFF HAPPENED TOO THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

PAT ROBERTSON: [looks sick]

IRON SHEIK: YOU’RE IN HELL YOU STUPID JABRONI! REMEMBER THAT WHOLE BIT ABOUT JUDGING NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED? LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT JUDGED GOOD AND HARD, YOU HYPOCRITE!

A dark shadow appears behind PAT ROBERTSON.

PAT ROBERTSON: No, I…

The shadow envelops him, and a muffled screaming is heard as the portal he’s been peering through fades to darkness and closes.

DJ 3000: HUH.  I REALLY WASN’T EXPECTING THAT.

MAXIMILIAN: I TRIED TO WARN YOU.

PETUNIA: Thanks for interceding, Mr., uh, Sheik.

IRON SHEIK: YOU’RE WELCOME WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF PURGATORY?

RUSSELL WILSON: For you? Yeah, I guess so.  It’s a time loop.  You’ll be with us for the day and then you’ll move on to…whatever is next.

IRON SHEIK: HUH. WELL WHAT DO YOU GUYS TO DO KILL TIME AROUND HERE?

PETUNIA: Listen to music, mostly.  Speaking of which, we need a topic for Request Line, have you got any ideas?

IRON SHEIK: YOU EVER DO SONGS ABOUT PERSIAN STUFF?

RUSSELL WILSON: You mean, like, rugs and stuff?

IRON SHEIK: YEAH. OR DESERTS AND THINGS,WOMEN WEARING VEILS, STUFF LIKE THAT.

DJ 3000: I CAN DEFINITELY SAY WE HAVEN’T HAD A REQUEST LINE LIKE THAT IN THE PAST.

PETUNIA: You know what, this sounds fun, let’s give it a shot.  Let’s make the topic about all things relating to the Middle East.  I’ll get us started.

Today’s theme is: The Middle East.  We’re looking for songs that evoke that particular region of the world – be creative!  Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r&s4L!b4Ba and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  Last week was incredible, with tons and tons of great contributions.  The puzzle answer – “Trench Town Rock” by Bob Marley – was snapped up instantly by BeefRiverLives – well done!  Have at it!