That’s My (Las Vegas) Raiders! Rudderless (Raiders at the Bye Part 2)

EXT. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – DAY

— [return from commercial break] —

COACH PIERCE enters the shared Raiders’ house.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: [in unison] COACH!

COACH PIERCE: Hey guys, what’s shakin’?

KOLTON MILLER remains seated on the couch, while JOSH JACOBS is standing in the center of the room.  HUNTER RENFROW, still seated at the kitchen table, realizes that his copy of Astounding Stories of Super-Science is still visible on top of his playbook, and snaps the binder shut.

JOSH JACOBS: Oh, hey Coach.  I’m glad you’re here.  We were just about to have a house meeting.

COACH PIERCE: Good, good.  Say, I sent over a peace offering for Handsome Jimmy, did it arrive?

The four of them listen carefully as a rhythmic thumping noise can be faintly heard.

KOLTON MILLER: Yeah, she ca…

JOSH JACOBS: [interrupting him] Yeah, she turned up.

HUNTER RENFROW: Maybe we should give him a hall pass if he’s a little late for the house meeting, though.

JOSH JACOBS: Maybe since Jimmy’s not here, Coach, you can speak a little more comfortably about the subject – who’s going to be behind center for us down the stretch of this season?

COACH PIERCE: Good question, Josh.  Really good question.

JOSH JACOBS: Uh, sure.  Thanks, Coach.

COACH PIERCE: I want you guys to know you can talk to me about anything.  You understand that, don’t you?

KOLTON MILLER: Of course we do!

HUNTER RENFROW: Yeah, we get it.  It’s a nice change of pace from having Coach McDaniels screaming at us about how stupid we are all the time.

COACH PIERCE: Good, good.  Anything at all, you guys can come to me.

Nobody says anything for a moment.

JOSH JACOBS: So…

COACH PIERCE looks at JOSH JACOBS. 

JOSH JACOBS: …about the quarterback situation?

COACH PIERCE: Yeah, you know, I really wish I had an answer for you.  They both have been doing their absolute best for us out there, and I love them both for it.

JOSH JACOBS: Right.  But…who’s starting this week?  Are you going to see what Jimmy has left in the tank and try to finish the season strong, or are we going to roll with Aidan and see if he’s someone we can start building around for longer than just the next few weeks?

COACH PIERCE: [scratches his head] Yeah, that’s a tough call, Josh.  Really tough call.

JOSH JACOBS: And our defense has undergone a vast improvement this season – we’re currently on pace to have the least penalties in the NFL for an entire season.  Is that just a fluke, or is this team starting to develop an entirely new identity?

COACH PIERCE: Wow, that’s another really great question, Josh.  Hunter, Kolton, did you guys have anything you wanted to talk about?

HUNTER RENFROW: Well, I’ve been wondering why people still cram these idiotic Dyson Ship designs – you know, the ones that fart nuclear bombs out the back and surf on the explosive energy – into so many science fiction stories.  These authors think that since it’s an actual real-world design that’s been proposed, it adds more verisimilitude to their stories, when really it’s just the sci-fi equivalent of name-dropping.  It’s annoying and distracting.  I’m perfectly fine with them hand-waving away propulsion system issues, just give it a cool name like the Alderson Drive and be done with it. I’m not here for a technical dissertation, I’m here for stories, you know what I mean?

COACH PIERCE is visibly perplexed, but he smooths it over and puts on a sympathetic expression.

COACH PIERCE: I sure do, Hunter.  I’m right there with you.

KOLTON MILLER: [raises hand slightly] Um, I have a football question.

COACH PIERCE: Ask away, son.

KOLTON MILLER: So, like, how does holding work?

JOSH JACOBS: [flabbergasted] You’re not serious, are you?

KOLTON MILLER: Well, no, I mean, I know what the rules say, and what I’ve been coached to do by Coach Bricillo. But I see all these highlights and it seems like what’s legal and illegal changes from week to week.

COACH PIERCE: Yeah, they’re constantly moving the goalposts.  I wish I had an answer for you, Kolton.  You’ve been doing a great job, though.  All of you have.  A really, really great job.

COACH PIERCE looks at his watch.

COACH PIERCE: Wow, would you like at the time? Anyhow, this was a great house meeting, guys, but I gotta jet.

JOSH JACOBS: Wait, we need to talk about the plans for…

COACH PIERCE is already halfway out the door.

COACH PIERCE: I’ll see you guys at practice!

JOSH JACOBS looks a bit deflated as COACH PIERCE exits and closes the door.  HUNTER RENFROW opens up his “playbook” and resumes “studying” while KOLTON MILLER cheerfully opens up another bag of chips. 

KOLTON MILLER: Man, Coach Pierce is the best.  He’s so nice.

JOSH JACOBS: Yeah, I mean he’s definitely got better people skills than McDaniels.  But…

HUNTER RENFROW: [glances up] But what, Josh?

JOSH JACOBS: I just don’t trust the guy.

— [fin] —

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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ThePirateSloth

Me:
[kicks door open]
I GOT TACOS
IIIIII GOT TACOS
HEY!

(sung to the tune of I Want Candy)

Senor Weaselo

Was this his Week 1 speech?

WCS

To borrow HIPPO SPAEK:

FORE years ago smgh

King Hippo

I pilled in your honoUr, good sir

Brick Meathook

Speaking of those 9/11 terrorists, let’s give a shout-out to those brave Japanese pilots who attacked Pearl Harbor 82 years ago today; although next time, boys, hit the fuel dumps and repair facilities. Sayonara!

SonOfSpam

My grandma was pregnant with my mom when that happened. Coincidence???

Yes, obviously.

Senor Weaselo

“Let’s hear from the New York Yankees on this.” -Yoshinobu Yamamoto

Don T

Antonio Pierce turned corpo. fast! Truly NFL head coach material. Loved this post. Furthermore,

RAAAAAIIIIII DUUUUUURRRS
RAAAAAIIIIII DUUUUUURRRS
RAAAAAIIIIII DUUUUUURRRS

blaxabbath

I, too, believe the Raiders really screwed the pooch by letting McDaniels go.

WCS

It troubles me that the Raiders could be decent next season.

How many TONIGHT GIRLFRIENDS has Handsome Jimmy… met?

WCS

The answer to the second question directly impacts the first statement.